In A Really Bad Place!

Hi Lelina, Where you are is where I fear to go - and only by the grace of god do I stay away. No flames here - just love and support. I'm doing my damndest to throw myself into learning how to become an athlete. It is something TOTALLY befuddling to my eating disorder. I actually scared the bejesus out of myself recently by my near-constant hunger. I thought I was heading towards B.E.D. again. . .when I went to a body analyst and realized that with all the working out I'm doing, I'm just not eating enough. . . .It blew my mind as I've never in a million years thought of the possibility that my hunger could be actual physical hunger. My point is - we are all dealing with this in our ways. I go to therapy, and I'm working to take the power away from my B.E.D. because even though I want it to go away - it doesn't really want to leave. Keep us posted - you're courage to admit it has let many people reply and reach out for support too. Hugs, ~Lara

The mental part of eating disorders- the biggest hurdle for us all. I am right where you are and still trying to reach goal. You know we can learn to accept physical diseases like diabetes or heart conditions. We understand that it may be something we will be able to manage for our lifetime but ignoring it will not make it go away. When it comes to the obesity disorder, we use WLS as a tool to get the body portion in control. But we are still left with the mental part of the disease that just does not go away untreated. I am not sure what the answer is, if there is one to "curing" this portion. I do know as with anything, acknowledging the problem is half the battle. My tool, for this week anyway, is to act on the guilt the minute I feel it. If I have succumbed to a carb attack and munch on Goldfish crackers as soon as the guilt hits I throw away (not put away) the box. Perhaps a waste of money but it won't be there the next time I feel weak. The guilt is balanced with a proactive step. Meanwhile, we just keep trekkin... mary K

Hey Mary, I'm glad I'm not the only nut throwing food away! When I have caught myself almost binging or mid binge, I have actually takenwhatever it was I had in my hand and poured water over it, or covered it in coffee grinds, or tossed it. God that sounds so disfunctional too but I'd rather waste the food than eat it. Michelle 294/150/150

Hi Lelina, Nice to meet you....I've never been to the MB much at all.....I played more on the Cali board and the Over 50 Forum.....I'm old LOL... But, I had to post and tell you I completely understand your pain. I even did the drinking thing too. 7 weeks of drinking.....yikes that was hard...I've been sober again now for over 2 weeks. Good for me yeah. But it doesn't mean much other than physically I'm not damaging myself as much, however emotionally the demon is still there....... I co exist with food, and sometimes it really is peacefully. I don't expect that it will ever be all the time for me. For me there is "getting there" or "figuring it out"......I've finally come to acceptance that it will never GO AWAY...such is the nature of my addiction. The best I can hope for is a respectful workable relationship...I wish I could divorce myself from this part of me, but I cannot. I am stuck in this marriage of my soul with this part of me. I have a wonderful, functional, healthy, happy, articulate, beautiful and loving part of me, and I have a dark, human, raw, painful, mean spirited and angry, ugly part too. It is my belief that we all do. For me, coming to grips with the fact that it is this duality that makes life worth living.....I have come to appreciate and try hard to respect that my "dark side" has a place in my life. I am currently working diligently on finding out the value in that "place"....I know for me when I mesh the dual aspects of my humanity I am more at peace and less likely to need to "feed" the beast. I'm sorry if this is too esoteric and does not in any way answer your needs or questions.....but for me I have had to take this issue to this extreme because all the "control" and "management" in the world has not worked for me........it's about acceptance and love for me. And, the part that ****** me off the most is that it is a constant second to second diligence that is required to maintain this awareness. It does not come naturally to me........diligence is the price of virtue............ daayyyyyammmmmmmmm this is not easy is it??? With respect and admiration, Jeannie

Hey Jeannie, I thought for a second there you were going to cross over to the dark side and turn into Darth Eater LOL!! Very Esoteric, but awesome post!! I'm gonna keep re-reading this one. Thanks, Michelle 294/150

LOLOLOL Michelle, Thanks for the chuckle. I know it's too bizarre...but it seems to be working for me......dammit, that 227 pounds I lost had to be covering up something pretty heavy! Dontcha' think??? LOLOL I just wish to come to terms with ALL of me the part I love and the part I am not so very much fond of......ya' know??? LOLOLOL Thanks for lightening it up for me!!! I'll expect you to come along behind me when I get "here" and help me out of the hole okay??? Jeannie 380/155

Michelle, You crack me up!

Lelina, Just wanted to drop by and say 'Hi!'. I haven't talked to you in a while! Are you going to come back up to the Beach any time soon?? Eileen