A post-op relationship question.

Hey All, This is the first time I have posted to this board. And I was wondering is there anyone that was in a relationship before surgery and it was going great have any dificulty or change their mindset towards the person they were with after they lost their weight? I am just curious as to how many people have actually ended their relationship due to the fact that after surgery they feel more confident and have noticed people of the opposite sex paying more attention to them. The reason I am asking is due to some personal issues in my life right and I would like some feedback as to what makes people change their mind about the ones they love. If you don't feel comfortable discussing issues like this on the board feel free to send me an email. I would really like some advice on how to handle things. Thank you for listening.

i think part of it is that we want to take this new body out to play! and people who weren't in the running before (because they were not attracted to our larger bodies or because they were not attracted to our self-estem level pre-op) are now suddenly prime bait! if you are in a relationship that is in anyway damaging or dangerious, get out now and don't be subtle about it. if you're in a good relationship but now want some time to play, be honest with your partner. part of the cost of playing with the new goods means you could get hurt, use sex and flirtation like you used to use food, get caught up in the superficiality of the meatmarket and get rejected despite your new hotness. so it's not all fun 'n games. but if you suggest maybe a break to see other people or open up the relationship to a just "dating" level that might meet the need you have to sow some oats. the key is communication and honesty both with yourself (what do you really want?) and your current partner. -kari

Mind you I am still Pre-op but read every single relationship post on the main forum and boards I am active on. In my research on this very subject matter there are a few key factors that are found to be repeating themselves: 1) Sometimes the patient chooses to make themselves believe they 'love' the person they are with because they do not feel they can find any one who addresses all of their needs. The "Settlement Syndrom" as some refer to it. 2) Sometimes the patient is in a great healthy relationship but finds themselves suddenly being seen by the rest of the world. Especially those members of the opposite sex that once ignored them. For patients that have not ever experienced this before it usually is reported to go one of two ways: completely embarassed and unsure of how to respond or enjoy the attention immensly and find themselves wrapped into the new experiences. 3) Sometimes the significant other changes along with the patient. Becoming insecure with the new found attention their 'safe' partner is getting. Now this does not always develope into intense controlling jealousy. This line, jealousy, is often refered to as the 100% cause of everyones negative response to the patients changes- there are various degrees and not all are just because they are envyous of the patient. 4) Most paitents who have this surgery do not know how to live as a thin person, some never learn. Every patient should discuss these changes and feelings with their psychiatrist (which should still be scene throughout the first year or two of the transition as needed). 5) Evaluate what's really going on. Are you no longer attracted to your partner? If not, why? Be honest with yourself and your partner.

Thank you for the posts. I'll tell you the problem. My fiance' and I have been together 2 years. I am her first and only real boyfriend she has ever had. She has never went out to the clubs or dated or anything. And she is about to turn 21. So now she is getting all this attention. I love her with all my heart and I know she loves me. But she said she needs to explore and date and have fun to know for sure we were meant to be together. She told me she really does think that we are and that she still loves me but she wants to live her life right now and have fun that she hasn't. But I got a question though. Why do people post-op want to date people who would have never given them the time of day when they were big? To me that is being so shallow. But I guess we all go through it. But to me you should follow what your heat says. Which hers maybe saying to do this. But I have told her that I'm willing to wait until she makes her mind up. I just hope she makes it up on me. But again thank you all for listening.

Some people forget about those people not wanting to even see them when they are big. If her true intent is to "explore" many of the activities she's not gotten to do before then perhaps- if what she says and you say to be true- do them together. There should be no excuses as to why you and her can not share the experiences together. I do not know how far post-op your young lady is, but one thing for certain does happen after surgery- release of hormones. Depending on the surgery type this can be a LOT all at once. 21 years old or not, living life has nothing to do with being promiscuous or drinking or clubs. Another warning, post-op alcohol is a no no. It does not take much to get a post op drunk and often post-ops find that they transfer their eatting compulsion to alcoholism if they do drink. Alcohol = empty carbs = bad = potential weight gain = defeats the purpose of everything she has gone through. Communication, true communication between yourselves, her doctor, her pyscologist (which I again stress she should continue seeing through her first year at least), and support groups - attend with her.

I think beautiful dreamer gave you some great info. to work with. The point about the addiction transfer (from food to alcohol) also applies with sex and dating/experimenting. I've seen that happen on this board more than once. Since I'm now at the stage your girl is going through (slim enough to warrent attention from those that would have ignored me back when and dating a guy for the last few months) I too am feeling out my new-found sense of sexuality. I'm really starting to understand the whole concept of a woman's power found through her sexual attractiveness. But I'm not sure it's in my personality. Just because I'm slender now, doesn't mean I can't get hurt! And like you pointed out, the guys weren't interested in me then, why would I want them now? Part of it is just being able for the first time to play on that level. So I keep it to flirtation and enjoy the attention. Another thing, when one is overweight (enough to get WLS), there is so much self-hate and self-censoring that happens. Getting freed from that burden (if only for a bit) releases all kinds of emotions and changes a person. We think differently about ourselves and project a very different sense of self to those we meet. So the guys that ignored me when I was bigger may not have dismissed me just because of my size, it may have been also because of the attitude I was putting out. If I felt I wasn't worth the attention, they why should they think differently? Now, suddenly, I'm confident and confidence is sexy no matter what the package. You sound incredibly patient, and really in love with your partner. You are doing absolutely everything you could do to support her, and that's admirable. Be careful you are not hurting yourself too much, you need to draw your own boundaries as well. Value yourself enough to know when to protect your own heart. She may need to play a while (a year?) before coming to her senses and if you're still around, great. Be open to the changes this may make in your own life too. -Kari

Thanks again Kari and Beautiful. Your advice has been so wonderful. I just know that I love my girlfriend with all my heart and have for the past 2 years. So if she wants to enjoy her new body and attitude thats fine. But I'll be waiting I'm sure. Like the old saying "If you love something set it free, and if it comes back it was meant to be." Guess thats what I have to do now. I know that a majority of relationships change after WLS but I was always hoping that since we are doing this together that ours would only get stronger. But who's to say it hasn't. I love her and I'm willing to let her take as much time as needed. But again thank you all so much for the replies. And wish you all nothing but the best.

larry, I can understand what your g/f is going through.. New attention, exploration, emotions that are positive, it makes you want to go out more and just have fun. You don't want to hide in the house afraid of what others think, I used to be this way. I know it's hard for you because you love her, is that her final word though?? she is still young. I do say, yes SOME relationships change after WLS, it might be in a good way or a bad way. You seem like a caring person, I do wish everything works out for the best.

Thank you Elizabeth. I don't know what her final word is. But all I know is that until she no longer wants to be with me or she says she is no longer in love with me I'm going to wait. I know in my heart I love her and I can still feel it when she tells me she loves me. And I too hope that all works out for the best. And again thank you so much for the kind words.