Struggles

I was hesistant to post this because posting it means I am putting it out there for everyone to see and know about me and that is kind of scary for me. I had my surgery almost 13mos ago, I am 5'6 and started out at 262lbs. I did so good at first and for a long time, probably right up to about 1 year anniversay. Since then things seem to be going downhill for me. I have never really exercised much, I have found every possible excuse in the book not to exercise but the bottom line is I just hate it and can not find the will to make myself get out there and just do it. I am starting curves again today, I kept telling myself curves was not enough, that I needed to do some kind of weights and aerobics, but at this rate something is better than nothing, if I can stick to curves for at least 6mos consistently then I will consider adding something. The big issue for me is food. I never really thought I was addicted to food but am beginning to re-think that. I have come to realize that I can eat everything and I am back to wanting to eat junk food, not like hamburges and fries more like chips and cookies, well actually exactly chips and cookies, lol. The more I tell myself I am not going to eat these things the more my mind in focused on them. Yesterday I must have ate at least 15 cookies over the course of the day just walking in and out of the kitchen and grabbing a couple. Today at work I do not have any cookies around but they are still consuming my thoughts. I am trying the AA approach, one day at a time, and am telling myself just for today I am not going to eat any cookies or chips and so far it has worked. But I feel like crying, and I feel so ashamed of myself, I feel like there is something wrong with me, I love the way I feel and the way I look why on earth would I sabotage it all for cookies and chips, which will eventually turn in a whole bunch of other things that are bad choices. I tried to discuss this with my husband last night (he is thin and eats everything and anything without gaining an oz) and he said I should just get some sleep and not worry about it...I wanted to strangle him! I have gained 2.5lbs over the past week and am feeling really guilty. Today I have done good but it is such a struggle, I want food out of my head! Anyway I wanted to get this off my chest and out in open, I am scared and feeling unsure of myself. Thanks for reading I know it was long, Melissa

I recomend: "White Bears and Other Unwanted Thoughts: Suppression, Obesession, and the Psychology of Mental Control" by Daniel M. Wegner (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0898622239/qid=1136840786/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-1391328-0199100?n=507846&s=books&v=glance) The thrust of this book is that you can't NOT think of something, along with some other powerful insights, all based on presented studies. Tek

Thanks Tek...I will run by barnes and noble and see if they have a copy of that, if not I will order it. take care, Melissa

The last issue of Psychology Today presented an article about "worriers" with information I think is pertinent to this issue as well. They talk about allowing yourself to think "what if" instead of trying to ban the thoughts from your mind, which often allows them to become even more powerful. I'm going to check out this book, sounds like a good one. Michele

Hi Melissa, I know exactly what you are going through and I am only 6 months out. It all started over the holidays and I have been trying hard too. I'm going to tell you what I am doing and it's been working pretty well, it might not be the right way but it's working for me. First of all I made sure I finished the cookies I was craving in the house (not all in one day but I did finish them in a couple of days) to get it out of my system and I have not brought them into the house again. Then I started drinking my protein shakes, I had stopped because they were starting to make me gag but I started making them with water instead of milk and they seem to be lighter and not so thick and I can stand them now. I drink 4 oz. in the morning and 4 oz. in the afternoon this makes 54 gms. for my protein intake in just these two drinks. Okay this is where I know it might not be right but it works for me. I was making a lot of pumpkin chocolate chip cookies while I was on vacation. Even though I made them with Splenda I know they were still fattening. Well with the chocolate chips I had left over I would eat a handful (like 20 chips) when I was craving something sweet, like twice a day. Well it says the 48 chips has 8 gms. of sugar and 70 calories. It might not be healthy but it sure satisfies my craving. I also started planning out my meals. Like I decided for breakfast I would drink my 4 oz. of protein shake and a yogurt, snack was a string cheese my lunch was left overs from the night before but I make sure it is good for me snack I will eat two sheets of honey graham crackers and on the way home I drink another shake then in the evening I eat my dinner. All day I drink a lot of Crystal Lite Peach Tea because for some reason I can't stand plain water anymore, I use to but not anymore. If I am still hungry at night even though I know it is just head hunger I eat a bowl of mini wheats or some more graham crackers. I also had not exercised but now before I go to bed I do 50 crunches and I have some small 3 lb. weights in my room and I started doing some small arm exercises. I also have a stationary bike and right now I can only do 5 minutes but like you said "something is better than nothing". Maybe if you start a journal and write down everything you are eating. Sometimes it seems like a lot but it really isn't. This is so hard and we just need to keep working at it and lean on each other because our husbands don't know what we are going through, I know what you mean about talking to your husband about it. They think we are going crazy thinking about what we eat but they don't understand that it's been a long journey and we can't turn back. I know my husband would still accept me as I was before but I would not accept myself.

Hi Terry, Thanks for the reply...are you going to the support group meeting this mo, if so I will see you there. Anyway I am not sure the chocolate chips would work for me becuase I become obessive about it and may not stop at two handfuls. I too no longer like water, I do drink alot of crystal lite all day about 90 ozs a day and then I also have decaf coffee so I get my fluids except on the weekends I do bad with the drinking. I am going to start curves on edgemere and saul klienfield if you are interested in joining me let me know. Take care and hopefully I will see you at the meeting. Melissa

I haven't received my flyer yet, what date is the meeting? I was in Curves before the surgery and it got boring for me because you just go in circles and do the same thing. At first it was fun and I lost 10 lbs. in one month but I just got out of routine and I got bored. Let me know about the meeting date. Thanks.

it is on the 26th at 6:00pm...i did not get a flyer yet either but i called. see you there

I'll see you there too, in case there's a change of plans I'll let you know. Keep your head up about what you are eating, I'm sure it will pass, you just need to be strong. I know it's hard but we need to do this for ourselves. You might also be stressing over something or maybe problems at home. When me and my husband fight I know all I want to do is eat.

Let's face it! We're perfect and then life gets in the way!! I'm not sure what Tek was trying to say there...that's normal. Ha! But, I do agree with the certainty that if I tell you, "Do NOT think about the Eiffel Tower!!," what are you thinking about now? So, if all day long I say, "I will NOT eat chocolate chip cookies." What am I thinking about all day long? What I affectionately call, CCCs! After my last babies, I lived off of them for 3 months. And I don't like GOOD CCCs. I like those silly Chips Ahoy! What's up with that? So, what am I trying to say? Don't think about CCCs! Don't even tell yourself you won't because then you will! If the thought comes across your mind - divert it and move on quickly. Be prepared. Perhaps you can recall all the wonderous things that have happened to you in the last year. A list of WOW moments? Of course, thinking about something else secondarily to not thinking about the CCCs could, in fact, bring you full circle to thinking about the CCCs! Hey, whatever works. I think it's great you put this out here. Admission is a wondorous thing. The truth will set you free! Thank you for being courageous! Hugs, ~Vanessa~