Honesty?

Darlene, this is for you (Debate, not directed AT you)... There are those that, when confronted with "Wow, you are losing weight fast! How are you doing it?" respond, or plan to respond with... "I'm eating less and exercising more." As unpopular as it is, lets start with the Definition of "Honest": hon·est ( P ) Pronunciation Key (nst) adj. 1. Marked by or displaying integrity; upright: an honest lawyer. 2. Not deceptive or fraudulent; genuine: honest weight. 3. Equitable; fair: honest wages for an honest day's work. 4a. Characterized by truth; not false: honest reporting. 4b. Sincere; frank: an honest critique. 5a. Of good repute; respectable. 5b. Without affectation; plain: honest folk. 6. Virtuous; chaste. While factually correct, "I am doing it with diet and exercise" is incomplete, intended to cause people to draw a false conclusion (ie, deceptive). Rationalizations: "My medical history is my business, no one needs to know." Fine, then don't tell them ANYTHING. "Its personal and I'd prefer not to discuss it" is perfectly reasonable. "I want to avoid negativity, too many people are against WLS." Again, saying "Its private" is acceptable. "Some people don't accept 'Its private' and pu****s the only way I can get them out of my business." This opens another can of worms, but I don't believe it changes the discussion. Its wrong for people to push this way, but is it acceptable to wrong them back? Why this Dishonesty: "I am doing it with diet and exercise" leads people to a specific false conclusion, one that (perhaps arguably) makes one appear more virtuous than otherwise. Losing weight "the old fashioned way" requires tremendous willpower, character, dedication, and inner strength. This lie leads people to believe you have these attributes. Is it a Harmless Lie? Who is hurt?: "If Tek can do it, I should be able to do it." "Look at Tek, he lost all that weight with ONLY diet and exercise... You have less weight to lose than him, so you can lose weight just like he did without WLS." "I wish I had the willpower you have." What have I not taken into account that makes Dishonesty OK in this case? Has your view changed from Pre-Op to Grad? What changed? Tek

Tek, Thanks for this. I have always been open and honest about my surgery. Never have felt "less than" because of it. Granted there may be some I would not care in he beginning to say I had WLS so when asked I usually say, "I'm learning to live a new way of eating with a great tool I have gotten." If this isn't enough I give them a list of surgeons in our area. I also tell them that WLS is NOT for everyone. Only the chosen that can lead a deligent life of choices are given this gift. I think we have a tendancy to hide the fact we had WLS because of the remarks we get from others. People do no understand that we have to work harder then they do now...sigh.... When hiding the fact and not telling the truth I think we hurt all. All in our WLS community suffer. We need more successful people telling their stories so our peers can see that it is OK to have surgery and it isn't easy. Probably not making much sense here... many can tell you I don't sugar coat anything. I shoot from the hip. Darlene

"I think we have a tendancy to hide the fact we had WLS because of the remarks we get from others. People do no understand that we have to work harder then they do now...sigh...." Interstingly, I think I didn't have to work harder than Non-Ops, in fact for me I never lost weight so easily. So here you and I are at different ends of the Hard/Easy scale, but I too have the tendency to hide, or rather, not advertise the fact that I had WLS. I rarely bring up the topic of weight or weight loss anymore. When it comes up I respond completely honest about my RNY. The topic really doesn't come up much anymore. You made great sense. I'm not sure I am, I accidentally took one of my wifes pills, and I am sleepy, dizzy, and fuzzy... sorta like drunk. Tek

I have always been proud of my WLS tool and have never tried to hide the fact that I had surgery from anyone mainly because my best friend had the sugery several years ago and did not tell people the truth. And I saw how that hurt those around her. There were people really beating themselves up because they could not lose the weight like her. And they really thought they were failures. Now, how fair is that? I don't want anyone believing I have attributes that I do not have so I share with them my true story, and they can agree or disagree. Life is all about people and their differing ideas and opinions. That is what makes the world an interesting rather than a boring place. I share the facts, and people can do with it what they want. This surgery saved my life, and what they think about my decision to go the surgical route does not change my outcome of success. Now that I am two years out and been in maintenance for a year, I don't like people to announce when I walk in the room that hey, she had WLS. You should have seen her before. That happens sometimes and I just handle it. But I much prefer to walk into a room or party and be noticed and spoken to just for me. Maybe as more time passes that will happen and less attention will be paid to the fact I used to be big and had WLS. This was a good topic for discussion. I can't wait to see what others have to say. Melissa Lap Rny 1/15/04 277/134

To friends of my mother, I am "My youngest son, Tek, who lost 300 pounds." This is how she introduced me, or I'd meet them and they would say "Oh, your the one that lost 300 pounds." Last year she added "and runs marathons." I asked her to not mention the weight loss, and she was dissapointed. She is more proud about me losing weight than I am. But, now I am "the one lost a lot of weight and runs marathons." Fortunately, she is in Phoenix Tek

Yes, our family members are proud of us. So, I try really hard to handle when they do things like that with a smile. I have spoken to them and asked that if in a room full of strangers if they could just let me be Melissa, the oldest child LOL. It works most of the time, but sometimes mother just can't help herself. Bless her heart. She likes to share. And my mother lives 3 miles down the road. Go figure on that one. Marathons, huh? That is great. I haven't worked up to that yet, but I do now enjoy running. It is a wonderful destresser for me. Melissa

Tek, I'm with you on this one. I always felt that when a person does the "I'm eating less and exercising more" routine, they impose a huge burden on others: "How come they can do it so easily and it is so hard for me?" By being less than forthcoming, we further reinforce the feeling of hopelessness and despair so often experience by the obese. And to answer your specific question, my position on this matter has not changed. Nowhere Man/PH/Jay

It would be interesting to hear from those on the other side of this fence, or someone that changed opinion. Tek

Drop this discussion into the middle of the Main Board and people will go bananas! But wait! The Main Board is a mushroom farm, where people prefer to feast on BS and remain in the dark! Nowhere Man/PH/Jay

It was actually a post in the Main Board that put this into my mind. The person is having surgery shortly, and is a teacher that is excited about telling her students that she is losing weight via diet and exercise. As you may have gathered, I am a black & white kind of guy. I see all that gray out there, I understand it, I know the the various shades. I live in black or white (which both tend to be very narrow). My wife lives in the gray, but near me usually. So I bounce things off her to see how extreme I am being. Her response: "She's going to lie to those kids." Playing Devils Advocate (as I often do): "But she is telling the truth, she IS eating less, and IS exercising more." Wife: "She is teaching them how to lie truthfully." There you have it. Tek