Green Monster

I am an awful person. I have become so envious of newer post-ops who are still losing like mad without even trying that I can no longer even bring myself to congratulate them when they post about their successes. I've lost 112 lbs, about which I am enormously pleased. But I've stopped losing for about three months now, and I want that "high" back that comes with losing lbs every week. And I want to believe that I might someday still make my goal (another 35 lbs to go). But I'm feeling discouraged, and as a result I'm not being a very good supporter in my support groups (both online and off). I feel terrible about this because I just lived for the kudos of my peers when I was losing quickly. Nothing was more fun than announcing I had lost another X lbs and having people congratulate me on my success. But now I'm not "giving back" enough--I feel like a bitter old woman, and I'm only a year out. I feel myself drifting toward not wanting to do support groups anymore (online or off), and that scares me. I know that people *****main regularly involved in support groups are statistically far more likely to find long-term success after WLS, so I want to stay. But it's not as much fun as it used to be. What keeps all of you involved? ---- Leslie

...and you just confirmed what an awful person I am! j/k It doesn't make me feel better to know that you're only down 91 and have 100 to go. It just makes me wonder how you keep yourself coming back to offer support to others because I want to do the same. I can only imagine how it makes you feel to see other people who had surgery when you did the first time all at goal, finished with their plastics, etc. And yet, here you are, giving and receiving support with a great attitude. I don't want to be an awful, selfish person who can't be happy for others. I *want* to cheer others on and be optimistic. I'm just in a funk that I can't quite shake and it bothers me greatly because I like to be optimistic and grateful for my blessings. I acknowledge that I have been very successful by anyone's standards. I'm just greedy and want the whole thing. That's how I got the way I was, I guess--I've always been greedy and wanted the whole thing! As for cheering *you* on--I'd be happy to. I'm a little short on rah-rah's right now, but I'll reserve some of the ones I do have for you. I will be genuinely thrilled for you when you hit the century mark. It's a fabulous feeling, and you will be so excited when you get there. You're so close, I'm sure it won't be long. Thanks for your response, DeeDee! ---- Leslie

LOL! Deal. ---- Leslie

Leslie honey, Dee Dee is your best friend and has offered you the best attitude adjustment around........ But, I'd like to offer you my experience with the green eyed monster aspect. I had to really come to grips with the fact that I was very egocentric and spoiled. My "friend" named me Anjeanica in fact. I spoiled myself silly in my obesity. And, to find out I was human and capable of less than honorable feelings and attitudes just about kicked my hiney......and it was very humbling to realize I was that small minded. I was embarrassed. I really admire you for being able to come here and admit your jealousy. I respect that. As long as I fought the "ugly" feelings I had the longer I stayed stuck in them. I had to come to a place of acceptance of my humanity and my imperfection. I am not always a good friend....I am not always loyal...I am not always kind...I am not always gentle. I try harder today but I am human and I make huge mistakes every stinkin' day. And the only way to stop the process and not make an already unfortunate situation worse, is to forgive myself for being less than perfect and try my damndest to move on and give support to someone that might need it more than my ego does.......someone like Dee Dee that has been through hell and gone and has been literally FORCED to accept that her process is not the WLS poster child process....which by the way I just KNEW I would be that!!! LOL>>>>>I crack myself up in my B.S. sometimes....... Thanks for listening to me rant........good luck darlin' you'll be fine...the other thing I learned for me was after being stuck at 199 for over 6 months.......I did continue to lose and am now 20 pounds under the surgeon's goal for me.....so continue to trust the pouch process and at 2 years reevaluate and see where you are.......it's a journey not a destination......... With respect and admiration, Jeannie

Thanks for your thoughtful response, Jeannie. It did take some courage for me to post here and admit to my ugly feelings of jealousy and shame. But they say confession is good for the soul, and I hoped that by coming out and admitting it, I'd get some good insight. And I did. If this hadn't been a grad board, though, I probably still wouldn't have done it. I had a strong feeling someone here would either slap me into shape or say, "Yeah, I feel/felt that way, too"--or both! I will take your advice about just pushing myself out of my self-centeredness. I will join DeeDee's daily vow post tomorrow, and one of my vows will be to offer enthusiastic and genuine support to someone else. ---- Leslie

I got this from somewhere, I thing from here. Kim Life's Journey Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special. Do not set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you. Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless. Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all of the days of your life. Do not give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other. Do not be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave. Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give love. The fastest way to lose love is too hold it too tightly. In addition, the best way to keep love is to give it wings Do not dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope. To be without hope is to be without purpose. Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

Thank you, Kim. That's a very good reminder of what it's really all about. --- Leslie