weird emotional stuff going on

10/19/2005 My mind is working overtime. This is not always a good thing. I had a long coversation with the psychiatrist today. And with my husband when I got home. This is the basic summary of the two conversations combined. when women are morbidly obese the reaction of the general public, men in particular fall into 2 categories. The most common is that you are simply invisible. Not worth the notice. The second is ridicule. Very few men see beyond the fat. With weight loss, the focus of attention is very different. I have never as an adult dealt with men making passes or sexual comments to me. As a teenager I was slim and very pretty, and recieved a lot of attention that was mostly unwelcome from older men. It often made me uncomfortable and I didn't know how to handle it then either. As A child I was sexually abused by a famly member, and wound up in foster care, after having to take a lie detector test and testify in court with the abuser staring right at me at the age of 12. ( I am proud of being just a kid and having the courage to stare him down and tell the truth.) There was no abuse in foster care, but I was accused by my foster mother of attempting to seduce her old, overweight, bald and bad teeth husband, (yeah sure, I wanted to marry Donny Osmond not an old chubby guy) I slept in a dining room converted to my bedroom with a sleeper sofa because their daughter did not care to share her room. I supposedly attempted to seduce him because I went up the stairs to the bathroom wearing a night gown and no robe. To be quite honest, I had never owned a robe before that and it never even occurred to me to wear one. that was really hard on me and my confidence tho. Later I lived with my older sister and her husband who was physically very abusive. He did his best to beat the spirit out of anyone weaker than him. I had met my husband when I was 13 and he was my lifeline thru my teenage years. Thru this all I never really learned to deal appropriately with situations with men. Quite honestly I was intimidated by men who were older, in positions of power etc. Now I have this new body and I have had to deal with some situations I never had to deal with before as an adult. One man in particular has made several very blatently sexual comments to me and I am really freaked out by it. I simply do not know how to handle it. With out saying too much, this is a person who should be in a position of trust and safety. I have been dealing with this for several months and only today got my nerve up to tell my husband about it and how it makes me feel. It is bringing out a lot of mixed feelings. I am having anxiety attacks and trouble sleeping. Several times it was so bad I was shaking all over and my heart was racing. My psychiatrist (a female) feels it is a flashback to when I was a kid and in an abusive situation. My husband when I talked to him about it totally agreed. I told him in many ways it was easier being fat. I never had to think about my body, never looked at it below the shoulders. It was easier sometimes to be invisisble. Certainly didn't have to worry about being sexually harassed, and that I simply do not know how to deal with it. He is really supportive and very wonderful and by my side. I still don't know how to handle it. Dr. wants me back to discuss it more. I feel very pressured about my appearance. I want to look pretty, sexy etc, but don't want to be harassed or abused either.

Willow--it is different--isn't it? As someone who had to deal with lots of weird sexual stuff as a teenager (although not as bad as what you describe) I often wondered if those experiences contributed to my becoming MO. Was it an invisible shield for me?

I think my fat was like a suit of armor

Willow, you are a very special lady to bear your soul to many strangers here on this forum. I, for one, take my hat off to you for your determination to make things work for you. I congratulate you on your weight loss accomplishment and how much you help others on this board, as well as the main board. I am saddened by all that you have had to endure. But that is the past, history, and you can move forward now, leaving those hard times behind. Having a beautiful body, feeling sexy and beautiful, does not mean that you need to endure harassment. Most young and beautiful-bodied people receive harassment because of their looks, but we just don't hear about it. Let that fall off you like water on a duck. You have come this far for you, and YOU are the only thing that matters. Although I did not have the background that you speak of, I have had my share of other things to deal with. Not only did I deal with the massive weight, but I lost both breasts to cancer. HOWEVER, I had reconstruction and now with the weight loss my reconstructed breasts are much bigger. Men (and women) look at me, and I know the men are thinking "what great boobs". I laugh because if they only saw me without clothes they would not be saying that. But, I play with the cards that I was dealt, and I walk proudly feeling sexy and beautiful because all those people who see me actually think I have breasts and cleavage and that's okay with me. I didn't want this to be about ME, but I wanted to give you an example of how you can turn this to be ALL ABOUT YOU and what a GOOD you thing it could be. God bless and hopefully you can put all the negative past way way way behind you. Hugs, Missy.

I posted this brcause I know I am not alone. there are so many people out there who are just like me, and we all have to stick together so the bad guys DON"T win.

Hi Willow, congratulations on having the courage and strength to face your inner demons and those living and breathing around you. You are certainly blessed to have the love and support of your husband through all phases of your life...early on, morbid obesity and extreme weight loss/body change. It would not be easier to be fat. My guess is that if you were still fat and you faced such a difficult struggle you would either bury it with food, or assume that you did something to deserve it, or tell yourself a litany of things that would knock you down and put the other person in a position of strength. You say you do not know how to deal with sexual harrasment...who does? Who the hell knows how to respond and act appropriately in a situation that is so beyond the norm? I don't know you, but clearly you have an enormous amount of inner strength to have made it through your childhood challenges and beyond. You are a survivor and you can face this power hungry weakling whether it be directly in a safe place or through legal action. One question...does your psych think that your perception of the situation is a flashback or that your anxiety issues are caused by earlier situations? If the former, what does your psychiatrist suggest? Willow, you are intelligent, sexy and beautiful...and you have the strength to face this. Karen

psych thinks that because I have had issues in the past and that the current situation is very similar in that being victimized by a male in a postion of trust is bringing back the feelings of helplessness. the anxiety attacks are kind of from a loss of a sense of safety if that makes sense. told her exactly the situation and the exact words said. They were so blatent that they could not have been percieved in any other way. You can't mistake when someones hand is on your breast and they make the statments that were said to me. Altho I did question and go back and forth thinking maybe I misunderstood, but the psych felt it was very obviously blatent, not mistakeable. A lot of the feelings I am having now are like the feelings I had when I was 12. I do struggle, I am having to be very careful with food, and keep track of what I am eating, not have certain comfort foods in the house at all. I have been dealing with this for months and holding it all in. Don't think I haven't questioned if I did something wrong here too, Encouraged it, gave a message that it was ok unintentinally etc. I had misgivings about getting breast implants for this reason. It was one of the hardest things I have done to tell my husband what happened. It was such a relief that he is on my side. that blanket of fat was very safe. It all never would have happened if I were still 260. My poor husband did point out the health benefits, and how physically better I feel. But , I think he feels pretty helpless in the whole situation too.

my psych is 100% supportive of me and that the guy was way out of line. a couple emails I got people interpreted that the shrink was thinking it was all just a flashback.

I did not think that your shrink thought it was a flashback...I just wanted to be sure that your shrink was encouraging you to do whatever it takes to make certain that the creeps behavior is not tolerated. Sounds like you are getting the kind of support that you need. Karen

Willow, I thought your post was very brave. I didn't notice that anyone suggested anything to you about what to do about the situation or did I miss it? Did your psychiatrist suggest that you should tell this man that his actions and what he said makes you uncomfortable and that you don't like it and that you want him to stop it immediately???? I think you should do that, don't you? Be very clear that you find his actions and language offensive and unacceptable. It's just me, but when people have the nerve to behave badly in public, I have the nerve to point it out to them in public! Good luck!! Jan