weird emotional stuff going on

**willow**
on 10/20/05 1:41 pm - Lake In The Hills, IL
someone I confided this to a few months ago sent me this message. I have been over an over it and I think she is right. I have much to learn. The reason the experience as a child is still painful is that you haven't healed it. You cannot own what someone else chose to do to you, when you were a child. Just like you cannot own any part of what this person said to you. If a man chooses (as a grown adult) to make sexual advances towards you, and is in a position of trust then you hold no responsibility for his choice. It does not matter if you go in there wearing a sexy outfit and flirt with him, which I know you didn't. Even if you did he has no right. He is in a position of trust. He is absolutely in the wrong, you are not. Life will throw the same experiences at you so as you may learn the lessons you are here to learn. This is what I truely believe. I feel in your case these experiences are to teach you yourself worth and you are in charge of your sexuality, not a man. It is up to you to be strong, believe in yourself and not allow men to take away your control of you. You had no say in what happened to you as a child, you were unfortunately placed in a position where you were not protected. I can suggest to you to take the positives from this situation, please don't be upset at my suggesting there are positives. Firstly it was an experience you were meant to have, it would have taught you to be very wary and very protective of you. It also would have taught you to understand the experience for others and to try your hardest to prevent it happening to your children. At the end of the day you could look at this experience and say, the person who did this to me made a huge mistake, that person does not understand the beautiful value of innocence and is a tortured lost soul who will pay back in the end. You are not that. Standing up, although a painful memory, when you are fully healed may make you very proud, for possibly saving some other young girl. Who ever pushed you on that path, really did you a great favour as they forced you to stand up and say, "I was abused and it is wrong." Patterns repeat themselves until we get it right, and even then we may get it again so as the universe can check we really got it.
JudithC
on 10/22/05 9:48 am - Southern, NH
I first read this post hours ago and have been alternating crying and thinking since then. I, too, am a survivor of abuse. I have coped well in all ways but one - my eating. WLS saved my life but, like you, it also forced me to consider my sexuality. I was MO by my teens (I gained 40 pounds in the 6 months after I was abused) and was always "invisible" or reviled, except to my DH, who is an angel sent by God to love me. What you are going though is my worst nightmare and I wish I could hug you. I will pray for you but I know that seeing your psych is the absolute best thing in the world to do - make that appointment on Monday. You must take care of yourself and, like the original abuse, this is not your fault nor could you ever be expected to know how to react "right." You just need to figure out how to take care of yourself in the way that is best for you. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Judi
**willow**
on 10/22/05 11:13 am - Lake In The Hills, IL
I appreciate your support more than words can say. It makes the world a hopeful place when there are people out there who are going thru their own pain, and yet they reach out a hand to comfort another.
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