Struggles

Hi Vanessa, Thanks for the response....of course I thought of the Eiffel Tower, lol, and I got the point. Take care, Melissa

Melissa, You are SO not alone! I am over 16 mo. post-op and feel like I could have written your post. I was so incredibly grateful, after a long struggle w/ insurance, to get my surgery--and a new chance at life at age 54. I was blessed with a "textbook" recovery, and I tried to do my very best to eat according to my program and to exercise consistently. I was rewarded w/ a good weight loss and so many "wow moments" that I couldnt list them! I NEVER took anything for granted, nor did I ever feel superior to those on the main board who were doing lots of things "wrong" or making unwise choices--but I just chose not to push my luck by eating in a way that would get me in trouble. I went from 295 lbs., size 24-mostly 26, 3-4X to a size 8-10 & med or lg top--and I can't measure how my life has changed in every way. My husband and 3 grown kids have been my biggest cheerleaders, and my friends, co-workers, and extended family have been incredibly supportive. I can play with my 2 little grandsons and have the hope of seeing them grow up too! I credit God with every blessing that this surgery has brought me! I can't put my finger on a particular time or cir****tance, but starting a few mo. ago, I just found myself eating/grazing more, and then a little more, and . . . well, you get the picture. My choices have still been contained to relatively healthy foods--i.e., no cookies, cake, or other typical junk choices--BUT I am falling into compulsive, mindless eating frenzies nevertheless, and it depresses and scares me. SO FAR I have been able to "get a grip" within 2-3 lbs. and take it back off by gritting my teeth and really "dieting" for several days, but then I start a cycle again. Like for instance, I might go totally berserk on something like sugar-free fudgsicles or dreamsicles--like eat 10+ in an evening. Now, just 1 or 2 wouldn't be bad and would be an appropriate sweet snack; however 10 of them aren't!! Or peanut butter--I have some bad times w/ that. Or even something really healthy like apples--I might eat several in an evening, maybe smeared w/ p.b.--or cut up & rolled in a mixture of protein powder/Splenda. Again, a good choice if I just have ONE; not good when I have two along with other snacks too. I almost can't have Power Crunch bars in the house; I can eat 2 or 3, no problem. I love those soy crisps, particularly the apple cinnamon flavor, but I have a hard time limiting myself on those too. So you see what I mean--nothing really rot-gut BAD, but I'm struggling with AMOUNTS and eating them when not hungry. The only thing that helps me is that I do exercise 50-60 min. nearly every day either at the gym (aerobics & weight training) or by walking. If it weren't for that, I'd be gaining. Why, when I've done so well, feel so good about my success, have such a different life now, and am enjoying the support of everyone, why I'm struggling so much--I just don't know. It's hard to think of ALWAYS struggling like this. I read about other "grads" who have been post-op much longer than I who maintain well and seem at peace with their food, and I envy this! I know this has been long, but I so identified with what you wrote, and I want you to know I totally understand and have the same struggles. I'll think of you--and others who have posted--and know that I'm not alone either! My best, Jo 295/152 (more or less at goal--would kinda like to get under 150!) -143 lbs.

Hi JO, I am sorry you too are having this same issue. I understood exactly what you meant when you said, It's hard to think of ALWAYS struggling like this. I read about other "grads" who have been post-op much longer than I who maintain well and seem at peace with their food, and I envy this! Although I knew this was just a tool I guess I did not realize the issues that would come up for me, I guess its like everything in life, anything worth having is going to take work. I looked at the book tek recommended on the internet and it seems like a good book I am going to pick up a copy. Take care and I too will keep you in my thoughts, Melissa

Hi Melissa, I'm new to this board but not the struggles that you describe. I'm almost 4 years post RNY and the first three went by smoothly. This last year has been a struggle with old demons. I'm not hungry, but I want to eat. I don't think I will ever truly be free of the habits that got me to a morbidly obese state to begin with, but it seems a matter of which habits are dominate. In the last few months, I've had a terrible time with food and general anxiety issues. We had a rough few months right after the hurricane here in MS and I just lost control of everything...including my eating. I'm just now feeling the effects and am trying to regain control. Just as you described, the food calls to me as comfort (only to rip my heart out when the scale goes up). I don't have an answer to the situation but when I find it I'll speak up! I hope you do the same. Thank you for talking about the tough times. Elesha

Hi Elesha, I am sorry you had to go through that horrible hurricane. Thank you so much for sharing with me...congratulations on doing so well for so long. Hope things get better soon! Melissa

well gee, you got such good responses I have nothing more to add. Just that I'm here and hearing you and listening. Hoping you find that one THING that will help you to help YOU to stop destructive behaviour. (((HUGS)))

Hi Tooter, Thanks for the support!! Take care, Melissa

I was just thinking on my way to work tonight about how I am actually "jealous" of those who CAN'T get enough calories in... WTF?! I in no way mean to take away from the problems others have, and do not mean to be ungrateful for my "smooth sailing" but if I had a hard time eatting then maybe I wouldn't eat so much. I know it's a tool, I know we have to work it and help it. I know that just because I do not feel "full" that I should stop, and that if I am not truely hungry I should not eat. Knowing and doing...grrr I could have written your post. I could have written Just Jo's post...esp the freaking peanut butter part!!! And the power crunch bars, so light and yummy yes I could eat 2-3, I know not to buy a box, but in the vit shope I usually leave with 2 and eat them in one sitting. The taste makes me want more, and they do not make me feel full. If you could follow me and be in my head while I grocery shop you would offer me a straight jacket. I pick up things I know are bad, I read the label on all the different brands, finally decide on one, and if I win the battle will drop it off 3 aisle down, if I lose the battle it gets open in the car before I even pull out of the parking lot. The ongoing battle in my head is - ok if I eat this kashi bar or atkins peanut roll (cause my battles are with semi ok foods, but things I could do with out), then I will only eat one, and then I will go home and get my stuff ready for work and then go to bed and not eat anything else. Into the second dose of the snack I say ok definitely no other foods before bed. While I am fixing my lunch bag, nibble nibble. When I wake to go potty the eat me trolls call me the fridge. I won the sleep eatting battle two nights in a row, then yesterday I went down ate 5 strawberries, 2 ozs of cheese, and 4 splenda midget pickles. 200 calories of good food is still grazing, and no will power sucks. My drinks by the bed, my I will not go downstairs I will not go downstairs chant while I tinkle....turns into its ok I'll add it to yesterdays calorie count that way its behind me...ugh. I am single and live alone. I can not imagine what I would do if I lived with other people, kids, etc that ate regular foods and had normal snacks in the house. I wonder daily if I will be single for life to avoid that cookies in the kitchen scenario. I do not even buy the individual 100 calorie cookies or sf candies, cause I have no moderation will power. At my part time job there are always sweets, and the past 2 rotations I have eatten them, scarfing a few bites each time I got a chance to go to the break room, like the grab a few cookies thing. All the time telling myself not to do it, you dont need it, bad bad, lick chomp swallow, bad girl oh but it was good, I'm going to hell, and I am back in an hour or so to see if there is any left....sigh. So far I have not said anything to help you, but know that you are not alone, and I thank you for stepping up, and everyone else *****sponded. I have been on the boards alot the past few weeks, looking for help, see what others eat, trying to find a plan that works for me, and I very much appreciate Toots keeping it honest. I never had the nerve to post to Dollys main board post cause I do not eat like a bird, and a protein shake would not make a meal for me, its liquid and it does not fill me. I just recently started with the powders, but seems they just add more calories and since they taste good I want them more....addictive obssessive yes. I can say that fruit for me is a good answer. Get rid of the cookies, send them to work with hubby, garbage disposal them, or fine eat them but be done with them. New day new start. I find strawberries and blackberries are just as satisfying to grab a few each time I go in the kitchen, and 1/2 cup rasp 45 cal, 5oz straw 50 cal...dipped in splenda, or soaked over night in splenda, berries are low carb compared to ther fruits. Cottage cheese and ricotta cheese mix with just about everything, add sf jello mix and splenda, or sf jam, or splenda and fruit. Premix several cups, zipoc 1 cup containers, that way you grab those as apposed to the cookies. Do you count calories? Seeing it in writing does wonders. But then sometimes its just number especially after you already ate it and cant make the number smaller. But it gives you a number to be under for the next day LOL I can then say I did better than yesterday! I spend way too much time thinking about what I am going to eat, when I can eat again, and how many calories it contains, am I normal, will it ever go away...prolly not. I agree I want food out of my head too!! I really respect those older grads who can say "no I'm not full, but I ate my portion and I am done" or that they "do not feel hungry and do not eat". Oh to be one of those posters on the main board that said "It was a bad day, I just wasnt hungry"...or even to say I need to stay awake to get more calories in....I go to bed to run from the calories! Sorry I couldnt help, I'm scared too. This is our life, this is our battle, keep posting, if nothing else know you arent alone, huggs. Michelle oh gawd did I write all that?!

Hi Michelle, Thanks for such a candid reply. I am relate to so much of what you wrote. I kept on wishing I would be one of those post ops who to work to keep the wait on...I used to read about this one woman who had to eat M and M's everyday to up her calories so she woud not loose. And in my head I know that those post- ops have thier own problems to deal with and may even have problems with good nutrition but the MO person in me only thinks..hey they can eat what ever they want, I want to be one of them, lol.. Anyway hang in there and keep coming here for support Melissa

I am seeing this alot - people who are "graduates" and struggling, so it's nothing new. It's so not new that I see a pattern is emerging. I have struggled since last summer, when previous to that I had not struggled. Something just happened, I began having an appetite once again, and the cravings came back big time. I struggled, every week saying "this week will be different", which it never was. So here I am, 20 lbs heavier than my goal weight, unable to wear the wonderful, coveted size 8's I could wear last summer. Argghhhh!!! So here we are at New Years resolution time, and I've said it once again, but this time I think it's starting to take hold. One week does not make a firmly entrenched habit, but I'm going to share it anyway. In my New Years resolution, I resolved to plan every meal and every snack, and they have to be healthy, nutritious, tasty, protein-laden meals/snacks, and they have to be filling. I have to be prepared with something healthy for any time I needed/wanted something to eat. For a week this has worked. For instance, right now I'm having egg muffins that I made on Sunday (eggs, chopped ham, cheese, a spash of milk and some salt & pepper, baked in a muffin tin at 375 for 25-30 min.). When I next feel hunger or just craving, I will have some cottage cheese and cantelope. My lunch will be healthy leftovers. Afternoon snack will be yogurt w/some seeds/nuts mixed in. Then dinner will be protein, healthy, whole-grain carb and some veggies or salad. This is essentially what I have done for the past week. I'm not sure if I have lost any weight, but it has successfully curbed my cravings for the bad carbs and sweets. Realizing that the same thing might or might not work for others, I thought I would share my plan. It's the only thing that has worked so I'm sticking with it. I think there needs to be more studies done on our post-op population in regards to this issue, especially since it seems so prevalent. I know in my case it was this same "struggle", to which the original thread refers, and which I consistently lost, which caused me to become MO. But this type of discussion defintely helps us all to deal with it. We need to give ourselves big hugs for how far we've come, and try not to dwell on how far we have to go, as we will always have far to go. Most likely there will always be some struggle, a lingering addiction, if you will, or some may call it deamons, to deal with. We just need to find what works for each of us and work it. For now, I will keep working this plan. Hugs, Betsy