Long post but I need Help..need serious responses

I know that once again I am opening myself up for a good yelling but maybe I need it. I am 2 1/2 years post op and down 160 pounds but still feel huge and always have felt like I eat way more than anyone ever confesses on these or any boards. Actually when I read the posts of people complaining about how much they eat, to me it seems like nothing. I must also add that I have never given up sugar. I am totally truly addicted and the more I try not to have it the more I want it. I do not eat sweets constantly but everyday something sugary goes into my mouth. For instannce a normal work day for me will include this type of food...green tea with splenda, 3 or 4 cookies (someone is always bringing them to work), thats before lunch. Usually a can of soup for lunch or a sandwich that I pick most of the bread off of. (bread is the only thing I usualy watch) then 3 or 4 pieces of candy whatever is here and there is always soemthing) I do try and keep SF around my desk. Then for dinner it will be most of a grilled chicken breast a good scoop of veggies and a good scoop of some starch. I always eat the veggies first cause its what I like. I avoid soda except in an occasional diet gingerale & jack daniels ( I know something else to leave alone but if I have 2 drinks a week its alot) That is a typical day. somedays I eat lots more....some days less. I will also say that I take a protien liguid as a suppliment (protinex if you know it) 2 TBLS = 15 grams protein like I said before I have always eaten poorly, thats how i got to be 360 pounds in the first place...I have never been totally happy of my weight loss but I know its my fault. My problem now is that I am ALWAYS feeling crappy. Nausious but not vomit, tired...just plane sickly. I need something to kick me in the butt. I dont know if anyone can help me...I tried therapy but it did nothing but make me hate myself. I truly feel like I am sabatoging myself. Ok now im crying my hiney off at work... Diana RNY 9/17/03 360/200

Diana, In speaking for myself, I never liked myself to begin with. I was molested several times by family members by the time I was 7, grew up in a neighborhood that wasn't my family's ethnic background and was ridiculed terribly until I was 11 yrs old and decided that drugs and alcohol were my only way out. The drugs and alcohol stopped at age 23 and food took over! I am now 49 was weighing 262 before surgery (1/05) and now am down to 175lbs (gained 5lbs in the last 4 weeks). I think that sometimes I just downright enjoy eating until I can't eat anymore and feel sick...that's the sickness I have. Other times I eat because I just can't stand myself. I look in the mirror and I still see the 262 lb person with the knees so bad that they need to be replaced, etc... and, so I eat some more. The thing I try to remember is to be honest with myself. I had this surgery because I couldn't do this on my own...I needed help. I couldn't walk anymore. I don't want to go back to where I was before, but sometimes I think that it would be easier! I don't have any answers, just want you to know that you are not alone. I have the same problem at work...food, junk, etc. is always available. I keep extra snacks I can eat in a container in my desk drawer, so if I am having a "snack attack" I don't go overboard! I pray that you and I will learn to love ourselves enough to realize that we are worth this wonderful change in our lives! God Bless You, Sheila

Ok, I'll try to answer as honestly as I can and with every intetion of helping you...... I feel like crap when I eat crap. I have noticed that there is a part of me that likes to feel like the victim and when I eat crap, I start to feel sorry for myself.. so much that I cry and get all depressed.... It's a psychological tail spin .... The only way out for me is to eat healthy... no crap!!! Then wear myself out at the gym or running on the beach... and I mean really wearing myself out!!! After an hour run, I really don't have any emotions... just physical exhaustion and a kind of high... a feeling of well being.... this feeling is so much better than any bag of Oreos ever gave me.... So I would say to you... try it... eat very healthy for a few days... leave the cookies and candy alone... eat your protein first..... then the veggies... go for a walk or swim or something physical that can exhaust you... I bet you will feel better emotionally, physically and even spiritually..... try it and call me in the morning...lol..... Good Luck to you.... Laurie - minus 176 lbs!!

Hi, Diana. You are not alone! I'm a sugar-eater too, and like you have never given it up. I eat some every day, just like you said you do. Stuff at work is a problem for me, too. There's an office kitchen right behind where I work, and there is something in there that I shouldn't be having ALOT of the time. And I'm the first to admit that I have no willpower or discipline, which is why I got to be 100 pounds or more overweight in the first place. And I will also agree with you that the more I eat of this stuff (in place of "good" food) the worse I feel. Trouble is, I will eat good, healthy stuff, and still find room for the bad stuff that's around. I've also noticed my weight has crept up little by little from my low of 160 back to about 178. I always said I wouldn't let that happen, but I did. I have been hanging at the 178 for a while, and since it scared me a little bit, I have been doing somewhat better at controlling my food intake. Also, I found that I probably wasn't taking in enough protein, so I have started adding two protein drinks a day, and I have felt much better since doing so. By 2 drinks I mean an added 40-50 grams of protein a day. I'm going to bet that you feeling crappy has a lot to do with not getting enough protein. Perhaps you could try upping that a little more - it may even help to curb your desire for the sugar. It does help me that way. I would definitely do that since you don't seem to favor the traditional protein sources. Eating your veggies is good, though! I'm sorry I don't have a better answer for you. I think we just have to keep plugging away at this. I do think, though, that you shouldn't "punish" yourself for eating "bad" stuff by cutting back on the other, healthier foods. That would really be counter-productive in the long run, by making you feel worse. Carlita

I think you need a hug more than a yelling. ((((huggs)))) I think we probably eat similar amounts, but I don't do sugar free candy, it kills my belly w/ the gas. I will occasionally eat a smal piece of real candy, the stor near my house has stuff in bulk bins, so I will buy 12 M&M's or 2 tiny tootsie rolls kind of thing. (half the time the cashier doesn't even ring it up when they check me out, saying it is not enough to even bother to weigh it!) I generally get in between 1500-1700 calories a day. when I see others posts on what they ate, I am incredulous that they are not passing out from hunger - I would be. I decided it is not even a good idea for me to look at those posts any more because it makes me feel like a failure.(except tooters post, she eats real food) My real big downfall is COOKIES. I try to not even have them in the house. I have been known to take them and throw themin the back yard for the birds. Or I'll get 1 scoop of ice cream, eat 2-3 bites and throw the rest in the garbage or if I am in the car I have thrown and ice cream cone out the window after my 3 bites. I was recently doing some reading on eating disorders after listening to a program on the radio about a book called "Just a little too thin" about how to identify if your daughter has or is starting to have an eating disorder. I didn't know much in detail on any of them. I know I have many issues w/ eating, binging, and My therapist tells me I over exercise and that could be a form of bulemia. As I was surfing the net I found pro-ana and pro mia sites that support anorexia and bulemia not as eating disorders but as a lifestyle choice. I looked thru some of those sites and to be honest, I felt like I was reading some of the posts from this (OH) web site. It has really made me think long and hard about what I am reading and seeing and how I let it affect my thinking. I have had to kind of back up and look at my choices and how I feel about myself and my eating. Much "food" for therapy. I OFTEN let my food choices affect how I feel about myself and the control or lack of control I have with regards to eating. My strict desire to control is exactly what anorexics have, they are just more disciplined in following thru. I recently also read a book called "how much does your soul weigh" by Dorie McCubbrey. she is a dr (PhD) who treats eating disorders and is recovered from an eating disorder herself. It has exercises in it that help you look at your diet habits and the emotional stuff that goes with it all. I highly recommend it. I am going to repost this as a new post too. I feel it is important to share and support each other with kindness to be well and healthy. However I don't think it is real possible to get recovery from an eating disorder with out some kind of professional help and support.

Don't beat yourself up! Or compare yourself to some of the folks on here who say they don't eat anything but some protien shakes. I for one refuse to live like that the rest of my life. I, like Tooter, eat real food, I just eat healthy real food (most of the time, I do have my moments of weakness, which I will say lately has been alcohol) But I have realized that is replacing overeating with alcohol and that's not good and am trying to work out that issue now after having gained about 7 pounds. I know the gain is due to the wine I have been consuming and not my eating. I still only get about 1200 cal. a day from food, but when you add 2-3 (or more) glasses of wine on top of that at 20 calories per ounce, well, it adds up. Right now, I have tried to drop my calories to 1000 to get the excess back off, or at least part of it. I really got too thin at one time and didn't mind a 3-4 pound regain, but when the other 3-4 came my clothes started getting too tight and some things I cannot wear any more! We just gotta take responsibility for our own actions and learn to focus on good nutrition. I know my eating is healthy, I just gotta quit the other stuff. We can do it! You are not alone in this struggle. I think maintenance has been a learning experience for me. I have always resented the fact that I cannot eat like normal people do and not gain weight and I began to get that mind set again. I know that I have to do things differently that a lot of people do who maintain a healthy weight without even trying. We all, as formerly obese people, will probably have to do that the rest of our lives if we want to keep the weight off. Personally I think I have accepted that fact and have stopped feeling sorry for myself because I cannot eat the way I want to and stay the same. It is a sacrifice I am willing to make to stay slim. Now, I just gotta get the same mind set about the wine issues I am having! Wish me luck! Angie

Your thoughts touched my soul and helped me. I try and revel in my weight loss of 127 lbs, I still weight 203 lbs now. I am very happy and thankful that I chose to have WLS. Nothing else in my adult life has helped me lose weight and I am beginning to feel good about Monica. However I notice that the weight does not come off as quickly anymore, I make an effort to increase my protein intake and up my exercise and I see that I can still be successful in losing the pounds. But I must really think about this and focus and not sabotage myself. I surround myself with good food choices and I often play a head game when there are "bad" foods around at work and sometimes at home. I tell myself I know what that food tastes like and I don't need it. If it is a food item that I have not had, then I allow myself a taste, not a slab or huge serving. This works for me and makes me feel empowered, a totally new feeling and mind set. I wish you luck with the wine issues. Not being in denial is a plus for all of us. I eat real food, enjoy it, and am I am so thankful that I can enjoy the food and make the good choices to help me be successful. Best of luck to us all as we travel on this journey together. Monica, healthier, happier, sexier, and so thankful 330/203/16?

Hi Diana. First off, let me congratulate you on ~160lbs, that's wonderful! I agree that when I read what some people say they eat in a day, that it doesn't seem possible~at least not for me, LOL! I'm only 14mths post op and i feel like I eat WAY more than most people admit to eating, but I do try to make it all good choices. Like you said, I have some days when I eat alot and other days not as much. I just try to go by what my body is telling me~within reason, LOL. I haven't gone back to sugar (always my biggest downfall) only b/c I'm so afraid that I will dump. I've let that fear be my guide and that's a good fear I guess. I do eat s/f candy though~usually a piece or two every day. I need to allow myself that. I also drink alcohol on occasion if I'm out and want one. Do you think the vomiting could be from dumping? I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about things~is there anything I can do to help? Please let me know if I can! {{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}} Tracy B 328/159 5'9"

Hi Diana, I am not really seeing anything wrong with your choices with exception of the sugar things. I can't imagine eating only protein shakes 3 bites of salad and a couple bites of chicken. I see people posting that and always wonder HOW IN THE H@LL??? You know, get rid of the cookies and replace with some protein and maybe 1 piece of candy and you have basically described what I eat.. I still have 55 lbs to lose +/-. You've lost 160!!! So how much more do you think you need to lose? Pat

Hey Diana ... we're at about the same place and had surgery within a couple months of each other. I too, feel huge. I look at pictures of me NOW and I feel that I look like I have another 150 pounds to lose. I just don't see a difference from 2-1/2 years ago. I have a recurring dream that I was stabbed and the paramedics were going to lift me into the ambulance and I tell them, you're not going to be able to lift me, I weigh 350 pounds. I'm kind of at an anti-food place right now (I know ... I'm "working on it", and unfortunately, getting nowhere fast), but I've never tested myself with sugar. From the beginning, I just told myself, I can't eat sugar. I have dumped, most recently (a few months ago, November I think) on 4 sips of a kahlua and cream ... and actually I'm afraid of NOT dumping, because I KNOW I will be totally out of control, perhaps not with sweets, but the pretzels, baked pita chips, and popcorn, as they have done much harm (not that I dumped on those things, but I sure wish I did). I'd gladly give you a kick in the heine dear, if you'll do the same for me. I can't shake whatever it is that I'm into (believe me, the thought of sabatoge has come up more than once). Best wishes and lotsa love to you Diana, Karyn