I Can't Buy A Smaller Size

Yup, I know this is stoooooopid, but I can't do it. I weigh 158 these days and have been doing the same exercise and eating and all of a sudden, everyone started asking if I lost more weight. Nope...maybe two pounds...on a good day. Then my I noticed my pants are dragging on the floor and there is too much room throughout. I should be ecstatic but the idea of buying a size 10 pants is scaring me. That's the right emotion - fear. I don't get it. I would have thought I would be jumping up and down but I think that I am terrified that if I buy a size 10, I will gain all my weight back. I don't think that there is an ounce of logic here, just some emotional flood gate. Size 16 made me ecstatic, 14 was a party extraordinaire, 12 made me giddy and 10 makes me... I have been thinking about this for days and decided to ask if anyone else has felt this "fear" (for lack of a better description) at some specific point. Size 10 just makes me think that I'll wake up tomorrow fat again. Any thoughts? Feedback? Do I need therapy? No joke...if this is just one of those WLS things, I'll muddle through but I have never been such a psycho about something this seemingly straightforward before. Thanks, Judi 265/158

I started at 26/28 and have recently reached the 16/18 size. Many are just 16. I fear never going below 16. Once I would have been thrilled just to reach 16 but now I am not satisfied. Buying clothes freaks me out because I still start out looking for 24s (I refused to accept the 26/28). I have a horrible time looking to clothes in my size and I should be enjoying it. I can understand your fear even though it is not rational. I think in the back of our minds we all fear regaining the weight and have "something" that will trigger that fear. For you it is a size 10. Maybe you could take a friend and just go to a store to try on the clothes, without making a committment to buy anything. Sort of ease into it through the back door. You might surprise yourself once you found something really cute. Good luck.

Thanks Jane. It's good to know that I'm not the only one with a "trigger." I used to start at the big sizes too. Now, though, I always start with 16s. I suppose some might consider that big but for me, it's keeping it real. I like your idea of taking a friend. I always shop alone because back in the bad old days I never wanted anyone to know that I wore a 3X...so I just went alone. Maybe I need to try something new. Thanks again! Judi

This isn't a dream, Judi! You aren't going to wake up and look into the mirror at the old you. You are 158 pounds. You have worked hard to get where you are. I know this time since your surgery hasn't been a picnic. There have been highs and lows along the way. Be happy for who you are. You are a combination of your body and your personality, your actions, your dreams, your fears, everything that makes you you. You are right to say that you could gain all your weight back. I've heard of quite a few people who have done that, and quite frankly, I have to stop sabbotaging myself. BUT, buying a size 10 won't do it to you any more than a 12 or an 8. Enjoy it. Realize what it took for you to get where you are today. Take good care of yourself. Love yourself. Love your new body; it's a big part of you. Good thoughts, Good foods, Good life. It's not going to be snatched away from you. It's yours, but like anything else worth keeping, you have to take care of it. Take a look at yourself. Give yourself a smile. Girl, you've come a long way. Dixie

Dixie, Thanks for the support. I appreciate your positive attitude and advice. I know you're right but as we all say, if they could just operate on the brain while they're fixing the stomach. I really have to keep those positive thoughts. Thanks for sharing! Judi

every time I buy a size 8 petite outfit I am afaid I won't get much use out of it because I maight gain weight. Took a lot to get myself to buy anything really fitted for that reason also. And the years of wearing loose (baggy) clothes in hope of looking "thinner" at 260/ Try to enjoy it and celebrate your success!

Willow, Glad to know it's not just me with the "baggy" thing. I guess I was always prepared for gaining a few pounds. I always thought looser clothes made me look "smaller" too in my 3Xs. My "before" picture on my profile is me in a sweater and pants that were loose because I thought they made me look "smaller." Ummmm...not so much.... Thanks for your support! Judi

I am newly a size ten. I am very reluctant to buy pants that are truly tens - as in zip up no elastic waist jeans. Also fitted clothes, especially something like a blazer jacket. My comfort zone has long been stretch pants and stretchy fabric on top. I still lack the confidence to wear clothes that are taylored. I could kick myself because when X-mas shopping I bought a nightgown and running suit in XL for myself. I am a large if not a medium for sure now, but I just can't believe it. Now the nightgown neck opening goes out to the edge of my shoulders and I swim in the running suit. I'm always sure that once things shrink I won't/can't be a size ten. I maybe size ten signifies "goal". We all hear about the struggles that can come with maintaining, and that it is the point at which you hear about gaining. Keep doing what your doing. The success will sink in. Congratulations! Patty

Patty, I think you're right about the "goal" issue. In terms of weight, 160 was my goal and I am really happy there. And a size 12 was my goal...so in many ways I have exceeded my goals. Now, I have to stay there and, as you pointed out, this is where the long term challenge is. I guess I just have to do some "headwork" on myself. Thanks for your support! Judi

Remember that sizes are just another number and you're talking about feelings. I was thrilled when I got into size 6 with everything but then I noticed that sometimes even size 6 seemed big. I tried on a 4 and it fit. It took a LONG time, but (I've written this before) I decided to embrace my 4-ness and just accept it. I never wanted to be a 4 because it's hard to find that size. The funny thing is that I never did get to the weight number that was my goal. I'm 122 (give or take) and my goal was 115. If I ever actually lost to that weight, I'd probably be a size 2, which is REALLY ridiculous!!! Anyway, the other day I was trying on some clothes and you have to remember that I carry my weight in my rear and legs. Sometimes, depending on how a garment is cut, I wear a 4 or a 6. Well, some of the 6s I tried on gave me a pretty bad case of VPL (Visible Panty Line) which to me is a sign that the pants are too tight. I freaked out!!! I mean, I embraced my size 4-ness and I haven't gained, so why is my shape changing???? I figured it must be lack of exercise, so I've redoubled my efforts!! I can REALLY relate to your fear (terror if I'm honest) of regaining enough to go up even one size!!!!!!!! It's just horrible!!!! I feel like everyone in my whole life (and then some) have their eyes on me and I don't want to fail because then I'll be letting down my surgeon and all of his patients and the WLS patients of the world!!