Acountability - Thursday

My evening last night was ruined by a dog fight. Our beagle apparently got tired of being growled at by the shepherd and fought back..and when the shepherd backed down, she didn't ..it was loud and ugly and I apparently added to it by getting hysterical..sigh..now even hubster is anti beagle..Oh, and I nearly stepped on a rattlesnake trying to get the neighbor to help me look for the shepherd..the shepherd ran away and I couldn't find her for a while. Then I sat with the beagle and the Lhasa while they got calmed down..hubby wanted to leave them outside but they needed normal so I let them in..later the shepherd came in and they all slept. Hubby slept in the other room. He's getting on my nerves as much as I'm getting on his!

Hoping for a good night sleep but I'm thinking that retirement with what is happening inside my home, is not going to happen unless something really serious changes. I don't like the negative environment so I'd rather be at work.

In any case, here is my eat list:

coffee with nsa swiss miss

wafffle, banana, sf pancake syrup and butter buds

1 oz cheddar cheese, 1 slice turkey deli meat

24 oz drink mix with ice, non-caffeinated

left over italian sausage pie with green beans

24 oz drink mix with ice, caffeinated

movie theater popcorn..with butter..probably 2 cups, maybe 3 but I counted it as 2.

24 oz drink mix with ice, non-caffeinated

24 oz iced tea with splenda

dinner: 5 oz (before cooking) lean burger patty, 1/8 cup sauteed onions, 1/2 tablespoon mayo, alittle bbq sauce on a sandwich thin (toasted).

Not getting any sleep is wearing me down..I'm exhausted.

totals for the day: 
Calories: 1516
Fat: 91.8
Carbs: 104.5
Protein: 88.8

I could do better.

I had an okay day.  Day being the operative word because the evening didn't go so well.  I have been constipated and it was hurting.  I ate too much last night.  I think I have mentioned that I went back to Overeaters Anonymous and I have been working the 12-steps in that program.  I went over the 3rd step with my sponsor.  I have been struggling with my food while working my third step (made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understood Him).  Anyway, I went over the work I did on the step and then came home starving (I hadn't eaten anything since 11:30 a.m. and by the time I got home it was 6:30p.m.) and while waiting for dinner to get ready I ate some almonds and then two sugar free carmel covered pecans.  I compensated by only eating a portion of what I was going to eat for dinner but then ate some pumpkin seeds and some prunes (I justified the prunes and the sugar free candy by telling myself it would help me go to the bathroom).  Doesn't sound like I was turning much over does it?

Sorry that was so long.  I really would like to be perfect.  I just fall short sometimes.  The reality is this is the best I have ever done with food.  I get scared because I think I should be perfect and when I have trouble like this I keep thinking the shoe will drop and the old ways are coming back.  I was thinking this morning about how in some ways I still think like that mordibly obese woman I use to be.  I still think of myself as the fattest women in the room.  I'm not though.  And even though I have been struggling lately, the struggles pale in comparison to the complete surrender to bingeing I have done.  I plan on continuing to come back here and planning and tracking and accounting for myself.  I just needed to say that for me...

Here is my food from yesterday - I don't have my totals:

32oz water and am vitamins
B: 1/2 cup 2% cottage cheeese, 14 almons, 5 prunes, 2 tbsp golden ground flaxseed
Iced venti sugar free vanilla 2% latte
L: 1 cup split pea and ham soup, 1 slice protein bread, 1 slice havarti cheese, 1/2 nectarine
32oz water and pm vitamins
42 almonds (roughly), 2 sugar free Russell Stover sugar free chocolate/carmel covered pecans
D: 2/8ths Flatout Flatbread pizza (Flatout Flatbread w/taco seasoned ground turkey/fat free re-fried beans/sauteed onions and 1/2 cup cheese)
S: 2.25oz pumpkin seeds

I'm sorry you had such a stressful day Dawn.  Please know someone out in the ether is thinking about you (which I do) and is wishing the best for you!

Type at you later and thanks for letting me cyber rant!

I'm glad you're doing what you need to do to get back into control. I applaud your struggles and your victories..My faith has done so much for my journey, I'm glad you have your faith to help you. It takes all the energy that I have to agree with myself that I am not still that same obese woman. Obese people are my people because they understand where I have come from..Those people and Jesus Christ..I can tell Him my most dark inner secrets and He gets me too.

My daughter is anti christian. Lord help her if she ever has a problem like this because you absolutely have to have God or you're powerless..She's antagonistic and super abusive of my relationship with Christ. Some nights, I just cry to God because she's soooo mean. I must have done some horrible parenting to have this happen..but then my son loves God and is a blessing to me..

I struggle with my food at home..I know you've seen it. Because I have my lunch bag all packed with all my food and all my water before I leave for work, I'm left with only those things in my bag to eat..It sure cuts down the choices and makes it so that I only eat outside of my lunch bag when I'm feeling strong enough to do that. I measure out each thing and know what I have in that bag before I get to work. Sometimes I skip things like my afternoon hardboiled egg cuz I'm too busy but it's gotten to the point that I feel hungry at certain times cuz I'm used to eating at those times..like I get thirsty when I get into the car too..LOL.

Anyway, we can pray for eachother..not a day goes by that I don't know in my heart that prayer has kept me sane and alive for the last 54 years!