Feeling like a huge fat failure...

I had RNY surgery in March 2011 and I went from 292 and I think my lowest was about 180. Over the last year or so I've gotten all the way back up to 220 and I just feel horrible. I feel horrible about myself and my clothes don't fit and I am just a mess. I know what I need to do but I am so addicted to food still and it is just so hard. Over the last year I've been focusing on going back to school and now I am doing my student teaching in an Elementary School. I feel like it is so stressful and so much work and I never make time for the gym and I eat to make me feel better. I am feeling so discouraged and I would just love some support and tips. I can eat absolutely anything and I can eat huge quantities of food at a time. I know that I need to get back on track but I would love to hear from others. 

Hi there, I don't have advice for you as i'm going through the same thing. I just wanted to tell you that your not a failure because you haven't given up. The first thing for me is coming back to the boards and going back to basics, we can do this, we have the tool we just need to remind ourselves on how to use it. Sending good thoughts your way.

Maintenance is hard.  Learning how to eat enough to not lose or gain. 

I know i am expert in gaining. Done it so many times. Excuses i made to myself why it is OK to have the extra bite, or some food that it is on the plan. I've done it. I even ate food that i knew it would made me sick. And i hate being sick. 

At the end it is the priorities....i ask myself what is more important to me : the food or my health and well beeing?  And i ask myself why do i sabotage myself 

A lot of times I feel like special diet i need to maintain is all about limitations: can't have this or that. But a different approach is to see what i can have, and to do the best with it. 

Not long time ago i found out that not only i have high intolerance to gluten, and most grains, but i also have severe soy allergy and allergy to dairy proteins - whey, cheese, yogurt, etc.. Add severe RH, IBS-C...and all of those severely limits what and how much i can eat.  Have in mind that beeing allergic to foods does not make me not want them. I want bread, cheese, yogurt. I really really want that.  And if i take allergy pills i can have some of that. But...the point is why? 

I choose diet that is good for my weight and my body.  At least most of the time.  

I am in a process to lose some regain. Already lost 15-18 lbs, a few more to go. 

Check out BOTT group, read older posts. See what some of us are doing to lose a regain. It is not a diet. It is way of eating that some of us adapted.  What works for one person, may not work for someone else. 

I know i need low carbs, protein and fat to lose and maintain.  I still enjoy food, i cook, or eat out. 

I.e. Last night we are at a fantastic Persian restaurant. I skipped the appetizers. And rice.  But i loaded on meats, and grilled veggies. A glass of red wine helped with my digestion, not that i suggest people drink alcohol.  The spices on the meats were so fantastic - i ate on plan, got stuffed, and did not feel deprived when i could not have any dessert.... 

BOTT group.  

http://www.obesityhelp.com/group/backontracktogether/discussion/

I am 7 years out.  Lost 135 pounds, regained 45, lost that plus more, and now maintain a 141 pound weight loss.  I love to encourage people who find themselves in this situation. Know that your tool still works.  "I am so addicted to food."  Yup, me too.  I work the 12-step program of Overeaters Anonymous to deal with the emotional/spiritual aspects of the disease of Compulsive Overeating.  I used a dietician to find a workable Plan of Eating that I can live with.  I attend (and help lead) a WLS support group.  "I eat to make me feel better."  How's that working for you?  I feel like I can eat anything and in huge quantities as well.  I can eat 2+slices of pizza in a sitting, or several cookies, or a 6" sub and chips -- but I choose not to.  One of my mantras is:  Just because I CAN eat it, doesn't mean I HAVE to eat it.  I use measuring cups, spoons, small plates and a food scale to keep my portions within my dietician's recommendations. 

I was just speaking to someone last night that my dietician referred to me -- that alone is pretty awesome.  I told her that you don't just wake up one day and thing, "Okay, today I'm gonna get it all right!"  It's not a diet anymore.  We don't start tomorrow, or Monday, or January 1.  We start with the next bite we put in our mouths.  Again, I highly recommend OA and working with a sponsor.  My sponsor is my lifeline, and with her help I can say that I have over a year of sane eating.  Track your food to see where you might want to tweak things.  Think about the basic rules.  Do you have a protein requirement? Fat limit? Sugar limit? Are you drinking water?  Are you eating and drinking together?  [please don't.] Are you taking your vitamins? Are you eating 6 times a day?  Pick one thing - one habit - one food - one meal - one SOMETHING - and commit to making a change... commit out loud, to another human being. 

Feelings are not facts.  You are not a failure.  You have a tool... a gift, really.  You just need to use it correctly.

I love that someone in this thread said remember that your tool still works!

I had my surgery years ago on 3/8/2001.  I remember the exact date because I celebrate it as my second birthday.  RNY was still pretty new back then and I was so sick and tied of being sick and tired I jumped right in.  As you can imagine, being 13.5 years out from my surgery I have gone through the same struggle you are.  I actually became so into physiology and nutrition that I am not a Wellness Consultant and help people get the most from their calories and keep their bodies in balance.  If it's ok I'd like to share with you a few things I have found to be key.

1.  Nutritional Cleansing - we come into contact and actually unknowingly eat toxins every day.  Fat cells trap toxins in and when you burn fat the toxins release into your body.  We have to flush them out and let our liver focus on clearing out our system.

2.  Low glycemic - Keep your meals low glycemic and continue to eat small meals throughout the day with a good source of protein being the feature.  I'm sure we all know about the insulin roller coaster of cravings.

3.  Gut flora - There's a lot of info that goes into this but try to eat so that your good and bad bacteria in your gut stay balanced.  When you have too much bad bacteria you crave sugar and carbs almost uncontrollably because the bad bacteria feeds on sugar and yeast and sends signals to your brain to feed it.  This was a big problem for me.  I would feel hungry or just want to eat but I didn't know what and I would try a little bit of everything until I figured it out even though I knew it wasn't my stomach talking but it was such a strong compulsion I couldn't control it.  I learned about the whole gut thing and got myself on a system focused on dense nutrients, protein, pre and pro biotics and nutrient timing that straightened me out in about a week.  I knew that I was back in balance because I could think about food as fuel and all the cravings were gone and I could make better decisions.  

4.  Eat Clean.  Stay away from artificial sweeteners at all costs!!  Avoid gluten even if you don't have an intolerance. 

5.  Finally, and most importantly, weight comes and weight goes don't let it get you down.  Remember that you have the power and tools that you need to get where you want to be.  Refocus and fight on!   

Personally, knowing what to do and being able to execute is a whole other world. I am currently in therapy and doing EMDR to help with some of the trauma's I've been through that contributed to my anxiety and stress. I tend to anxiety eat and working through this has helped. Not cured, but helped. The reality is until you feel "ready" mentally all the well wishes in the world don't help. 

I've been watching my cousin work out, lose weight and try and rah rah me into joining but until I feel ready I just can't do it.

I'm 5 years out. I went back to school also. I've regained about 60 pounds of the 230 I originally lost. I went back to my surgeon's office. They ran tests. My pouch is still small. I still have struggled. I'm working with a doctor, nutritionist, trainer and therapist. It's an ongoing struggle. My doctor says I'm addicted to processed foods and sugar. I'm trying to go back to square one. My therapist said not to be so hard on myself. That it takes time to make permanent long-lasting changes. Pat yourself on your back for what you have done. Be kind to yourself and start over. I understand feeling like a failure. But we are only failures if we permanently give up.

I am in the same boat I feel like I am a looser, a friend came to me yesterday and said are you going to do the surgery over again you have gained so much weight. I had to reactivate my account because I don't know what to do.

I think one of the reasons we all struggle so much is that we aren't being held accountable on a daily basis. I know I have struggled for years being able to eat any food and larger quantities than I assumed would be possible after a gastric sleeve. If I choose to eat something "bad," the record in my brain says, "well, you screwed up the day already, so you may as well go ahead and eat bad the rest of the day because it's shot." It's a record I will probably struggle to change for the rest of my life, but I can tell you that exercising daily and eating clean have helped me over the last 4 months. When I exercise in the morning, I tend to stay away from "bad" foods because I am proud of my progress and I don't want to ruin it by making the wrong food choices.

I am a Beachbody Coach now (Who knew that was even possible 4 years ago at 297 lbs?!?!?) and I am paying it forward by helping others on their fitness journeys. I have online fitness groups where we exercise daily, check in, talk about our meals, struggles, accomplishments, and just hold each other accountable. I became a coach to hold MYSLEF accountable because I am leading these groups and I cannot let them down - and guess what? It's working! I get to help others, which feels so fantastic, and I get to keep myself on track as well. (Plus it's nice to get an extra paycheck every week). If you are having trouble with staying on track with your exercise and nutrition, seek out one of these accountability groups or reach out to me - I'm always happy to help!  -Lisa