Mama Drama

I'm having my RNY in 4 days and my mom is alternately trying to talk me out of it and convince me to fly to TX (im in ATL) right after surgery to lay in bed for two days and then fly back...I won't bore you with the sordid history of broken trust between my mother and I, but I will say that I'm certain that her intentions for her insistence upon me being physically dependent on her are less than pure.   I've  explained the surgery to her  more than once  and  gave her as much info as i could find about the surgery, including my surgeon's website with her phone number on it...six months ago.   She obviously  hasn't read up on it because she claims that she didn't know that gastric bypass surgery was major surgery (she equated it to having her gall bladder removed), and yet she insists on offering endless streams of discouragement.  I could almost empathize with her, except for the fact that she KNOWS people whom have had the surgery and have been successful.  She even drove one such person to the hospital to have the procedure done! It's crunch time and i'm really getting tired of her pretending to support me and then trying to undermine me in the same breath... This is the 20's board, so i'm guessing i'm not the only one whose dealt with non-supportive helicopter parents....could ya help a girl out and tell me how you dealt with it? Oh, by the way, my name is Domonique, hope to hear from you...somebody...anybody

Sorry I don't have much advice for your  specific situation, but don't give up your plan just because of what she says. Try to surround yourself with supportive friends, and come to this site. There are many supportive people here.  

I would tell her that you appreciate her offer to help you but dragging your butt through a huge airport like Atlanta's right after major surgery just isn't going to be in your best interest. If she would really like to help, maybe it would be better if she came to you instead. That's what I did and it was a great help since I have two toddlers at home that I care for - I wasn't allowed to lift them for several weeks after surgery - how would you lift your luggage? My mom was there for the surgery and that had to go home before I was realeased from the hospital. My brother came down from NY the same day I was released and stayed with me for a week. Then when I told my mom I wasn't sure about taking care of the kids after I was still feeling lousy one week out, she got on a plane and came back and stayed with me for another week - my mom really came through for me. I'm not sure why your mom is acting this way, but I hope this new start in your life can also mark a fresh start in the relationship you and your mom have.

It's just not going to happen...you'll be down for the count post-op. You'll also want to ward off clots, and it takes time to get the anesthesia. out of your system..so its not really something you have decide. Medically you should be home and getting rest, not traveling. If she wants to support you and you're okay with it, have your mom fly to where you are.  If it will cause stress though, best to avoid it all together. 

Tell your mom that flying is a BAD idea early post-op (like the previous poster said) likely your doc wouldn't allow it.  So it just isn't going to happen.   As about how to deal with her mixed bag of responses to you, well, you are your own person and if she isn't going to come around love her anyway (as she will you) and if it is surgery you want then go for it.  She is probably worried for you.  My mom had a hard time with my surgery because I am young and she felt helpless.  When we talked about it she explained she just didn't want me to have horrible complications that she couldn't help me with.  So gotta love the mom who cares about you (if she didn't care she probably wouldn't be saying anything and if you didn't care about her then this wouldn't bug you like it does).  Could she maybe fly out to be with YOU instead?  I mean the cost would be about the same and then she could feel involved and productive.  I hope you get things resolved with her.  Just keep in mind that what you percieve as lack of support is most likely just her way of being concerned about a daughter she loves and wants the best for.

Thanks for the advice, everyone.  Actually, we discussed her possibly coming up here instead and she's certain that she can't afford to get up here and rent a hotel room and yada, yada, yada.  While the situation itself hasn't changed, reading your responses changed MY perspective on the situation, which is probably the most important thing anyway. Thanks again!