Confessions of the Heart

Wow it has been a long time since I have been on here, to share my journey and life with you all..... I know I probably shouldn't have left the boards, you guys were always there to pick me up when I fell, but a lot has happened and I didn't want to drag you all down with me, but am thinking maybe If I write it all down, I will feel better, you know like that letter you were always going to write and send it up in a balloon..... It has been a year since Mike has been out of work at the Pentagon, he was dismissed for health reasons from 9-11. His lungs are way bad, he has to use his nebulizer machine 2-3 times a day, and his sprayers as well. Sometimes he gets lost, and he forgets, and sometimes he really gets on my last nerve, but I know it is not his fault, and I know I need to have more patience.. I thought when I had this surgery it was the "miracle cure". maybe I was right, maybe I would be dead by now, who knows... All I know is I am back on all my pain meds, and all the meds I was on before the surgery. The first year was a wonderful year, I was able to get off of my meds, and I kep****ching the scale go down, all new clothes, and it was a magical time. But reality is, it was a temperory fix for me, I have gained 24 pounds back with the use of steroids, and just nervous tensions that we are going through. We moved to Maine last June, and I love it up here, it is home, there is so much I want to do, but am having a hard time doing again, I don't even have the energy to paint my kitchen purple here. Am hoping it is a case of cabin fever, but with all the vicodins and darvocets I am taking again, I don't think it is.. I still push myself a lot, and make myself do things, but some days I just want to lay in a warm bed and watch tv... Last visit to the Dr's said I could add Fibro to the list of Lupus, Arthritis, and my heart condition..... I am trying really hard to get back on track, I downloaded fitday again, and will try to stay at about 1000 calories a day, to see if I can lose this again... I am really fed up with myself and am having a major pity party.. All I know is it has to stop, and I need to get back to where I was. Who knows maybe this post will help me get there. Don't mean to drag you all down, am just trying to get this all out, so I can start off with a clean slate... and I have to start coming to the boards more often again, I think that is where I went wrong, by leaving in the first place. Signed Confessions of the Heart.... Val

((((Val)))) I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't. My mother in law also has fibro, lupus and rhuematoid arthritis and I see what she goes through, so I really feel for you. She also has the problem with the weight gain, but has had some success getting about 1/2 of it off and she didn't have surgery. You have hope. I know you feel like crap, but do what you can. I am sorry to hear about your husband and will say a prayer. Welcome back, we hope to see more of you. Hugs, Bridget

Bridget, Thank You, but today is the end to my pity party, have been lurking and is time to get back in the swing of things. Spring is just around the corner, and what a nicer way to spend it then exploring Maine.... might not be able to explore like I used to, but dammit am going to give it a good try.... How are you doing? Hope all is well.. Hugsssssssss

welcome back sybil.. hey i still get your e mails and you get mines so i didnt loose you hope everything turns out well wishing you happiness and health for you and your family and look at the weight gain like this 24 pounds you are still in a better place than you were before hugs joann: tossing you a pack of marlboros and new bic lighter hugs

((((((((((((((((((SIB))))))))))))))) Thank You at 50.00 a carton up here, am going to need you to toss me quite a few.... lol.... Thank You for all your emails, you kept me smiling and laughing so hard at times, and besides where else would I find out what to do at Walmarts when Mike is missing? Thank You for being in my life, Love you...... Me.. Keeping the this time, until I get to NH then will send you back some.........

How nice to see you again Val! Sorry that your husband is still suffering from the effects of that terrible day. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in the weight gain. I have lurked daily here on the boards. I have still gained. It sounds like you have a lot of things going on in your life and it is understandable how you would not focus on yourself while dealing with everything else. The inability to do things because of the pain does not help. I too have arthritis and it hurts! You have done wonderfully and been supportive of everyone here. Welcome back! Maybe we can support one another. I have lost my support group here locally and need to get back on track. Deb Ski

((((((((((((((Deb)))))))))) We can all do this together.... time to get back on fitday, and protein drinks, the only good thing about this is I never gave up on the vities, so am happy about that part, and all my labs for this came back good 2 weeks ago. Now If we can get the scales to budge......

Val--Good to see you. Glad you've stopped lurking and got off the pity pot. It's a lifetime of focus and determination--we are all in this together.

((((((((((((((((((((Linda)))))))))))))))))))) Is good to see you too, and I needed a kick in the behind thank you!!!

Val--Didn't really mean it as a kick in the behind--but if you needed one go ahead and take it that way. I just meant that most of us are gonna struggle sometimes and it is gonna take work. We all come from very different lives, but we all share the struggle. I really hope things get better for you. It is funny I went to the Richmond thing and we were talking about you--wondering how you were doing. How are you enjoying that Maine winter?