Sad.. Please help..

Hey everyone I am sorry to drag you into this but I am having a really hard day.. Today I found out that my 'best friend' isn't really supportive. I found out that she thinks that I took the easy way out of it". Her and her partner are really close to my partner and I, and it is so hurtful.. And email that they wrote back and forth was sent to me somehow and I read it.  It said that I didn't try to do it on my 'own" before going to this extreme. That I went into it for the medical reasons and wanting to spend a better life with my daughter and partner and now all I talk about is how much weight I have lost and the new sized I am in. It made mean comments about me "not being the size that I say I am into now".. and just some not nice things. I know that the comments made between them were only out of jealousy and their own insecurities.. And not personal comments towards me, but I don't know what to do.. I have been feeling so good about myself and this just totally brought me down.. My partner and other friends have been 100% supportive in reassuring me that it's not about me, it's about them.. But I don't know what to do.. Please help me and give me some tips on what to do..  and how to solve this.. Thanks..  Tarka

WTF???? I hate hearing these kinds of stories. Unfortunatly, it's not the first, nor the last time...I don't understand why some people feel this way and or say those kinds of things. I mean, you did something that you really HAD to do. For your health, for your daughter, your family....It seems like often the common theme is that the people who say those things, like you speculated, are jealous or insecure about their own situation. Sometimes they are jealous because they are unable or unwilling to do what is necessary to live at a healthy weight. Sometimes it isn't even their weight they are insecure about. Some people are just uncomfortable with the fact that you are doing better. It sounds sick, because friends are supposed to be supportive, but in some cir****tances they feel uncomfortable with your success. Maybe they feel threatened, maybe they feel like they are no longer the "good looking" freind in the group, maybe it isn't as easy to pick on you and make fun of you...Sometimes it is just a "keeping up with the Jones's" thing that they feel like they are unable to do.  Whatever the reasons they have IMO it is wrong. The thing is though, that if you ignore it, nothing will resolve itself and you will remain upset at them - there will be underlying tension. I would think about it and ask yourself "how much do I value my relationship with them?" and if you decide that you value it enough, then confront them about it...Remember the classic formula for being assertive: "When you say or do X, It makes me feel like X, please do X - state the problem as you see it, tell them how it effects you, and ask them to do something about it and be specific....just my two cents....I hope it works out and you feel better!

Yes, thank you for your help.. It's a hard situation that's for sure. I have already confronted them.. I am trying to think of what about it is really bothering me.. I am waiting to talk to them so that I am not so upset. It's just hard.

Tarka, I am so sorry you are in this situation, it is one that i worry about ever coming into.  I think it is one that any person that has WLS worries about.  I think you just have to take to heart that you did what was best for you and your family and try to make others understand that.  But in the end realize that you cant make them understand or accept it just try to.  I hope that the situation works out and you are okay, it would be hard to lose a pair of friends over your health and future life.

You are dealing with one heck of a situation...although, I went through it too. My best friend(s) at the time of surgery were all very unsupportive...one in particular. she and i had been friends for many, many years, and she said things like, it you wanted to lose weight, go on a diet. she would tell me i copped out, and i didnt work hard. but the problem is that often these people have a combination of things going on: they themselves are obese (my friend is easily over 300 still), are jealous, don't know all your weight loss and gain struggles (because, lets face it, we dont share EVERYTHING). My sister has had a particularly hard time...she is also obese, and i think it is hard, because we start to talk about our weight loss and our wow's and our lows all the time. i know that it consumes me, and there is no one in my life i can truly share this experience with, because no one i know has experienced this, especially at a young age.

 

what i had to do was sit with my friends (all individually) and tell them that i know they disapproved of my choice, but i did it for me, for my own reasons, selfish or not. i told them that i didnt care why they didnt like it, but if they wanted to stay friends with me, they'd learn to deal with it. after all, ive been there for all their 2am break up tearfests for 15 years, all the stupid saving from bars, and all their drama, and it was time for me to take a little of my own. Some of my friends still dont like it, and have issues with the way i am (one friend even told me, fully sober and honest, that it was only that she wanted to lose weight and it was hard for her to see me losing so quickly and looking so good, but other than that she was okay with it!). sometimes the hardest thing to do is be confrontational.

 

as a counselor (which i am now retired from, but did for a spell) i can tell you the simplest way to confront someone who has done a wrong to you is to use I feel statements. I feel like you don't understand, i feel like this was a choice i had to make, i feel like....i needed to do this to stay healthy, and now i feel all these other benefits, like being healthy, losing 100 lbs, fitting into a 10, whatever. Good luck with it, it often means tears, yelling, and eventually, healing.

My frist question would be - is your friend overweight? If so, imagine being on her side of the fence... I know Ive been in her spot and its hard not to be jealous or be down on the person. If she is not overweight it could be the fact that you have made a decision and stuck to it... sometimes its hard for people to see other people succeed even if they are friends... it can remind us of our own failures or lack of motivation etc. Lastly deep down she could feel that because you are changing that your relationship with her will change...  Instead of address the TRUE issue with you she is lashing out instead.... over time it should improve... when she sees you are happy, healthy and still the same ole you (just improved) she will be way more supportive. Weve all been thru this in one form or another...

I never have understood why some people think WLS is THE EASY WAY OUT.  They are very uneducated.  I have worked every bit as hard as the next guy, and I'm sure you have, too.  we all have.  That ignorance really irks me! I am sorry your friend is unsupportive. 

First of all Im so sorry you are going through this. i thinkt everyone who has had, or is going to have WLS fears this kind of response, and many have had it happen. I know it is one of my biggest fears. BUt you are right when you say you had to do this for you , your daughter, and your partener. You have worked very hard,and will have to continnue to work hard if you wish to maintain a weightloss. whatever you decide to do please don't feel bad about the descion you made.

well thanks everyone for their words of encouragement... Here is what I did..  I forwarded the email to them and wrote a very "not nice" intro.. I basically said.. When you are talking about someone, make sure you don't send it to them! and just commented on different things that they said.. It was crazy.. Then I talked to them last night.. And she was very upset, crying.. Said that she never meant for it to hurt me or anything that she would never do that. She said sometimes she just doesn't know how to be supportive, because apart of her is jealous.. (she is a size 10- so not heavy at all) and I just said that I need time to think and figure out what I need and want out of this friendship.. Needless to say.. It's been a long night.. Couldn't sleep or eat... This morning I craved bad food, and had 2 pieces of a kit kat and then some junior mints. I know that may not sound bad, but I have been staying away from chocolate and sugary things, and I felt so nauseous (which probably means I dumped.. I have never dumped before.. ) I know it's not good to not eat, but I am afraid if I do its going to be all "bad" foods.. So, I am kinda staying away from things until I have enough control, because this morning was the first timeI felt "out of control" since surgery...