Marriage issues after WLS

As many of you may know my DH is a wonderful man. He has been by my side thru some really rough times, and I appreciate that so much. Here is the problem. My DH is also at least 100 + pounds over weight. He has struggled for years and years. every diet known. You all know the story we have all lived it. I would love for him to have surgery so we can get on with our lives together. He feels miserable. he has reflux, sleep apnea, back aches etc. He has not expressed any real interest in having surgery tho he was 100% supportive of me once he learned about it. He never critisized my weight or tried to make me feel bad about it, Altho I know he is really proud of my loss. I feel like I want to suggest surgery to him , but I know pushing it would be wrong. I also don't want to make him feel I am being critical of him. His self esteem is pretty low. Since I have lost so much weight and I am exercising daily I feel so much better, I have so much energy. There is a lot I want to do , and with him , the love of my life. But he had no energy and feels lousy most of the time. I am trying to get him to exercise with me so he might feel a little better, But he just says no , he is too tired. I tell him he will have more energy if he will exercise a little every day. I even told him I need an exercise buddy so I won't gain the weight back & that he would be helping me out to exercise with me. I don't know where to go from here. I want us to have an active healthy lifestyle together. I need it for me too. I am going to the health club alone and doing what I need to do. I am trying to make new friends there who have similar interests. I only really talk to the other women because quite honestly I am afraid if I start a friendship w/ a male that it could go too far if I am not really careful. I do wonder what it would be like to be with someone who wants to do the stuff I want to do, who is active, energetic and feels good. that makes me feel like a bad person just for wondering. Any ideas on how to handle this??? How to suggest to him with out hurting his feelings or making him feel even more insecure than he already does? Losing the weight really truely is only half the battle.

Willow, It is hard to respond to mariage issues because it is such a fragile area. However, from my view point I see that the two of you have been together your entire lives. Even though it may hurt him that you suggest something maybe you should do it anyway. The straying feelings would be much more damaging in my opinion than trying to help him get healthy. Tell him youwant to enjoy the rest of your lives together and you want it to be a very long rest of your lives!! Start saying honey you sure are looking good have you started losing weight? Even though you know he hasn't it sparks the fire and he will want to live up to your idea of him. It works with us all. He is probably feeling rather insecure right now since you have lost so much weight. He may even feel hopeless. I hope some of these suggestions help good luck I'll keep you in my thoughts. Tina

I have the same situation but I am married to a wonderful woman, She has been very supportive and I am in the same situation as you are, she will not even consider the operation, she will not go to the gym and sometimes i feel very alone, but i have met new friends at the gym that are doing the same thing i am in trying to stay healthy. My wife understands that i have all this extra energy and i do things that she can not do. I really do know how you are feeling. try to hang in there. I love my wife dearly but sometimes i really wish she was able to do some of the things with me, feel free to email me anytime to talk, take care, a friend Bruce I really do know how you feel

I see you can relate to my situation. My DH is truely the person I want to share this adventure of living life to the fullest for the first time

Hi Willow, I agree with Tina, but at a support group I attended, the issue came up and weight loss really triggers emotions in people who can't lose weight themselves. I'm am seeing it with my sister and sister-in-law and brother-in-law. The relationship is just not the same. They are jealous and say they would NEVER consider doing what I did. That's ok for them, but their eating habits haven't changed either, so I am a reminder I think of what they can't do themselves. Looking back, I felt the same about people who were thinner than myself (i.e., it isn't fair!!) I thought. Food and what it represents is a major mind-thing and if the mind-thing isn't dealt with, the weight will never be dealt with either and it just becomes a sticky wicket for all involved. It's my opinion that he will have to deal with his issues before he will pay attention to yours, so I would just go about your plan and do the best you can. You can't change his thinking, only he can do that, but the complication comes in when you have to LIVE with the person. It's such an individual, personal challenge. Some of us take it and some don't, but we have to learn somehow in marriage to balance the choices being made and accept them and do what ultimately is the best for you/us. Prayers for you. I know what you face. Hugs Marilyn

I have seen the emotional response and jealousies form other people as well, people who distance themselves. I know one of the things that prompted me to have the surgery after my Dr. had talked about it was that DH lost 60+ pounds on Atkins and I was afraid if he got thin with out me that other women would be after him. Now He has gained it back and maybe more. As good as he felt about losing it I know gaining back is a real bitter pill to swallow. You are right hto about each of hus having to deal with our own issues, serenty prayer, accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can ( and that would not be another person) and the wisdom to know the difference.

Personally I know that when people talked to me about my weight, exercising, etc as a pre-op it just made me angry. My thinking was it's my body and none of their business, do they think I like being fat? My opinion, worth nothing if you don't agree, is that you are going to have to give your husband the same loving support he gave you for years when you were overweight. One of these days he may surprise you and decide to have the surgery but it's going to have to be his decision. If watching how wls has changed your life hasn't influenced him, maybe he isn't a good candidate for the surgery. Some people aren't willing to give up the food even if it's killing them. I understand your frustation with being a new person who has a lot of energy but I think you're going to have to find female friends to do things with for now if you want to stay in the marriage. I don't think it's unusual to wonder what it would be like with a thinner, more energetic partner, but is it really worth the cost? I hope you find the right answers for you. So many people go through this phase after losing weight. I'm single and find myself very restless now that I've reached goal. I have this feeling of "what now". The excitement of losing weight is gone and I need something exciting to replace those wow moments. I'm searching too. Best of luck!

Nothing is really worth the cost of hurting a person you love, is it? I understand the sense of restlessness.

I have read many of your posts about your wonderful husband and I commend you for not putting yourself in situations that might cause harm to your marriage. I know you probably have already done this, but have you really talked heart to heart with him? Something like," Honey you know how much I love you. We have been together almost since childhood (I think you are the one that married your childhood sweetheart) and you are my very best friend. We should be having the times of our lives right now at this stage. There are so many things I want to share with no one but you. I want you to be around the rest of my life." I'm not good at the mushy stuff but you get my point.

Ahhh Delores--you sounded pretty good at the mushy stuff to me.