Putting it all into Perspective

As most of you know, I have been struggling with a 20+ pound gain over the last year. Well, I have gone from despair, to self-hate to self-pity to frustration to determination. The range of emotions has been incredible and they can change on any given day. Well, folks, I had one of those famous "lightbulbs" go off in my brain last night. In two months, I will be 4 years post-op. I lost 180 pounds and yes, after a couple of years I gained about 20 or so back. I was distraught and was determined to get the extra pounds off. Well, I still am - in fact, I'm working very hard on doing just that. However, it occurred to me that all the emotions I have experienced, other than the determination, are wasted. I have lost hundreds of pounds over the years, only to gain them back as soon as I got bored with the diet of the day. Well, I lost more with my RNY than I ever did with any other avenue I strolled - and yes, I gained some back, but, here I sit after almost 4 years dealing with losing only a tiny amount compared to all my other regains. No, I'm not pleased with myself for letting my GRAZING get out of control - and yes, for the most part, grazing is the culprit here. But instead of losing the battle, I'm giving it one heck of a fight. I will NOT go back to where I was - that is what is different this time. So, while I am dieting, I am dieting to lose what a lot of "normal" people struggle to lose, not struggling to lose another person. So, when you put it all into perspective, I have been (and so have all of you) very successful - not only in losing the weight to begin with - but with having the strength, will, determination or whatever it is to deal with the 20 or so pounds and take care of it before it turns into 200 pounds. If I can do this - so can any of you who are struggling with eating issues. I did a lot of soul searching to find the cause of my weight gain. I go through periods of extreme hunger but that isn't what made me gain - it was my trigger foods - crunchy salty snacks - especially popcorn, Cheez-Its, Cheese Nips, and nuts. I CANNOT eat moderate amounts of those foods so they have had to be removed from my diet - and from my pantry. We talk about being carbaholics - I am one for sure. I have to treat those triggers like an alcoholic treats alcohol - I MUST ABSTAIN - I can't eat just a little and walk away. What foods trigger you to graze or overeat? It's important to recognize those triggers and eliminate them totally from your life. You can't assume that you can eat like "normal" people - "normal" people were never morbidly obese. I can eat a small amount of sweets and not eat any again for months - I don't because I don't want to get to the point where I'm using sweets as a comfort food in place of the salty carbs and I'm afraid I will do just that. I have alread found that I can't eat peppermint - I get hooked on it very quickly. I am combining better eating habits and exercise (something relatively new to me) to fight the battle - and it's slowly but surely working. It's been tough - the rewards on the scales come very slowly now - I would adore going back to the rapid weight loss of early post-op days but that isn't going to happen. What is going to happen is that I'm going to eat healthier and keep up the exercise - if the extra pounds come off, I'll be thrilled - if they don't, I'll learn to live with it - after all it's much easier to live with being a size 18/20 than as a size that didn't exist in the stores - not even in the Plus Size stores. Have a great Wednesday! Patty

Patty, My thoughts are about the same as yours although I am not that far out yet. I know the day is coming and I am trying to arm myself with enough things that can help. I agree with your last statement about 18/20 vs the nonexistent clothes size...I been there and have done that! Scale is not moving and I wonder....am I okay with this? Can I get more...my window of opportunity is closing soon. All I want is to be happy. I want to be happy with me. I need to find away to say its okay to be where I am. I never settle with anything. Its seems to be my life story! I want it all the way I want it...there is no shading allowed which I feel is not a healthy way of thinking. I need to compromise. But how do you compromise and what is a good compromise. Too many thoughts for the day. Thanks for the post and I am glad to have you on the fighting the battle team! Debbie

Debbie, It took me a long time to accept that I would never be "normal" on the BMI charts. I lost more than my surgeon wanted me to and he was very surprised that I continued to lose. Actually, right now, I weigh just about what his original goal was for me. And that may be one reason I gained - maybe my body wasn't happy with what I thought was ok. I really wanted to get to 150 and never got anywhere close to it. But I reconciled myself to that - and then the gain - but it's ok - I am healthy except for arthritis and that is the real plus in all this. For me, at 59, it's far more about good health than it is about size or vanity. Not that I wouldn't love to be a nice size 12 - but I'm not and that's ok with me - now. Keep up eating right and exercising and your body will find where IT is happy. Just remember that the most important numbers are your blood sugar, cholesterol, and blood pressure - not the numbers on the sclaes or on the tags in your clothes. I can't tell you how to compromise or what a good compromise is - that is a very personal thing - and one that you and maybe, your doctor, will have to address. Just remember that the average loss is about 60% - 80% of your excess weight and a loss of 50% of excess weight is considered a success. Sometimes we get so focused on the numbers that we lose sight of the real goal - good health. Keep up the good work. Patty

Your message hit home with me......I have always valued your opinion. I remember when I was researching and just fresh out of surgery, I LOVED your soapboxes on the main board! I missed ya when you where out of work and missing from the boards.....so nice to see ya around again! And glad everything is going so well for ya! I am like you in the fact that I cannot control my trigger foods either.....I have learned ever so slowly, that they must be out of my house, and out of my grubby little paws. I too have problems with sweets or anything crunchy and salty. I am working on it, every single day! Hoping it gets easier one of these days. Now I just need to follow suit and start the exercising For me tho, it is way to easy to come up with great reasons not to But I am trying with that too!!! Wish me luck! And best of luck to you!! Take Care jesi

Jesi, For me, it's been harder to avoid the triggers now than it was early out. Of course, I could eat some of that stuff then and not overdo - now I just keep eating til it's gone. That is one of the reasons that it's so important to establish good eating habits when we are new post-ops - and not eat the tiny amounts of those foods we love so much. Because the time will come when we can eat much more of them and do -or at least I can. As far as exercise is concerned, I am the Queen of reasons NOT to exercise - but I have put that behind me too - pain is a pretty good reason but I have decided that I'll just take a pain pill and exercise - that is the ONLY way I'm going to shed this weight. Read my earlier post "Evolution of a Couch Potato". I wish you the best of luck too. Patty

Thanks Patty! I can really relate to the trigger foods. I call myself a low bottom compulsive overeater because there are things that trigger me that would never tempt anyone else. One used to be cottage cheese. I used to eat a whole three cup carton at one sitting. It doesn't appeal to me anymore thank god. But I can't keep bread, crackers etc in the house. Have even been know to mix up pancakes from scratch for a binge so even flour was dangerous to have in the house. Even plain old-fashioned oatmeal can trigger me to this day. I hate it but that is how I am. Thanks for the post.... I still struggle every day with food. This morning I was 159 pounds so I am just up 2 pounds at 2 years out but I want to lose at least 20 more. I am in a size 14/16 whereas I was struggling to find clothes mail-order before. I know I need to exercise more. I seem to have a block with it lately. I used to go everyday for an hour- now I am lucky to a couple times a week. I am so grateful for this surgery but it is only one tool in our arsenal. Everything we tried to do pre WLS we need to continue and it is a battle we must never quit fighting or we will return to MO. Thanks again! Lucy

DD, I can eat vegetables and fruits and be fine but let me start with the starchy carbs and I'm out of control - and it doesn't matter when I eat them - morning, noon or night. If I eat them at night, I find myself raiding the pantry in the middle of the night - or worse yet, having them for breakfast the next morning. I have a new food to add to my evil list along with Cheez Its and Cheese Nips - the new Frito Twists in Cheddar Ranch flavor - someone had some at work and I made the mistake of eating a couple. The next day, I bought a big grab package of them and ate them all over the course of the day - and then did the same thing the next day - I literally have no control once I start - so the only option for me is to avoid them completely. Hope you have a great day too. Patty

You have worked hard. You are doing great. We need to celebrate our victories more than we beat our selves up over our percieved failures. I highly recommend the book, "How Much Does Your Soul Weigh?" about overcomeing eating disorders and learning a healthy body image and healthy way of dealing with food.

Willow, Thanks for the compliments and thanks for the tip about the book. I will check it out. Patty