Social Skills??

Okay this is new and different.......... I had a contract negotiation meeting today at noon, which by the way I aced! YES!!!! However, though I am thrilled and feeling quite confident regarding my professional abilities....finally again; the reason for this post is that I do not know how to "read" people at all. When I was MO, at 380, it was easy to interact on a business level or social level. I knew what to expect and was typically never dissapointed. One of two responses would be displayed and I was right on with each of them. There would be the initial shock of my size, and then obvious embarrassment and a quick face change to cover up that shock and move on to the business at hand. Or, there was no reaction at all, bless THEIR hearts, and it was just business....or social interaction or both. Today however, and this is the first initial business interaction I have had since WLS.....2 years ago, I met with a physician. I am a medical transcriptionist and I wanted his account. He said my name from the hallway before entering the room where I was waiting for him to discuss the negotiation terms. I was pleasant, and oriented X 4, and when he entered the room, he visibly hesitated and did what I would call a double take. I do not know what that was. Do you? I don't know how to "read" people's reactions to me anymore. He recovered quickly and put out his hand to greet me, and all went smoothly from that moment on with a very successful meeting. But, what was the hesitation when entering the room? He looked me right in the eye and emotionally or mentally stumbled, or at least that was what I read on his face. Of course I wanted to make it about me and my appearance. So, have you had this happen to you? Are you able to ascertain what people are experiencing or can you get a good "read" on an initial reaction to yourself??? I feel very inept socially in this regard...like at a disadvantage somehow. I have always depended on my intuition or first impression and now it is totally thrown off. Thanks for any input you may have on this one. Jeannie

Jeannie, I could be way off here but it sounded to me like he knew you, or thought he did and then was suprised, but didnt say any thing because he wasnt sure.... I dont know how to explain it but I have also found that I dont read people that I have met since surgery very well either.. I was always unsure of myself or I just KNEW what they were thinking,(whether I did or not) ... Now since I look at people different, not worrying so much about me and what they think, I have been blind sided several times and NEVER saw it comming.... I am sure I am not making sense SORRY

Hi Kiwi, Thanks for contributing to this discussion for me. You are making perfect sense. I have given this a lot of thought and I wonder if maybe the reason it is so disorienting for me is that I no longer feel in control of the situation. It's again, unfamiliar territory and I just flounder.......I was really really big on control pre op......and obviously I still struggle with that! Thanks again, Jeannie

Well, Jeannie... This is one subject I've wondered on for the past 18 months. And that is... how do I learn to judge people now that the obvious obstacle is gone? What do I rely on as my "barometer"? It boils down to one thing... and this is no different than when you were SMO. Even then, the reaction we got from people was because we didn't look as they expected. That will still happen. Only now we don't know if its a negative or positive. That doc's reaction was just that. He didn't see what he expected to see. No telling whether it was a good or bad thing. But the fact that the meeting went well would lead me to believe its a good thing, or in the very least nothing that you need to worry about. Don't worry about it. It's going to happen. Here is where I'm going out on a limb and saying that the "normal" people have and always will be working at a judgement handicap. They have to wait until someone new proves themselves a jerk or idiot. It's not readily apparent because they have no "barometer". The barometer is gone... and we have to learn to judge all over. In the process we have to also accept that we may never know things about new people we meet. And what do we do about it if we find that someone we've gotten to know and like later exposes a prejudice to obesity? Do we rule them out as friends? Do we make allowances and consider all their other qualities to balance that out? Sorry I probably raised more questions than I answered... arent' you glad you asked?? xoxo WP

Hello darlin' I have never regretted asking the boards anything........not always liked what I got back....but regret? No, not really......... And thanks. You know I appreciate all you offer. J

Well, Jeannie, you are quite beautiful! The first thing that popped in my mind when reading your post is that he was taken aback by your good looks and then stumbled a bit to recover. I also thought that perhaps he "knew" you previously when you were heavy or maybe he asked someone else about you prior to your meeting and you were described as heavy. Then, when he saw that you clearly aren't heavy, he had to re-think his previous assessment of who you are. Just my thoughts! Paula

Aww thank you Paula... But the truth is I think I've realized it's a control thing with me.....I felt in control, albeit negatively, about the response from meeting someone for the first time, when I was SMO. Now, I'm totally out of control, I cannot "blame" the fat if someone has an initial adverse reaction to me. Now, just why do you suppose I would project an initial adverse reaction to me on an unknown stranger?? Hmmm...me thinks there is some self esteem issues there??? Plus, I am blind to any male attention, unless I initiate it. That was a business setting and there was absolutely no room for that, thus for me, it does not exist. If I am in charge I can flirt with the best of them, but if it is not me initiating the flirting, then it does not exist....I cannot accept that any man in his right mind would find me attractive. I know, I need to work on that don't I?? But it's a huge bite to chew after 55 years of being the ugly fat chic, the good friend, the confidant, the pal, the buddy of all the males in my life. Thanks for your input, it helps to hear how others perceive themselves. It gives me a frame of reference. Jeannie

I certainly understand the control issue. When I was heavy I felt the same way, I KNEW that no man was going to be interested in me so I could flirt in a friendly manner so as to endear myself but not have someone think I was coming on to them. That way I didn't have to feel the rejection that was inevitable. I think that I'm having difficulty with some people at work b/c of my weight loss. I worked out the man thing and I've worked through the friend thing. But, I really think that it's impacting me at work. I've been told for about a year now that there's a lot of jealousy surrounding me but I never believed it or understood it or could figure out what they were so jealous of. Well, I'm starting to figure it out, I think. Some people just want to be negative about someone or something so they don't have to focus on themselves and for a few women, I've become the target. It doesn't feel very good and it makes me feel very out of control and I don't know how to operate in this world of being a beautiful woman. I was always the woman that no one was jealous of!! Well anyway, I guess we'll both keep working on our issues. I also think that if I could start a new job some of this might go away. But, I may be wrong and it's probably something we both are gonna have to put some effort into figuring it out. Best of luck to you, Jeannie! You seem like a really smart, cool woman! Paula