Am I sabotaging myself?

So, finally my WLS journey has started. I've seen all the docs at least once and I'm required to do a 6 month doctor diet. Well, I've supposed to have been starting the diet about 1-2 months ago. I'm also supposed to be keeping a food journal, and now an exercise journal and writing down my blood sugars.

For whatever reason...I was doing the food journals for a while...but everything else is just...sitting there.

I'm so not doing the diet.
I haven't kept up with my food journal in quite some time.
Not only am I not keeping an exercise journal, but I RAREly even exercise.
And I'm not checking my blood sugars at all. ("Possibly" have type 2 diabetes)

What the hell is wrong with me? I want this surgery, it's very important to me, so why am I being so...lazy? I think about the things that I should be doing, and the things I need to do...basically all day long. But when it actually comes to doing it, I find it very hard. Which worries me and makes me think that perhaps this is what is going to happen AFTER I have the surgery. It's a simple diet, and simple expectations of me and I am finding it extremely hard to find any motivation or desire.

Has anyone gone through this? Post or pre? Help! I really don't want to ruin my chances, but why can't I make the necessary changes??

I used to struggle a lot with depression and anxiety, I still do to a lesser extent....I remember that when I sought professional help and they prescribed me happy pills suddenly my lifelong self-torment that I brought upon myself with lack of motivation and procrastination rapidly improved.

I'm by no means saying that's you, just saying that was something that I noticed about myself...

...however, it's best if you figure out the reasons why you are struggling and start addressing them now before surgery, because according to the pros those actually become magnified after WLS because some of your ability to use some of the coping tools you relied upon before are drasticallly altered (i.e. emotional eating, etc..). I agree with that theory too.

Yeah, I'm not going to lie...I have struggled and I'm STILL struggling a lot with depression and anxiety. I'm currently on some "happy pills" but they don't seem to make me too happy. lol Mostly angry? So yeah, my doc and I are addressing that, currently.

It's just so disheartening. The longer I put all this off, the more guilty I feel and the less I wan't to try. But I KNOW this is what I have to do, and more importantly this is what I truly WANT to do. So where's the block?

*sigh*

I think that for me "the block" was what you could call a lack of emotional persistence. It's probably the biggest symptom or complication of depression and it causes a snowball effect, a downward spiral, holes to be dug deeper - whatever you want to call it. It's not the same thing as being simply lazy, so don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

I don't really know exactly all that contributed to that for me, but one thing that I was able to figure out (with help) was that it didn't serve me to well to consume myself with figuring out why, it was more important that I start working on how to fix it. I think there was probably 100 different approaches or theories we attempted to tap, but in the end it was something very simple, very easy to understand, and very easy to remember that we identified was the answer for me. The pivotal moment for me came when I was told about a famous quote from the Cowboy/entertainer Will Rogers:

"The first thing you do when you find yourself in a hole? stop digging!"

It sounds simple enough, and really it is. That first step of stopping the digging doesn't take too much effort, but it empowers you and helps you gain the strength and momentum you'll need to climb your way all the way out of that hole.

You can find out a lot more about that theory and how to apply it by googling that quote.

Hope this helps some folks...

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and please don't be too hard on yourself.  On my way to my first meeting, in order to become a patient of my surgeon's, I HAD to stop at a fast food place on the way and eat in my car before the meeting.  Crazy, right?  I KNEW better, plus it was storming and I STILL stopped and got it.  And I had to keep journals too but I'll tell ya after about a month (of three total) I stopped keeping it accurately and made stuff up.  It was the holidays, after all.  But after the second month, halfway through the third, something just sort of "clicked" in my head.  I got serious because I started seeing weight loss and my pants sizes going down (I wasn't eating that great but still trying to stay under 1200 calories per day, and I got a gym buddy who made me go).

It's very easy to get caught in the cycle of doing something you know you're not supposed to, feeling guilty/like a failure, resolving to change, procrastinating, then beating yourself up because you didn't change therefore why bother trying?

This surgery is every bit mental, as it is physical.  Perhaps if you start seeing some results, it will help motivate you to keep up the good work, as they say.  I don't think you're being lazy at all.  But I do think you're mentally sabotaging yourself.  Maybe deep down you feel like you're not "worthy" to succeed.  That's a very common issue a lot of overweight people face.  Especially when dieting.  Try to give yourself a break on this one and don't be too hard on yourself.

I'm definitely GOING thru this as well.  I get burst of energy and they usually last a couple of days or if I'm lucky a week. I have been told to keep a food or exercise journal but if I did I'd probably fail miserably. I'm suppose to loose 5-10% which is 15-30lbs. In 4 months I've lost 5lbs. I'm so dissapointed in myself as well but I'm not giving up....atleast I'm maintaing. I know this surgery will make me thinner but I can sabatoge everything on the other side if I don't learn something soon. So dont loose faith keep a positive attitude and definitely don't compare yourself to other people and how well they are doing.

I know it sounds so cliche' but the real trick is even realizing there's a problem. I have a friend who is sabatoging her eating but working out like crazy and is so angry at the scale for not moving. She's checking herself out for everything medical under the sun. Maybe it is a medical condition but from someone who has been morbidly obese for some time I know denial when I see it and thats worse then admitting youre doing something wrong.