Struggling

My husband bought me a small box of sugar free chocolates from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. Mainly because I threatened his life if I had to go through Christmas Morning without chocolate. But lets not go off on that tangent just now. I do not eat sugar. Period. I know that in certain quantities it will make me dump, cause it's happened accidently. ANYWAY.... sugar alcohols make me sick as a DOG. Does this deter me? No. WHY? Why do I do this to myself? At this very moment I am struggling not to throw up the sugar free peanut butter cup I just ate. I have cramps, my belly is blown up like a balloon, and I just know its going to take hours to feel better. How do I know? Because I did this on Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, Christmas night, early this morning, and now... What the hell is this behavior? Masochism? I sit here looking at the chocolate *gag* telling myself, maybe it won't make me sick this time, then "its just a little piece", which then progresses to... "well even if it does make me sick, it wont last long, mo more than a few hours"... At which point I give in, scarf it down... and here we are. *sigh* Michele

Maybe you've got a punishment complex lol. I don't know - I do the same thing with some things (though I don't admit that much ). Think fig newtons. Cannot have them in the house. I'd suggest the same for you and your chocolates

Thank you for admitting to it too. Misery loves company eh? I finally threw up, bleh. Then came out here and handed the rest of the box to my husband. Ain't humans the craziest things? I don't eat salmon anymore. Why? Because it makes me sick.... but yet I can do THIS to myself (repeatedly) over some chocolates. CRAZY MAN CRAZY! *hugs* -me

Hey Michele. I am usually a lurker here, I don't post much. But I had to reply to your "agony" post. I don't eat sugar. I haven't had real sugar since before my surgery almost two years ago. But I understand the chocolate thing. I love chocolates and I wish the SF candy affected me the way they do you. I am able to eat the SF chocolates with the only side effect of gas from the sugar alcohols. I don't eat them everyday and I have to monitor myself so as not to indulge in more than 1 at a time. sigh..... There aren't many things I miss real bad since surgery but I do miss the fabulous home made candy made here in my hometown. So don't berate yourself too much.....there is something so seductive about chocolate that we'll eat it no matter what it does to us... Here's wishing you a Happy and Blessed New Year! Andi B. 315/177/goal this month----->170

BTW, Michele.... you live in one of my favorite cities! I have a brother in Scotsdale and I just love visiting him and seeing how the city changes every time I go. Was just out there last March!! Beautiful! If I could afford it I'd move there but hubby wants to relocate to North Carolina in a few years....I'd like to live in AZ because I could ride my Harley every day of the year because of the beautiful weather...sigh...lucky you! Andi B.

Thanks for your reply Andi. We actually live fairly close to Scottsdale, which is a very nice part of Arizona for sure. I am trying to learn to love it here, I miss the East Coast very much! Michele

I always thought the punishment of the tool would keep me in line, yet I found this past few weeks as I finally tried real sugar, than I do not dump...sigh. I know the tool is a good thing, but fear of consequences(sp) was a good detourant for the past year. I admit to being one of those people that has serious moderation issues. I can not buy SF candies and treats and keep them in the house, because I will eat the entire package...with in a few hours, if not in one sitting. Yes my tummy will hurt, but I will wait 10-15 mins and go eat a few more pieces/bites because I WANT it. I can have the internal debate, I can even put it in the garbage. YES I admit to pulling it back out of the garbage and eatting more! My garbage disposal is my best friend, WHEN I work up the courage to finally get rid of something I bought and should not have. I find I have wasted a good bit of money over the last year in my battles for self control and moderation. Am I the only one who goes the the grocery store reads the label on all 20 brands of peanut butter, finally picks one (anyway you look they are all 180-200 cal, 15-17g fat per 2 TBSP serv) and carries it around the store talking to my freaking alter ego on how not to buy it? I only lost the battle once, more often than not the PB ended up in the magazine rack at the end of the isle as I am checking out. One time it ended up in the trash can in my neighborhood, money well spent if my will power finally wins LOL. It's that damned WANT/MUST HAVE in my brain and my taste buds and to hell with the icky tummy, threat of weight gain, and guilt later. We are human, with all our quirks, and I think when we feel like we are deprived of something we get rebellious. Hang in there, know that everyone has the internal and external debates, and somedays some are losing battles. Tommorrows a new day. And introduce yourself to mister garbage disposal...he's a little slow on the uptake, the trick is turn on the water, hold your breath and dump entire contents of evil food product into sink, FAST. Ever seen a grown adult shove a entire package of soggy bagels down a garbage disposal to fight a carb craving?! UGH! Hang in there from one Michelle to another

Michelle, your post really struck a note with me. Both my husband and I have had RNY and he is the one who is really struggling. He has no will power and cannot do moderation---doesn't even know the meaning. And even worse, he is a "secret" eater, sneaks food when no one is watching and eats late at night or during the day at work and in the car etc etc etc and then if I ask him what he's eaten so I have an idea what to make for dinner, well he never tells me the whole truth. He is out-eating his surgery. And the weird thing is, his surgery still works like a charm---in controlling portions. He still cannot eat a great quantity, but he makes up for it by grazing and eating junk foods and sweets and dumping---but he doesn't care. He will dump and then go on to eat more. He is in need of serious counseling, but of course, won't go there. I don't keep the junk food in the house---this is all stuff he does on his own and I don't know how to help him anymore. He has gained at least 25 pounds since his TT a year ago and there is no stopping his upward climb unless he makes some serious changes. I keep telling myself that I will no****ch him go back up to over 400 pounds or keep silent. But everytime I say anything about gaining or exercising or that his clothes are all getting too small, well he gets so mad at me. I just don't know what to do anymore, and I guess that's the nature of the beast---it's not up to me to "do" anything, it's totally up to him. I have my own issues, but I can handle them and don't "hide" them. I 'm in no way perfect, but I am at such a loss with how to help him. I just wish all the pre-ops and new post-ops would learn that the surgery is not magic---that new eating habits must be made and that therapy may be necessary to control the issues that are behind some of our poor food choices. I really commend you for your post and how you are handling your struggle. there are lots of us who can relate and lots of happy garbage disposals!

I can relate to the secret eater concept as well, even with low carb, SF, low sugar etc it's still a hard habit to break. I do hold my self accountable for everything I put in my mouth. I have a notebook on my kitchen counter, daily I track fluid intake, protein intake, calorie intake (some days the numbers are just ugly) and exercise. I refuse to lie even to myself, its in black and white, been doing this from day 1 and I go to the gym 5 days a week. I'm scared, I hope I always stay scared. Something in me tells me that the day I stop keeping track and worrying, is the day I will go down hill and spontaneously combust into my former MO self. No it's not magic, I agree. It's a learning process and will be a continuos struggle for most of us. I learn something new each time I come to OH, whether it's from a post old-op and new-op or a profile. Mostly I learned that I have to find my own way. You couldn't tell me when I was MO how to lose weight, I didnt want to hear it, and months ago I stopped asking my best friend to come work out with me, she doesnt want to hear it or do it. I wish I had a suggestion for you, but in the end he has to see for himself. For me the big visual/physical wake up call would be the tight clothes, but if thats not enough for him, journaling to see the black and white prolly won't be either. I could definitley use counseling, my current excuse is no time, my normal excuse it "how can some skinny chick help me feel better about being fat and likeing food?". I see the stupidity in that question, but it's yet another one of my "issues". All you can do is love him and take care of yourself, the rest is out of your control. His anger is not at you, its at himself, so do not take it personally, he knows you mean well even if he doesn't say it out loud. Michelle 324/155/153 even with issues!!

Michelle, I applaud you. You really do have a handle on things and are in control---you know what you need to do and you are doing it. Bravo. I'm also still not at goal and must commit to exercise and better eating as well. Here's to a better 2006.