Head hunger 24/7 & gained back 100lbs

Gastric was 2002 so it's been almost 13 years. Stress high, 18 months ago I went off doctor prescribed hydrocodones for my bad knees & joints. Pain still high so doctor put me on suboxone strips (under my tongue) to get my body off the long time use of pain meds & we found that the suboxone actually helps control my pain! That's a huge plus! I have been using suboxone foe 18 months now. I started gaining weight when I quit the pain pills & stared the suboxone. Had my thyroid checked & now I take one synthroid 75 MCG a day, 2 trazodone 50 MG at night, 1 cymbalta 60 MG cap. I hate being so huge again. I cannot stop craving food. I think about food all of the time. I even wake from a sound sleep & the first thing I think about is a snack & going potty (in that order) WHY? Did the hydrcodone suppress my appetite? Does the suboxone increase it? I make up my mind to eat sensible but I don't. I'm craving carbs, fats, sugar. Calories are much too high. Exercise is too difficult with this broken down body. I MISS THE FEELING OF HIGH - GLOW - CHEERFUL & lower pain that pills gave me. Bad? yes! Now I'm rarely happy. Up at 5 & then work 7 to 7. Cook & serve sickly husband...clean up after him. Do all of the home chores myself. Feed him, feed the pets, feed me last. Clean, wash, laundry, errands, grandchildren, to bed & then do it all over again. I hate looking in the mirror. I have clothes from large to 4X in my closets. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself with the one more bite mentality. Where did the desire & excitement do? Why did I give up? I'm losing at many things but NOT the weight. I've gained 100lbs :(  A voice in my head kept saying that this apple pie slice won't matter. I'm sick of diet soda & it doesn't taste good anymore. I drink 5 cokes, whole milk, vanilla latte coffees, cheetoes, apple pie, buttered toast, etc.  I hate meat. Can't choke a vegetable down. Eat fruit maybe twice a month. Wish I never had to COOK again. I'd get rid of the food in my cabinets & never buy butter again. But husband wants the traditional southern cooked meals every night. Don't advise me to tell him to cook for himself. Married 44 years & he hasn't cooked, washed a dish or done a chore yet. He never will unless I die or somehow leave him. It's all on me. And I have to work those long hours too. No choice there. I suspect the meds are messing with me. Causing the carb cravings. Am I crazy? I'm so disgusted when I look at my lovely clothes & can't wear them. 100 lbs has robbed my joy, my youthful outlook, me. Who is that huge woman in the mirror?

I know when I was active with my using I gained alot of weight....I never took subs for maintenance but they never made me eat....I do meetings for my addiction issues maybe something to check out....Get the head right first then the body will be willing Good Luck to you hun!

Are you seeing a therapist?  That would be where I would start in your shoes!

The 12-step program of Overeaters Anonymous is working for me.  My head and stomach agree on the right amount of food for me at each meal.  I eat to nourish my body.  I had a 45 pound regain, which I re-lost, plus more.  I highly recommend it.  It is free and full of warm people who understand.

jastypes, i just started going to OA after a 45lb regain. if you don't mind my asking, how do you work your program? i've met people who work theirs several different ways.

that is an interesting question!  I work the 12 steps with an e-mail sponsor.  I use therecoverygroup.com website to participate in a quarterly step study.  I got a plan of eating from a dietician who works with my surgeon.  I pray, meditate and read program literature daily.  I do a nightly check in with my sponsor each night, giving her my honest food for that day, address any issues/struggles that came up for me that day, and listing my gratitudes.  I think more importantly than how we work a program is just our willingness to be open to suggestions.

Fantastic. I am so looking into this! Thanks.

yes, i think you're right that our willingness to be open to suggestions is the important thing.

I am not a doctor but it sounds like depression to me.  You are doing things for everyone else and it is time to do things for Cindy now. Maybe you should check into seeing someone to help with that.  Keep us updated. 

Thank you to ALL of you that have read & responded to my post. It was tough to write. Yes, a therapist is a solid positive next move. I agree to that. Time to get to the root of "why" I'm doing this. Although deep down I know it's because I'm SO very angry & keep it stuffed down. Smile, be pleasant, do what is expected of me. There are so many resentments inside. I don't want to work 11 hour days, or cook & then SERVE, then clean up... I don't want to be walked on, taken for granted, used. Strange how I'm using food to comfort myself. Food to try & fill up that emptiness I have. Naturally I can't eat the foods I used to before the surgery. I don't eat just a whole lot even now. I'm eating the WRONG foods. And those cokes are my favorite crutch!! Liquid calories... yes I know. I know!! But I keep drinking them anyway! It's insane. Depression... yep, I will admit to that as well. I'm pretty much a mess. Losing the weight made me feel good about me. I surprised myself all the time with unexpected little events. I could cross my legs. I could get in the car & actually set my bottle of water between my legs like a cup holder when my hands were full. That was a huge shocker!! My blouse hung down instead of out. I miss that Cindy. I need a therapist! Say a prayer you guys that I'll find the right one, can afford it, can go without missing work, the weight will come OFF, my meds will balance with no side effects to overcome, & I'll cheer up!  Whew... you people have your prayer time cut out for you. I need a lot of help.

In the mean time I have one last question tonight. Do you think I should give up ALL FOOD & liquids too.... go back on protein drinks alone? In other words, start completely over. Back to square one?