ot/ Very confused with life

Hi Everyone, I have not been on here in while as I have not felt that I have much to offer or say, I have been very caught in myself lately. Anway I have been having very mixed feelings about my life, here I am 15mos out from surgery, have lost all my weight, I feel really good about the way I look, but....I am still very unhappy. I have been unhappy most my life, I have been in out of therapy and mental hospitals for severe depression and anxiety. I no longer can or will use food to self medicate the emptyness that I alway feel. My pattern in life has been get thin, get attention from men act on the attention by giving in and then jumping right into a relationship and then gaining weight, lots of it, the get rid of the man get thin, and repeat. I have never been thin and in a long term relationship. I am feeling like I am climbing the walls, I am so bored with my life. I got married to my present husband for all the wrong reasons, I care about him very much and would never want to hurt him but I am feeling again like I no longer want to be married. I have a six year old son from him and am really stuggling with whos happiness is important here, my sons or mine. Our marriage is not volitle we do not fight, we just don't interact to much, my husband and I have very little in common. I find myself wanting very much to have an affair so that I can fill the void in my life with excitement. Now I know this is wrong and that the consequences for everyone would be bad. I started back in therapy with a therapist I have seen on and off for the past 6yrs and he point blank told me to get a divorce and do what makes me happy. The idea of that is overwhelming, I could not imagine the hurt, anger and disapproval I would cause my husband, my son, my in-laws, my mom and my sister and aunts. I am feeling very stuck and confused and afarid of starting to eat again to repress these feelings. Anyway I really needed to get this off my chest I am open to hear any feedback. Thanks, Melissa

Normally, I wouldn't suggest this... But maybe, and I get the idea you have a relatively human husband with a sense of understanding... Rather than having an affair, take a chance and tell your husband how you feel... The specific sentence(s) that made me think of this idea .... I care about him very much and would never want to hurt him but I am feeling again like I no longer want to be married. I have a six year old son from him and am really stuggling with whos happiness is important here, my sons or mine. Our marriage is not volitle we do not fight, we just don't interact to much, my husband and I have very little in common. I find myself wanting very much to have an affair so that I can fill the void in my life with excitement. Instantly reminded me of that song "If you like PIna Coladas and gettin' caught in the rain..." I don't think I would EVER suggest to a woman to tell her husband such a thing, but reading that little paragraph made me say out loud... tell him what you just wrote! Eloquent way of saying I'm lonely and love you, but something is missing and .... well you get the picture. Good for you for considering your other family members... as what there is a huge ripple affect/effect all around our actions and the actions of others... Hope this little pebble of a wave is a good one.

Pat, Thanks so much..your response made me laugh...the pina colada song. I am going to have to find a way to talk to my husband. Thanks for the smile, Melissa

Melissa, I can certainly sympathize with you on these feelings of unhappiness. Im not usually one to air my laundry in a public forum, but your post drew my attention. Especially the part about your "getting thin Pattern", I have done the same thing in my life. While I haven't considered an affair, I did consider leaving my husband. Instead I saw my therapist and she suggested I talk to my husband and tell him how I am feeling...easier said than done around here, and like I hadn't already tried that a thousand times. Even though my husband is a wonderful man...HE DOESN'T TALK!!! It really surprised me that your therapist told you to get a divorce. I really love my husband, he is just a really laid back guy who doesn't worry or express much emotion, anger or excitement. Although we have a lot in common, we also have a lot of differences. My therapist told me that I shouldn't expect him to be like me, which is what I wanted...lol But she also said he should be more expressive and communicate better. So, we are working on it...so far its getting better. We are doing more together and talking more. I agree you should make yourself happy, but try to find out what is making you feel the way you do before you do something as drastic as a divorce. I had to tell my husband I needed more attention. I didn't like saying that, but it worked. Don't worry about others, take care of YOU! You will be in my thoughts. I sincerely hope you can work this out. If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to email me anytime. Hugs, Joyce

Hi Joyce, I appreciate you opening up to me on here, it really does help to know that I am not the only one who has had these feelings. Our husbands sound so alike. My biggest problem is my desire to meet new people and trying not to act on those feelings and figure out where it is all coming from. Thanks again for your open response. Melissa

You are very welcome, Melissa. I was thinking re: your desire to met new people...do you have a close female friend that you could hang out with sometimes? Say, go out on a girl's night out? That way you would meet some guys, dance and go home to hubby! If your husband is like mine, he wouldn't mind at all. Just a thought. Joyce

I had to respond to your post. I can identify with your feelings and this is more about your feelings than it is about your marriage. You need to communicate how you feel to your husband and hear his feelings as well. Marriage is about sharing ... the good and the bad... and before you make any decision about what makes you happy.... you have to figure out what that is. If affairs and different men made you happy, you would not be where you are now. An affair might be exciting for alittle while but in the long run, it would not improve your life and make you happy. You would again arrive at an unhappy point, searching for something. It is my opinion that you owe it to your son, your husband but mostly, you owe it to yourself to try and resolve your current relationship with your husband. This may mean keeping together or not, but you have to first communicate your feelings and find out his to know where to go. You must at least try to fix where you are before you move on.... giving up when things get tough never resolves anything and leads to a life time of unhappiness.... repeating old behaviors.....Please, for yourself, work on what will make you happy but find out what that is before you throw it away.... you might already have the happiness.... it might just need finessed a bit for you to recognize it..... I am not judging you in anyway, I have made many mistakes along my life but finally am learning from them not to repeat and am recognizing what makes me happy is much more simple than I thought. Part of my not being happy comes from thinking I am not worthy and repeating destructive behavior with men just to prove someone thought I was worthy did not make me any happier in the long run....... but having a husband and children who care about me is what makes me happy.... and we are all worthy of love... Wishing you happiness! Sharon

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I am almost 2 1/2 years out and have had the same feelings you are relating for about a year and a half now. I have toyed with the thought of an affair, and almost did at the end of last summer, but stopped myself in time. My husband sounds about the same, he is a good guy who loves me very much, is good to me, but he is very laid back and doesn't talk a lot about problems, etc. We have been through a lot of ups and downs the past year with his son, who lived with us from the time we got married until a few months ago (whew, thank god he is gone). We are trying to put it back together, but it is difficult. I still love him, but I seem to feel like there is something more that I need out of life. He works nights, I work days so we really don't see each other that much, so I find myself going out with friends during the week a good bit. That still doesn't feel like enough, even though my husband does not care for me going out. We never have enough money to do what we want, so that's always been an issue. The people I hang out with now have much more than I do, lawyers, doctors, bankers, etc. and I guess that just makes my life feel less somehow, even though in my head I know that it is not. Sometimes I even think that I could for sure get a man now who could give me more than my husband does, but would that make me happy either???? What will ever make me happy? At this point in my life, I just don't know. Maybe one day we will figure it out! For now, I will just continue going like I am going, I guess. Another thing is that I hang out with my first husband sometimes now (not sexual, but he is the one that I almost had an affair with) and now his ex-girlfriend is threatening to call my husband and tell him we are! He says we might as well go ahead since we are already being accused, but I haven't fell for that bull. I cannot do that to my husband, he does not deserve being hurt like that. If I decide I want to go that route, I will just have to get a divorce first. I am just not one who can sleep around like that with no guilt. The guilt would eat me up. Gosh, I sound screwed up, don't I?

Thank you to all of you *****sponded...I am at work and have not had a chance to respond to everyone individually but I feel very blessed to have rec'd the encouragement from all of you. Thanks again Melissa

Melissa, I think we have all gone through our boughts or destructive behavoir to different extents. And I'm just throwing this out there, please don't take it as an attack... Maybe the problem is not your relationship, or your happiness, maybe it's just you. If you have had mental issues for a long time like you said, it sounds like you have not dealt with those issues and it's manifesting it in the way you perceive your happiness, your relationship, and yourself. If you are not happy being married, do you really think you would be happy not married? The only thing that can make you happy is you, and part of that is dealing with whatever has eaten you up inside. It sounds like you absolutely have to talk to someone, get on meds, and deal with the issues. Tell your hubby that you need him to be by your side but put things on hold, and stop dreaming about what might be if.... because that will only make things worse. Plus it's dishonest to the person to whom you made a vow. And a part of gaining self respect is that you are truthful to yourself and others. I hope all goes ok with you for your sake and your family's sake. GOod luck to you. Michelle