Help me help my friend (very long)

I have a serious issue and need some suggestions/comments/input. I have a friend who had WLS 4 years ago in April. For the past year I've known there was a drinking problem. Now it's serious. Last summer she told only me the truth about what happened with her car. She was drinking and driving and his something then drove off. She told everyone else but me that she came out and her car had been hit. Then at the end of last summer early fall, she called me up and told me to meet her at a bar. I did. She was drinking so much I was floored! She kept buying me drinks even when I hadn't finished the first. So, every time she went to the bathroom, I'd either A. dump it or B. give it away to someone sitting close by. She had drank so much I convinced her that it was time to go home and let me park the car at my office across the street. It would be safe. I mean after all, it's next to the police impound lot. I told her I'd get her in the morning to retrieve her vehicle. It took some fancy talking, but it worked. Well during Christmas season she took about 3 weeks off, things were bad with her and her husband talk of divorce and all. I spoke with her on about 4 occasions, each time she was drunker than 7 Irish Lords (that's just an old expression my dad uses - so sorry if I offended anyone with it). Then about 3 weeks ago I found out she got a DUI and really got nailed to the cross because an open container was involved. She has no vehicle, she's been attending AA meetings and has signed up for all the classes that are required of her for the DUI, plus extra that she never had to do. Last Friday, she had a relapse. This time it was on duty. She drank 4 bottles of wine in 1 1/2 hours and then decided to walk to her AA meeting. She slipped and fell and one of the people that goes to the meeting found her and picked her up, called her sponsor and sobered her up enough to go back to work several hours later. Last night I called to check on her to tell her I'd be in her neck of the woods and I'd bring coffee. She sounded funny...I asked if things were okay, could I do anything, was it a bad time to talk - all the buzz things you could think of to do. She told me no on all accounts. This morning I popped in and she wasn't there. She's ALWAYS there, she's never late. Her hubby was home last night and answered the phone when I called, but never let on anything was happening. So...my dilemma - do I tell HR that she's spiraling down a bad bad hole - risk losing my friend forever OR do I just shut my mouth and do the same thing but maybe have to live with her killing herself or worse - someone else. My heart is beyond heavy and I do not know what to do. I've offered support of all kinds, but she only comes to me when she's sober. Help....please...

I work for a very large company that requires we take extensive online classes about our work responsibilities. One that I just finished dealt with just this topic, and we are legally responsible to report any activity that could jeopardize the employee or company's health and safety. Our process is to contact the employee's immediate supervisor with our concerns, knowledge or valid suspicions. There is quite a process that follows and who all gets involved depends on what is going on with the employee. I would rather lose a friend because I cared enough to risk the friendship, that lose a friend because I did nothing when I couuld have or should have. Hard choice; but is there an alternative? Good luck, from the bottom of my heart. Anewme

I feel for you so much. What an awful situation to be in. I would say you should come forward. If she isn't willing to save herself, you can't save her, but you could save someone else and that is the important thing. Please keep us posted. I will say a prayer for you and your friend. Hugs, Bridget

I'd probably tend to talk to her husband, other friends and see if an intervention could be planned. I would be concerned about putting her business out there at work. Some companies would get rid of an employee or start a process that would eventually lead to her being fired. I don't think I could live with knowing I was responsible for getting my friend fired. On the other hand as someone else said I'm not sure I could live with myself if she injured someone else due to her drinking. Ultimately I don't think you can take responsibility for her, but she's fortunate to have a friend like you who is concerned. Best of luck in finding a loving way to handle the situation.

Well, your story could be our story with our close friend except for the WLS. I guess all I can say is that her and I are not very different, except that she could kill someone drunk behind the wheel of a car, and the worst I could be behind the wheel of the car is fill up the passenger's side seat with candy wrappers. We are both addicts but there is no surgery for alcholism. For years we would help her out, take her shopping when she needed to, pay for necessities sometimes when she drank her money the night before and was ready to get kicked out of her apartment, or she lost her job because she was so drunk she never showed up or she was drinking on the job, or we had to pick her up because she didn't know where she was and where her car was. Now she just drinks by herself in her apartment. It is really bad. And the sad thing is is so is so beautiful and smart and funny. When she is sober. When she is drunk she's ugly from head to toe and on the inside. You will, if you haven't already, gotten to the point of "what else can I do? Nothing!" The most you can do is try to talk her out of driving: if your going to drink, get drunk at home. You can be there when her husband needs support, or you can support her when she decides to go to rehab. But the decision we made was I love her, I want to help, but she is toxic. You may never forgive yourself when she runs over a family of 4 on the sidewalk and you were her friend to the end. Don't tell HR, there's nothing they can do that you haven't tried to do already. Telling HR would be the husband's call to make, not yours. I would recommend distancing yourself from her, and make it known to her flat out why. She will end up pulling you into her spiral is she hasn't gotten you into already. Get out while you can. Only she can help herself. This has only been my experience and is not meant to sound coldhearted. But I have to protect myself first. And I tried being a friend, and a supporter, and an enabler. None of them work. Nobody talk you out of being an overeater, and no one can talk her out of being an alcoholic except for herself. Good luck to you and I hope whatever decision you make it was the right thing for you. Michelle

very tough situation. I personally would never take a friends issue to HR. It could really explode back on you in a way you might not want to deal with. You have offered support. continue to do so. there is only so much you can do. A suggestion - attend some al-anon meetings, they are for freinds and families of alcoholics. One of the hardest things to learn is that you cannot save them, cannot stop them from self destruction etc. You don't need to support bad behavior, or be involved in it. You might try to talk to her husband and offer support there. My DH had an employee who was using drugs on the job. He approached it by setting up for the person to enter a rehab program, that would be covered by insurance, confronted the person, and gave the ultimatum- rehab or leave. the person quit. the guy still uses, has ruined his health, and still badmouths my DH to everybody who will listen about what a jerk he is. Of course my DH can't even defend himself and tell the real story because it would violate the guys privacy.