Ya know.. *this is long*

Someone once wrote me in response to a blog I posted that I hadn't forgiven myself.  When she told me that, I was very upset... what did she mean?  Thinking about it... she's right.  I still have yet to forgive myself for getting so large.  I mean... at the age of 22, I was 400 pounds and medically unable to do anything remotely fun. My lowest memory is from fifth grade... I'd sit with the popular girls in an attempt to be like them.  While sitting there, I'd offer to finish their sandwhiches for them.  Everytime they'd oblige, but not without a snide remark about I shouldn't ask, they'd just hand it over anyways...or something to the affect. In sixth grade I was tortured.  Sixth grade was hell- mentally and physically. Seventh and Eigth was a blur- I had my best friend, but I still remember others calling me the Big Comfy Couch.  Remember that TV show?  I'd laugh it off, but of course, it still hurt.  That's also when band became most important.  The horribly tight uniforms.  I went to Colorguard tryouts, but chickened out even though I could twirl and fly that flag better than anyone else. High School was just one black hole.  I'd eat alone, I'd buy more than I should have.  Stayed inside, yaaaa... a glamourous life of bean burritos, curly fries and internet.  Of course I stayed busy... I was in band, FFA, Drama.  I was so deep into different avenues... I think I was trying to belong somewhere.  Because of my drive to be something, I was able to travel and see the country, even went to Japan! College was another weird experience- I couldn't fit in the seats, so rarely went to class.  When I did go, I'd arrive early so I'd be first in the door.  Again I was active with Ag...then, I was an ag Education Major... but still didn't fit in with the Wrangler wearing, tight cleavage bearing attitudes of the Ag Business majors.  I even had trouble working with the sheep. So I stopped.  I worked for a phone company... I started researching and tried doing the entire insurance through them.  I was denied.  I was thrown deeper into Hell. Then I tried again after a rabbit show.  I have show rabbits.  These shows last allll day long and usually don't have room for chairs.  It was totally mortifying when I had to sit because my knee hurt ever twenty minutes.  That was in December, my surgery was in January.  So in essance, maybe I didn't have enough time to really evaluate everything. There has been alot that's happened since my surgery that I'm not proud of... but certainly do not regret.  Everything I've done or has happened, happened for a reason and I've learned from it.  Attention from everyone is quite overwhelming, I still struggle with the need to feel wanted and accepted. I was accused of becoming the same type of girl I hated in High School.  For some reason I can't see that.  I reeeeallly hope I haven't become sooo self absorbed, heartless and addicted to attention as those. I guess I'm typing this to not only let myself read it on screen.... to let it out.  But to see if there are others that might need some help in this.  Maybe my struggles can help someone else not to struggle! ha ha

Hey Jaci A lot of what you said happened to me too and my eyes welled up while reading what you wrote because it was like reading my life story.  How can I forgive myself for ruining my childhood, you know?  I don't know if I can.   This sucks... (((((BIG HUG)))))

So I assume that's why I have been somewhat of a "free spirit" lol.  Damn guys and attention! ha ha!

Jaci, OMG girl you got me crying here, I went through so much of the same stuff as a child/young adult as what you have gone through.  Wanting to belong and just have someone that you could have as a friend. When you said "Attention from everyone is quite overwhelming, I still struggle with the need to feel wanted and accepted."  I do struggle with wanting to feel wanted and accepted, and its hard like I am going to be a teacher and I have the self esteem and confidence of a slug!  If I don't manage to find self esteem and confidence, I could fail at the one thing that I have thought I would be good at, being a teacher.  I think building out self esteem and confidence is hard because in school we were demoralized and made to feel like we weren't worth anything. (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) I think a lot of us are in the same boat

When I'm in front of a classroom... that is where I shine.  I LOVE teaching.  This past week the music teacher I help out on my own time didn't come into work.  I was shoved into the teaching position and just loved it!  The principal told me to hurry up and get my CBEST done with so I can start subbing on the book, lol! I feel the most confident while infront of the classroom... its just weird within my own peer group.

I am currently in my forth year of teaching (first and second grade).  Here is the good news about being a teacher.  Even if you don't have the self-esteem and confidence, you can fake it until you make it.  I am unsure of the grade level you will be teaching but you can close the door and fake the self-esteem and confidence.  Luckily, before you know it, you aren't faking it. While I also personally struggle with self-esteem and body image issues, when it comes to teaching, I am full of confidence.  Get me in front of a class of kids, I am no longer the scared, fat kid.  Now I am the teacher.  I hope that this is the same for you.  :)

I imagine a part of you have changed. It has to when you go through WLS because its a life time change. Just by what you wrote here I can tell that you have not become the girl you hated in high school, because you remember where you came from and I dont know about you but no matter how thin I may become physically, I will always think of my self as The Fat Girl. I don' t think that is a bad think I just think I will always remember the feeling

I truly hope I've kept some of that mentality... but still would rather think like a thin person.  I have to get the Beck book, lol.  I want to be confident when I walk into a room- really confident, not a fake confident, and then grow with the ambience. One day I wanna be like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.. she could walk into a room and it would glow- I'm talking post Hooker Make Over lol.

You are so hilarious. I love these boards because I think that people who have been overweight thier whole life have had to compensate by having awesome personalities. You already light up this room...this forum, just like Pretty Woman.. You have ***** and heart, and your words shine brighter than any prom queen's beauty. I'm sure that the majority of us share similar stories. They're all heart breaking but I tell you what...I wouldn't change it for the world. It has made me the loving, kind, sympathetic, understanding, flexible, non-judgemental person that I am today. I look at all these prom queens who are getting old and fat, going through nasty divorces because they married the "hot guy" and I think about how lucky I am that I had the chance to be a butterfly later...rather than start that way and be disappointed the rest of my life. You are that butterfly Jaci...gorgeous and strong. I know it sounds cheezy but you've got to let it go. Hand that ball and chain of feeling "not good enough" to the prom queen. It's your time to shine!!! Linsey

I try... I really am!  Its hard, ha ha. Its like Two Years later I should already be feeling better.... but these emotions are here now... not before.