Almost wishing I looked more fat

Probably doesnt make much since to the outside world but I just had enought this weekend of everyone offering me & literally forcing chocolate on me. I am a self admitted & totaly proclaimed Chocolate/Sugar addict but still I heard this " your normal now you can have it" What the heck is that suppose to mean? I know no intentional harm was meant but I have no will power so offering me a box of candy saying just eat a little is nuts. I CANT DO THAT. I never could have gotten to 360 pounds if I could. Most of the time these days I spend being mad at myself because I am still fat 2 1/2 years post op. I know I have lost 161 pounds but all that matters to me is I still weight 200 pounds (give or take a month..goes up or down a little) I have not exercised at all in 9 months and everytime I set up to do it I sabatoge myself...Man mention taking a walk & I get a major headache. I was never EVER lazy at 360 pounds...even walked 4 miles every single day. but since I have hit the 200 pound mark I just cant seem to do it. Now with all this Candy around I am dying...I cant throw it away..I have tried..I gave most of it to work but I hide some..ok ALOT for me.. I am not expecting help because I do believe I can only help myslef...I just need to vent to someone who might understand that everyone else FINALLY seeing me normal sized is making me CRAZYYYYYYYYYY Diana RNY 9/17/03 360/199/wishing for but not helping myself 180

hey Diana ... makes complete sense. Hey, we "know" better, but what compels us? After losing 120 pounds, between September 2004 and July 2005, I had a 20 pound weight gain. I don't know EXACTLY where I went wrong (what really has me puzzled is that the entire YEAR prior to WLS I hadn't gained a single ounce ... and here, in a ten month period, I gained 20 pounds, and I *KNOW* I wasn't eating nearly as much as I had the year prior to surgery), but I was a slave to the carbs ... I started with 26 pretzel sticks (one serving) ... then two servings (they just don't fill you up!) ... I know I slacked on protein as well, then came the Nancy's baked pita chips, same story ... THEN, the EVIL popcorn. Sure, I started with one cup, that lasted about 2 weeks, then eventually I got to eating the entire bag of microwave popcorn!! SO ... these obviously are MY trigger foods (as opposed to sweets for some). I just can't have them in the house at all. And why tempt myself by trying to keep them in the house? Oh, I'm not saying I'll NEVER have any of those again, but just can't keep them here. I don't know what I can say to make you throw the candy away, I think that has to come from you, but either eat it or throw it away, quit torturing yourself!!! BTW, my lesson out of this is I will have to "watch" what I eat all my life. I now journal my food in fitday.com ... it can be a bit of an eye opener to see where your calories/carbs/protein are coming from. Whatever you decide Diana, I wish you well ... you've come such a long, long way ... and you should be very proud of yourself, but I don't think our "journey" after WLS is ever over. Take care, Karyn

Diana, I, too, am a chocoholic from way back. And I don't dump. My only solution is to not have it in the house. Or, if I get an occassional craving, I'll buy one single bar from the drug store. Get rid of what you've got stashed, its the only true way you're gonna avoid it. If you're like me, somewhere in the back of your mind, its whispering to you . . .

I understand. I don't need others telling me "It's OK to have just a little" or sending my husband a box of premium chocolates and include a note to me "now don't you ruin everything and eat this" (my loving mother's favorite slam). I can do all of that for (or against) myself without any other help. I actually did great on Easter (NO chocolate), partly because I was so busy preparing dinner for 22, taking care of my grandson, etc. In fact, I ate far less the entire day than normal because I was so busy. It was very hard yesterday to pick up the leftovers of chocolate, Jelly Belly's and such and put them in the dumpster. You'd have thought I was throwing away something for immense value. But I did it and then rolled the garbage can down to the street. Another hurdle jumped? Not exactly. On my way home yesterday I needed to stop and get a bottle of water (hot day, top down). There on sale was a bag of black licorice. now, there was a time about a year ago that I found myself starting to pig out on licorice. I could only eat 2 or 3 pieces at a time before dumping, but if you do that 3 or 4 times a day it really adds up. I had to get tough with myself (that's so not easy) and ignore their call. While I was struggling with this, more than once I took a few pieces from a bag and threw the rest away (I could have purchased a small bag but of course never did, because where is the economy in that?) Obviously, addictions have no logic. So back to yesterday. I bought the %**%*% bag. I didn't stop at 2 or 3 pieces. I had 5, maybe 6. In minutes I was feeling pretty woozy, heart pounding and ill by the time I arrived at the library. Getting out of that tiny car was hard work. Leaning over to pick up the stack of books from the floor nearly caused me to pass out. I went in the library and just sat and stared for 15 minutes waiting for this dumping to pass. WILL I EVER LEARN? So before I picked up new books, I went back to the car and took the bag of licorice to the garbage can. I felt sick at heart and out of control and wondering why I insist on sabotaging myself, especially when I KNOW I run the risk of feeling lousy physically and emotionally. Because food is my drug of choice, I'm a recovering addict, but I'll never be fully cured. There is something deep in my pscyhe that craves the taste, smell, texture and momentary high I get from sugar. It's such a fleeting pleasure that I often wonder why I would even bother. But I do. And I just have to keep fighting it and never give up trying Here's the second problem after I have an episode like that. When the next meal time comes I'm almost afraid to eat because I can't help thinking of the useless calories I consumed. Nothing sounds good either. After cleaning my car, vacuuming the house, doing some laundry, walking the dogs, talking to my husband, I finally was able to force myself to have some meat and vegies. I actually felt better then because my body got the good food it TRULY craves (as opposed to what my mind craves-the sweets). So crazy, NO. Normal, YES!--in many ways. Don't kid yourself, people wanting to "feed" you because you are normal sized in their minds are just justifying their desire to consume what they don't need. We love comrades in crimes and misdemeanors. I truly think it's more about their needs than their concern about your needs. So, if we can't say no to others, how are we ever going to say no to ourselves. And we have to learn to do that better. Diana, you do NOT want to be fat again. None of us really does. It's a form of self-persecution. This is hard work, but we have to believe we can do it, that we deserve better, that we are worth it. Anewme - a major work in progress Feb 2003