Honesty?

"Losing weight "the old fashioned way" requires tremendous willpower, character, dedication, and inner strength. This lie leads people to believe you have these attributes." ^ This was intended to be "In Relation to Weight and Weight Loss". I didn't have these in relation to Weight and Weight Loss, but I do have them in other areas of my life. "privacy is not dishonesty. would you tell casual aquaintences you had an abortion? colostomy, a hysterectomy, vasectomy, fungal infection? Bless you and your right to do so, but respect for others wish for privacy is another story." I agree 100%. Privacy is not dishonesty. Not Telling is not dishonest. It is the tell of half-truths to decieve that is being spoken of. No one is harmed by silence (in this case), it is the half-truths that are harmful. There are MANY people I did not tell of surgery (pre-op). Didn't feel the need. I didn't decieve, I simply didn't talk. Again, I'm not saying we need to open our lives. I am saying we shouldn't decieve. I guess this distinction is hard for some to see. I applaud those that open their life-books, I couldn't do it. Those that choose silence are likewise stonger than I can be (in a different way). Tek

I chose to keep my surgery private and used the "exercise more and eating less" answer all the time. I also had virtual strangers coming up to me exclaiming "wow, how much have you lost?" and I wanted so badly to say "tell me your salary and I'll answer your question!" Not my business how much you make and it's none of your business how I lost weight and how much I've lost! I was a "lightweight" and had people immediately try to run down the surgery and try to dissuade me from pursuing WLS. I now tell anyone or everyone about it because I've outed myself. I speak for my surgeon (spokes model - not really!!) and I visit his patients in the hospital post-op and this is a decision I've made for myself. And now that I've lost 120 lbs. (give or take) it's simply too much to deny. I can't reasonably say I lost it without a little extra help! I feel like I lied, but I also feel that in order to keep my health affairs private, I had no choice. Jan

Don't take these as flames, they are serious questions: I see on your profile "Christianity" is an interest. How do you reconcile this with your faith? Isn't lying bad? Aren't you concerned about harming someone by your lie? (as in my original examples)? Why lie, why not simply say"I'd prefer not to talk about it"? This would maintain your integrity and privacy. Tek

Those are reasonable questions and I'll try to answer. Pardon any cliches I might use! The first is "I'm not perfect, just forgiven." I don't think that this gives me the right to do as I please and then just pray for forgiveness, but I do try to follow my faith at all times. Sometimes I fall short. I don't know how Jesus would have done it had He decided not to discuss his WLS. And yes, lying is bad and I was bad. I really believe that I did my best to not discuss my business and NOT offend the person asking me about my loss. Sometimes I was put in a position where the only reasonable answer FOR ME was to say "diet and exercise". Saying "I don't want to discuss it" would have really raised some eyebrows. I have friends that I work with and this answer would have been VERY rude because of our relationship, however, I chose to keep this part of my life quiet. Unfortunately, it's impossible to hide a fast shrinking body. I will also confess that now that I've "come out" about my WLS, I feel MUCH better about being totally open and honest with everyone and I've apologized for not being totally honest and asked them all for forgiveness. To a person, everyone has understood that I chose to keep my business to myself and was totally understanding and gracious. The worst thing that happened one time was when a nurse at one of the hospitals where I was working flat out asked me "have you had WLS?" and what could I say to that? Luckily, another friend was right there who piped up with "she didn't have THAT much to lose" (and let's face it, she didn't know, she was just assuming) and I kept my mouth firmly shut and never answered the question. Since that time, I've told her that I did indeed have WLS and asked for forgiveness. If I had it to do all over again, I'm not sure how I would handle it. Hindsight is 20/20 and I hate that I lied, but I didn't want to talk about my WLS and didn't think that "I don't want to discuss it" would have been a reasonable answer in many cases. This was a good thread you started and very thought provoking. I would have preferred to come out looking better, though, instead of having feet of clay!! Jan

Jan, thank you for being forthcoming, and attacking the questions as questions rather than insults. Tek

Tek, it's only because your questions SOUNDED like questions! Now, if you had said "What about being a Christian, you hypocritical, sanctimonious, self-righteous little liar..." I might have answered differently. Jan

So it sounds to me like you don't tell people that you lost weight via "diet and exercise", that you either told them about WLS, or you told them nothing. My tonsils grew back after a tonsilectomy when I was 4-5. I don't mind people knowing this. I had a series of surgeries when I was 9-12 that My parents know about, my wife knows about, and thats it. I don't think any of my current Doctors even know about them. Its gonna stay that way. I'm an open book, with certain abridgements Tek

Hmm-I guess you can definitely put me into the "dishonest" category. It was not my intention to lie to people but rather I felt it was a personal decision on a private matter. There were really two separate reasons: #1 Everybody seems to have an opinion on the surgery. I researched thoroughly and was confident in my decision. The people who mattered knew that and respected by choice and supported me. I didn't want to deal with everyone's opinions or everybody watching and waiting for me to fail. It was such a major decision and such a stressful time I just didn't want to deal with anybody else's thoughts and opinions. #2 It is just not my nature to share personal things--especially something as sensitive as my weight with the world. I struggled so often with diets-people watching me lose massive amounts and then regain- it was embarrassing. I just did not want my weight to be the topic of conversation for the world. We see this all the time --especially regarding celebrities. Has my opinion changed--not much. There are several people who have weight problems themselves or have family members who have weight problems who I have shared with. I do worry about projecting the wrong image--and perpetuating the myth that "good old fashioned diet and exercise" is all that is needed. I run into very few people who knew me when I was MO (they do know I have lost weight though)--but whenever the dieting subject comes up I always explain that for some people it is just different and harder than for others. Regarding the teacher--to be honest--it is not something I would discuss with my class at all. It is not like I ever sat down and discussed my weight with co-workers or anyone else for that matter. There are times now that I wish I had shared with my extended family but I sort of feel it is too late now. Thanks for making me think.

Again, Silence, not sharing, is not dishonest, nor do I believe anyone is saying this. Telling half-truths, IMHO, is dishonest, which is the crux of the issue I intended to be discussed. Tek