Post OP 20's

Greetings, For those who are post op 20's do you openly tell people you have had gastric bypass surgery? I've been keeping my gastric bypass surgery a secret out of fear I will be negatively judged as I was negatively judged being morbidly obese (I'm now at a normal weight according to the BMI chart). If you have told people about your surgery, what was the reaction? I plan to start dating (yes, I said start) this year at age 25 - should I be truthful about my surgery or hide it? Again I'm scared of being rejected - let's be honest guys are shallow and physical appearance is the most important to them. I'm scared if the guy knows I use to be 300 plus pounds he may be greatly turned off.  What have your experiences been? Any dating advice? Is there a gastric bypass dating site in existence?

Any help will be greatly appreciated. Take Care.

 

I am right there with you. Most people don't know I have had the surgery. Some probably figure I did, but I just tend to avoid the subject. I am 24 and have never really dated either. I am terrified to tell a guy and face his reaction, plus I live in a small town, so if I tell one, I tell em all.  So bring on the advice friends!....................................................................

I may be biased, but if I ever met a girl who had WLS, it would not effect my attraction one bit.  In fact, I'd proplbably be attracted more so because WLS fascinates me.

I chose to tell very few people about my surgery. Way I figured was to only tell those who cared about me and I cared about them. I needed people to support me and help me... not people to critize me, question me or keep an eagle eye on my progress. Even being as far out as I am I have chose to only tell an additional few people... usually those who would benefit from knowing about the surgery and how successful I have been with it. Everybody I told has been supportive with the exception of one friend who is overweight... I told her pre-op and to this day she still makes snide remarks to me. I try not to let it bother me because I know she is speaking from jealously.  As for dating. I met my current BF when I was 9 months out... we got more serious when last June when I wa****ting 1 year out. When things started to progress is when I told him about the surgery. I didnt go into all the 'gorey' details... I just told him about the surgery and that I use to be overweight. I wanted him to know because it would explain how I ate (or lack there of!) and how certain things were very important and a focus for me (exercise, nutrition and whatnot). He really thought nothing of it and said it explained why I did eat much of his delicious breakfast he made (hehe). I had dated a little bit on and off before him and I never told any of the guys... again I figured there was no point in saying anything if the relationship wasnt going anywhere. I am not one to wear my WLS like a 'badge of honor'.... I dont want to be labeled as a 'former fat chick'... I just want to be me. The surgery is something I will never forget and always have to live with daily but I dont feel the need to shout out from the rooftops and talk about it constantly. Basically it comes down to this... if you tell a guy and he has a negative reaction or goes 'running for the hills' then he wasnt the guy for you.

It is ultimately up to you and what you feel comfortable with.  But since you asked... I tell people.  When I was in the rapid weight loss phase it was something I couldn't hide (heck, didn't WANT to hide) and I won't lie about it.  I am proud of the decision I made to get my life in order and fix my health problems.  I dieted and exercised for YEARS without success, so it obviously was not just diet and exercise (though I truthfully do watch what I eat very closely and exercise regularly) that got the 160 pounds off.  It is too much work to make up stories and keep straight who knows and who doesn't. Now, does that mean I wear a sign around my neck announcing to the world that I had gastruc bypass?  No.  But if someone asks how I lost the weight or something related to it comes up in conversation, I'll talk about it because it is part of who I am. Example - Last Monday in my Teaching Methods course we had to give "personal history" presentations with pictures.  For the first time since my surgery I labored over the decision to tell my classmates and professor about my weight loss surgery because I had the exact same fear as you do - these people have never seen me at 300 pounds.  They do not know that I used to be so big, and they never have to know.  I don't want them to disrespect me because I took what many consider "the easy way out".  But then I remembered - I am not ashamed.  Weight loss surgery is NOT A DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.  It isn't.  Star Jones makes me SICK because she outright LIED about it, making it seem like it is something to be ashamed of when it is something you should be proud of.  Magazine covers that go out of their way to say "look at these people who lost lots of weight WITHOUT surgery!" - as if losing weight with surgery is something you should be less proud of are needlessly putting down surgery as a method of achieving weight loss (I mean kudos to people who can get 100+ pounds off and keep it off without surgery - good for them - but that doesn't mean weight loss achieved with surgical intervention is any less remarkable or earned than theirs).  And ya know, if someone would choose to not like me or value me less because I used to be heavy, then to hell with them because I don't want people in my life who wouldn't have valued me as a heavy person.  I was a worthwhile individual when I was big and I am proud of the person I have become as a direct result of having lived as a morbidly obese individual.  I hated myself then, but I can appreciate the surviving and overcoming I had to do the further out I get from surgery.  So I told my classmates in my presentation because you cannot talk about the person I am without talking about who I was, and who I was happens to be a morbidly obese woman who needed a way out, so she found one with RNY.  And the response was unanimously positive.  I understand why you would want to keep it a secret.  I really do.  And no one is saying you need to tell anyone you had surgery and used to be MO on a first or second date (though it might be kind of obvious depending on if you decide to go out for a meal or not...). But I want you to know that WLS is not something to be ashamed of and having been obese isn't either.  With time I hope you come to be accepting of the person you were before surgery and that person deserves respect from you and anyone you might choose to let into your life romantically.

I was very quiet before I had my surgery because I was one of the ones who had to go through the 6 month diet thingy that my insurance required. I was terrified if I told gobs of people that I would be denied and forever the "fat girl" in other words a failure...So my circle was small...family, best friends, pastor, boss at work and a few coworkers...Now I don't care who knows...I am 9 months out and have done wonderful and tell everyone who asks about my weight loss what my "secret" weapon has been. i still am careful, excercise and watch what I eat...I still put an effort in on my part.  I too am mad at how the media puts a negative spin on WLS. Star Jones was wrong to lie i agree...personal choice will always be there...my choice is to be honest to a fault...I am 26 and have never dated...but i think i will be honest from the get go...and maybe honest isn't the best choice of words because saying diet and excercise is true too I just choose to tell the whole story...but the choice is ultimately up to you...

I am proud of the decision I made to use this tool to help me get healthier.  I tell whoever about it.  I'm also in Weigh****chers as an extra support system and I talk about it there all the time. I used to think of it as this cheat, but really, there's still a lot of hard work involved even with the surgery. I totally understand either way though. I have been out on a couple of dates, and since I just got out of the restrictive phase of the eating after surgery, I had to explain when I went out that I wasn't allowed to eat solid foods and why.  I have gotten nothing but support from people about it. Good luck!

Morning, Sweetie.  When I first had my surgery, I only told immediate family- heck, I didn't tell my closest Aunt or Granma until I was one month out :)  I was totally ashamed that a doctor had to surgically intervene to save my life... that I couldn't do it myself.  I'm a strong person... it was a sign of weakness to me. Now that I'm over two years out... and I've lost 190 pounds along with the first round of plastics, I have to kinda mention something regarding the weight loss.  I realize now that it wasn't a sign of weakness... it isn't something to be ashamed of.  And believe me... its taken over two years for me to come to believe and know that. Regarding dating... I started dating six months after my RNY.  He was my first, I was 22.  The relationship lasted a year.  Since then, I've been out with guys... but only told a few if any- depended on the situation.  I have had only one negative reaction.  The first words outta his mouth was "that's stupid".... yaaa.... I surely educated him on the aspects other than cosmetic right then and there.  Needless to say, no second date ha ha!  I've come to learn rejection is a part of life. I was rejected enough as a larger person- either in the dating world or social/occupational.  Its now my turn to take charge and have the life I've always deserved.  If a guy isn't interested... ya it hurts a bit at first... but for every one that doesn't take, there's another waiting in the wings trying to muster the courage to talk to ya :) Good luck, Gorgeous!

Wow, great replies....I've been struggling with the same thoughts and worries.  I've dated one guy since my surgery and I felt like I needed to tell him and he was sooooo cool about it, so sweet and was just worried I was okay and asked questions about it.  I thought that was really cool....then he became a bit of a stalker and I had to end that...hahahaha...so it's back to the drawing board again.  Part of me really wants to date someone who has also had WLS just so we both have a mutual understanding of everything that goes along with it and could help eachother.  The support groups have been a good way for me to meet people.   In relation to this topic, I actually have a research methods class tonight and it's in preparation to start writing my thesis.  I'm in an art therapy program and I have toyed with the idea of writing my thesis on either Transfer Addictions or Body Dysmorphia after WLS and art therapy.  BUT, I'm sooo worried to bring up this idea to my class, that means I would have to straight up say in front of 25 people who don't know, "I've had WLS"....I'm scared to do that...especially since I don't know 3/4 of the people in my class at all....Any suggestions on how to say it???   Have a good monday, I'm home sick with a sore throat/cold....I feel like craaaap!  Uhg...I think I'm going to lay back down! :) Kim

I always have, and always will, tell everyone who wants to know.  Not only to I think the science behind WLS is FASCINATING, I'm healthier and happier, and want to share how I got that way with people.