OT: "very long story"I need some advise please

I posted this here because i don't feel like shareing all this with the world (the main forum) and since i've been pretty reclusive since my pre-op weightgain .. i don't really have any close friends i can share this with. Sorry, its so long.

Some history: I've been married for 1 year. My husband is in the army so i've only seen him for about 1 month total since we got married. We dated long distance for 8 months before getting married.

The issue: He came back to the states a few weeks ago, i got to see him for 3 days before he had to leave again and he was just totally a different person. He was rude and insensitive and just plain mean.

Before he left we lived together for a little while and he was sweet and tried to make me laugh and he was just a normal person.

So, last night we talked about this and he blamed his behavior on me. He said that he was a jerk because he felt it was a slap in the face that i was not wearing my wedding ring when i went to pick him up. I explained why i wasn't wearing it.

I think this excuse is BS. Because he didn't only treat me badly but he was also a jerk to my sister and her boyfriend so how does being mad at me excuse that? I asked him to express his anger to me directly in a private rather then a public place next time. It wasn't like a one time thing it was a 3 day A-hole rampage!

It was very imbarrassing because i had been talking him up the whole time he was gone and then he pulls something like that .. its frustrating ..so now my family is worried about how he will treat me when i go live with him in Korea sometime at the end of the year.

I am personally not worried about that because i know that the person who was here for those 3 days is not him. He is not that person. He is the man who sends flowers and gifts on special days and who needs to hear that i love him at the end of every conversation whether we had an argument or a great talk.

What worries me is that i asked him that if i promise to wear my ring always if he would promise to be thoughtful toward me. Well he flat out said NO! He siad "i will not be thoughtful". Apparently, he thinks that he is "spoiling" me if he takes my needs or preferences into consideration. How messed up is that? I mean isn't a man who is in love supposed to WANT to go out of his way to make is wife happy?

I told him that when he is thoughtful it shows me that he loves and he said that i should know he loves me when he says he does.. but i honestly just don't feel it. Especially when he is being a jerk like this. I am just so confused about what to do. What to say. I'm frustrated and terriffied that we won't be able to work through this. I don't want to think about divorce but i have thought about it because i can't imagine putting up with someone who treats me as poorly as that man who came home for 3 days for the rest of my life. We don't have kids we don't have common property .. it would be easy to just give up .. but i really don't want to .. i feel in my heart that we can work through this .. i just don't know how. 

I feel like he is withholding his affection from me for some reason but i don't understand why he'd feel he needs to do this.

Any comments, ideas, suggestions, personal stories.. just anything would help at this point .. thanks!

 

I wouldn't blame yourself on what happening... you're just the logical punching bag.  It sounds to me that he's probably not enjoying what he's doing in the military.  Since he probably can't readily get out of it and just say "I quit"...  he got the taste of non-military life during those 3 days and either didn't like it... or liked it but knew he couldn't have it so he turned into an asshole in order to process his feelings... like most guys do.   On the ring thing... it symbolizes possession... and lots of guys are possessive.  Regardless of your excuse for not wearing it, he didn't see it on you therefore you are no longer his... and he couldn't deal with that.  Its like you don't see your marriage as being a priority... and like most men in the military...that relationship to families and friends and spouses are the ONLY thing they have to keep your sanity (and I do mean sanity).  That's why the military MAKES you talk to your family.  When he saw you without the ring, he sees that as the overwelming factor for anything else that was talked about, excused, discussed...whatever... its almost as if he can't think about anything else but the fact that it wasn't around your finger... and until he can cool off by venting... escaping... being physical... he can't process that feeling and learn to communicate about it or overcome it...sometimes it can take a few hours or days...sometimes its unforgiveable and unreasonable and they never get over it (those types don't last long in relationships anyway).  He may have said something, well if you can't wear it... put it on a necklace and wear it around your neck.  It's a total predatory...possessive... male attitude... a little juvenile yes... but some guys are like that.  As far as him treating your sister and other family/friends... in his mind, they are all the same... you're affiliated/related with them... thus, he thinks they're just the same as you... so he gets hostile to them in order for him to process his emotional baggage that occured either by his visit, the ring issue, or events that occured during his time in the military.  It's all hard to say...  but aggressive emotions are chemicals going crazy in your brain... when you yell, hit, get aggressive... they subside... that's how he deals with it.  It's not you... he needs chill time...of which was not mitigated by the fact he had to leave and go back to the service after 3 days.  If that's something that you can't understand or tolerate... you already know the answer to problem.

Post Date: 9/21/07 3:12 pm
I wouldn't blame yourself on what happening... you're just the logical punching bag.  It sounds to me that he's probably not enjoying what he's doing in the military.  Since he probably can't readily get out of it and just say "I quit"...  he got the taste of non-military life during those 3 days and either didn't like it... or liked it but knew he couldn't have it so he turned into an asshole in order to process his feelings... like most guys do.  

He loves his military job. He feels important, respected, like he's going somewhere. So, i don't think it has anything to do with that. I was thinking that maybe since he's in a job where there is more of a rank relationship then social, that he might be lacking in social skills after spending so much time pretty much alone.

On the ring thing... it symbolizes possession... and lots of guys are possessive.  Regardless of your excuse for not wearing it, he didn't see it on you therefore you are no longer his... and he couldn't deal with that.  Its like you don't see your marriage as being a priority... and like most men in the military...that relationship to families and friends and spouses are the ONLY thing they have to keep your sanity (and I do mean sanity).  That's why the military MAKES you talk to your family.  When he saw you without the ring, he sees that as the overwelming factor for anything else that was talked about, excused, discussed...whatever... its almost as if he can't think about anything else but the fact that it wasn't around your finger... and until he can cool off by venting... escaping... being physical... he can't process that feeling and learn to communicate about it or overcome it...sometimes it can take a few hours or days...sometimes its unforgiveable and unreasonable and they never get over it (those types don't last long in relationships anyway).  He may have said something, well if you can't wear it... put it on a necklace and wear it around your neck.  It's a total predatory...possessive... male attitude... a little juvenile yes... but some guys are like that. 
 I understand all this when you put it this way .. it just felt like an excuse and a way to turn it all on me at the time .. you know?

As far as him treating your sister and other family/friends... in his mind, they are all the same... you're affiliated/related with them... thus, he thinks they're just the same as you... so he gets hostile to them in order for him to process his emotional baggage that occured either by his visit, the ring issue, or events that occured during his time in the military.  It's all hard to say...  but aggressive emotions are chemicals going crazy in your brain... when you yell, hit, get aggressive... they subside... that's how he deals with it.  It's not you... he needs chill time...of which was not mitigated by the fact he had to leave and go back to the service after 3 days.

I'm thankful that he is not physically agressive. He's just disregards the feelings of others and has a hard time being empathetic (i say just like its not a big deal but it is) 

If that's something that you can't understand or tolerate... you already know the answer to problem.

Do you think there is anything that can be done to help the situation??  

I don't think anyone can answer that question other then you and/or him.  Did he go back recently?... like what happened when he went back after the 3-day incident?  Have you talked on the phone? Email? Letters?  How have the conversations been?  Is he back to the way he was?  If so, he probably just had some crazy emotional trigger during that 3-day period and he's cooled off.  If not and he's still an asshole... need to talk to him and try to get to the bottom of it.  If a guy is too stuborn to talk to, he needs a good punch in the stomach to wake up.  If he's still being a hot-head... stop talking to him... isolate yourself from the negative energy.  Play the politically correct mommy and say he needs a time out period...  It will keep you from going crazy but at the same time, it will force him to start dealing with the situation quicker... because he's having to internalize everything rather than just deflect everything onto you again.  On the good side, if he can open up and start communicating with you... you can patch things up and continue.  On the bad side, if he's not reacting to the neglect and start behaving like an adult...again, you know the answer to your problem... get your pen handy. Don't take what I'm saying as i'm trying to break the two of you up... because he's already doing a good job at that.  All I'm saying is don't waste YOUR life trying to patch up something that isn't patchable.  If you love him, it's hard to lose that... it's gut wrenching... but as easily as love can go, it can come back again... and it may not be with the same person.  Start making some decisions for yourself without having to run it through a hostile relationship first. 

You're right about not wasting my life trying to patch things up .. but at the same time i can't just give up when there is a bump in the road. .. so i have thought about this alot because i know it can be easy to just excuse his behavior away and give him a 3rd 4th and 5th chance .. I have set certain bounderies that i plan to stick too.

I think we need to spend time as a real married couple, liveing together and getting to know eachother because honestly, phone calls and video chats are just not enough.

And if it ever gets physical even once, i'm out.

wow, i know the feeling of being overwhelmed like you are. on one hand, i thought his poor attitude may be from post traumatic stress from being overseas. but i don't know him. i am just getting out of an abusive relationship, and from your story, i see lots of red flags. please becareful before you leave urself alone in korea and you may have to deal with this 'jerk' attitude.  maybe consider couples counseling if it gets bad again. i hate to see you go thru a 'jerk' when you have to talk him up and the flowers stop. i'll pray for you. i hope it gets better.  hugs! Amanda

Oh one more thing... and I don't want to say this just to put another thorn in your side... but you asked for advise and now you're getting it wether you want to listen or not... Yes, I'm blunt... Another thing us guys do... is sometimes when we want out of a relationship or if we've already cheated.  Is we intentionally cause turmoil in the existing relationship as a scapegoat to get out of it.  Odds are if you can't put up with the turmoil we're causing you, you'll dump us... then it's a nice clean get away with minimal emotional baggage on our parts.  Which is symptoms of how he's treating your friends and family too.  If he wants out of the relationship, he may want out of the other friendships, etc with others that involve you... so he's try to make enough rifts as possible so you'll kick his butt to the curb and he can move on with his own life.  If you call him on it and ask if he wants out of the relationship... if he says some **** like "Well, it seems like you do because you weren't wearing your wedding ring...blah blah blah"  This is a passive aggressive response and its a reserve psychology tactic which means "yes, i want to end it" but without acknowledging to you or himself that he wants out. I know it's totally lame... but it's the truth...

I like bluntness.. it doesn't bother me at all ..so go ahead and call it how you see it.

He's not passively agressively tring to get out of our relationship. I'm an expert at doing that myself and i'd recognize it.

I did tell him i had seriously considered divorce and i feel like that made him realize how serious i was. He said he'd consider marriage counciling before talking about divorce. When i mentioned marriage counciling previously he asked me not to force the issue .. so his reaction tells me he's not looking for a way out.

Excellent... it sounds like he's working through it... but sounds like he just needs a bit more time to think.  If he said not to force the issue, than it sounds like he feels he's grown up enough to work it without 3rd party assistance, which i think is a healthy way of doing it and helps you learn more about the other person that you're commiting your life to.  Be patient with him... give it more time...

We talked again to day.

I realized that he equates being thoughtful with me wanting material things. So, basiclly he feels like im using him for gifts??

But I dont mean "but me something" when i say can you please be more thoughtful/considerate.  I mean a card, or opening the door for me or a call to see how i made it out of surgery or walking slow so i can keep up .... those are not expensive things.

Its just easier for him to buy me something and of course i don't complain .. so he thinks thats what i want and now he thinks im materialistic .. uuuhhhggg .. men are insane,