Deranged emo girl

Why is exercise so cathartic? I really did a good job at pushing myself on the Tempo run. I even handed myself a major ass-hat pushing myself. I did recover, and ended the run very gingerly and slowly but smiling. We went to the co-op and got some nutritious food and then home. Once we got home, I got incredibly sensitive. Everything my partner said made me feel both irritated, and bad. I was pissed at how sensy I was being. And she was teasing me about it to try and draw me out of it with laughter, and it was REALLY not working. She reasoned with me, and got me to not sit in the living room alone - and that's when the tears started. I was very upset, but not really sure why. As I sobbed I came to realize what I'm upset about is the fact that Tuesday morning I found the letter from insurance that says my plastics are denied in total. I'm going to have to fight to get absolutely anything covered. I've been not prepared to really face it in a meaningful way. My sweetie said "you're upset because the running shows you that you're not normal. You complain about the extra skin every time we run. You hate it." And its true. I sobbed much harder for a bit. I just want to be normal. I'm really tired of bearing these scars of my past self-loathing and self-distruction. Without plastics, I won't have a normal life. Its not "cosmetic" in nature that I need to burn the testament to the hundreds of lbs of self-abuse I studied for a decade or two. This girl of mine really loves me - she was so very wonderful and supportive. I said I was embarassed for being such a deranged emo ***** She said "umm. . .stop being so hard on yourself - this is what I signed up for." She knows me so well - and she says "DUH, I'm supposed to!" I love her for it. I just fear that I'm not doing enough. I feel like if I am going to be investing my entire nest egg - my retirement into this surgery - that I should working out with a personal trainer - getting rock hard abs under this gnasty flab. I want to make sure to maximize my results. My girl thinks I'm doing more than enough already. I just want to make sure I'm healthy - as healthy as possible. I'm probably trying too hard, and trying to get to the finishline, before I've even bought my sneakers. I'm hereby giving myself time to get there. I'm giving myself the patience and love to accept myself where I am as being good enough. I love myself exactly as I am right now. Phew, ~Lara -212@goal

Dang, woman, you have an awesome partner and you need to thank your lucky stars for her loving and supportive presence in your life. EVeryone who has had WLS could use someone like her. If she is saying you are doing everything you can, then you probably are. I know that the PS denial was huge for you (read your post a couple of days ago). It's still "raw" and I think you need a while to let it settle. My heart breaks for you because I know that you really want to move on with your new life. Take a good look into your partner's eyes and see what she sees - you must be an amazing person to have this wonderful love in your life - and then give yourself the love that SHE beleives you deserve. I hope that everything works well for you. Know that I am praying for you to find peace and love for yourself. I'll throw in one for the insurance company too! It never hurts. Judi

I do thank my stars. I'm blessed (I like to think she is to ) I've not been talking about the PS Denial in my real life - only my cyber friends knew until today when I started telling a few of them. . .via email *slapps forehead*. . .I'm just not ready to hear one stupid word out of someone's mouth who hasn't walked a mile in this extra skin. Its just hard because I'm striving so hard to let this love I have for myself shine through and be the face I show the world. And I've come so far. It just feels like until I can take care of this, I'm still stuck holding the empty baggage (cause I've already cleaned out all the closets. . .now I'm ready to put them down and be done with it). I really appreciate your love, positivity and prayers. Thanks bunches! I hope life is treating you well, ~Lara

I know the feeling of not thinking you are doing enough....but I can guarantee you that you are! After being dealt such a big blow, you need to take some time being gentle with yourself until you are up to go 10 rounds with your insurance company. Then you can give them h-ll!!!!!

Thanks Misha, I really appreciate your kindness and your energy. I'm building up. Its going to be a heck of a fight once I'm ready. ~Lara