Do you ever feel badly...

I like to bring up discussion topics now and then and this is one that has come up during my WLS journey... I started thinking about it again last night as I was sitting in the tub watching my belly flub float to the top of the water. I am a long ways off from plastic surgery and its hard to accept that I will have to live with this thing hanging off me for another year, or two years, three years until I can get it removed. Do you ever feel badly about letting yourself get so fat?  My WLS journey has been a smooth one. Its been pretty much 'uncomplicated' and 'easy'. I did do a lot of work pre-op, have a lot of post-op friends (6+ years out) and for the most part new 99% of what to expect. Im not saying everybody has it easy but this has been *my* journey. Yes Ive struggled some or hit rough patches... but at this point I can look back and say it really wasnt all that bad... no matter how bad it may have seemed at the time. Because of this tool I was able to lose weight, I have been able to keep it off... I am no longer addicted to food (once an addict, always an addict, I still keep that the back of my mind thou!!!)... that voice in my head that use to obsess about eating is gone... while I still make 'poor choices' on occasion overall I am a zillion times better than I was 2 years ago. I have a new found love of exercise and pushing my body... I love to challenge myself with running and push further and further each time... when I want to stop I push and run harder - I am amazed at myself and my ability. Now here comes the guilt. I look at my body... its so damaged and its my fault. I got fat.... stretch marks... creaky knees.... joint pain... wiggle jiggle flab... how did I let myself get this way? I am only 29 years old and facing 30-40,000 worth of plastic surgery just to look 'normal' (I dont need it, but yes I want it). I could have taken care of what I had from the beginning and never have been in this boat. Its hard to deal with these feelings... the rational me knows I couldnt have done this on my own, no way - the emotional me feels I did it this time so I could have before... but again I needed to tool. I feel my body gives me so much now... how could I have abused it for so long? I do not give into the "its my fault feelings" but sometimes its hard not to think about them. I know its not my fault specifically its a lot of factors that make up obesity... but since its me and my body how could I not think that on occsaion? Anyways, just wanted to throw this out there in case any others feel the same way. I dont really need any encouragement or anything - just like to hear about others journey and perspective about things. This is definately a feeling I didnt have earlier out - its amazing how our feelings change at the different stages of the WLS process.

Yes.  I battled that depressing stage about 14 months out... I was platued for a while and facing horrendous rashes and everything, I was miserable.  The physical pain added to my emotional pain. I was fortunate enough to end my physical pain the end of June with a panniculectamy- however you spell that thing!  But my mental pain stayed.  I had a picture in my mind how I'd look after the skin was removed and I looked nothing like it.  I'm just now officially happy with the way I look- and its been Nine Months! I'm sure I'm alone in that aspect, but I am very guilty I let my body become old and rusty.  I am proud now that I've lubed these joints up and am quite active.  I'm repaying my body now, it totally deserves it.

Well I have been fat my entire life (well from age four on) this was about the time my parents began having seriuos problems, adn they were divorced shortly after.  For a long time (especially as a tenn) I blamed my parents. I kept thinking I was just a child. they could ahve stopped me from eating. They could have made me exercise. They could have gotten me into therapy. So there was alot of blame.   I have also suffered from binge eating disorder.  I kind of still blamed my parents for this, but I also blamed myself for this, and constantly wondered why I couldn't control myself. i felt alot of shame over it. i believe that fruther fuled the binges. Well being a "grown up" now. (even if I don't always act like it LOL) has given me new perspective. I have been in therapy, and done alot of reserach into obesity on my own. Through this I was completly able to let go of any blame towards my parents. I was able to look back on my childhood and realize all the attempts they had made to help me lose weight. I resisted everyone. I don't think its any easier for a child to lose weight than an adult.  I think my parents had the best intentions, but they just didn't know really how to help me. they couldn't give me what I needed. Both are morbidly obese themselves, and are food adicts. I believe that in order for a child to lose weight the entire family, and family dynamics has to change. If they couldn't help themselves How could they help me? As far as the guilt over the binge eating I really just had to let go of that. I realize now that I never learned tools for coping when I was a child. This diesease is deep rooted in my childhood, and family history. there is nothing I can do about that. Who has control over there childhood. the only thing I could do was take control NOW.  I did that by having GAstric bypass surgery. I did/am doing that  by making the neccesarry changes, and  i did that/am doing that by being in therapy/support groups and making the internal changes that I need to. I think we all feel vast amounts of guilt and shame over our situations, but at soem point we have to find a way to let go, or it will just sabotage our efforts.  Anyways I don't know if anyone elase relates. JMO

I have gone through varying phases of guilt and culpability for having damaged my body beyond repair. . .in this case, a state that will always be visibly or physiologically marred by super morbid obesity.  Right now, my mind is focused on being accepting of this condition.  No matter how agile or strong my body may be (which it is, dammit!), my physical appearance would lead most people who don't know my history to think that I "have let myself go and grown soft in the middle".  It does bother me, to say the least, that my external self is STILL not representative of who I am.  On top of it, I have joint problems that will plague me for the remainder of my life, and I will never have that honeymoon experience of youth, wherein my body is invincible, even though I often times feel it while running. . .and why I keep pushing to hold onto that rush from being part of an athletic community. While I can't say that I feel guilt now, I do feel disappointment.  I feel sadness when the clothes come off, and I look in the mirror.  I feel sadness when I feel the need to prepare someone who is about to see me naked for the first time (honesty, here, right?).  I feel sadness when I have parts of my body that are reflective of my new physicality, but they cannot see the sun, because there are other nearby parts that jiggle and wobble.  The fact is I began life with a very disjointed relationship with food.  I have addictions that are hardwired, and my body will always be marred because of it.  But, I don't feel like I have to atone for this previous existence, because in the continuity of my life, this is just another inlet.  If I only  focused on everything I have done previously, I would not be able to enjoy the thrills and satisfaction with where I am presently.  I want to live in the here and now, with a developed sense of learning from the past and an eye towards future goals.  I realize this sounds like analysis jargon (and, yes, I am a product of therapy. . .it is essential for behavioral modification in my opinion), but it is the mindset that is shaping my need for self-acceptance. Does any of it make sense to you?  I should add that I, too, am planning for serious reconstructive surgery.  There is also GREAT sadness with knowing that I will be shoveling my financial pit of despair even deeper (my RNY was/is self-pay - thank you state government of Louisiana).  Having my sense of normalcy impeded by private means to resources makes me more than a littleangry.  Now, I have expressed two emotions. . .