WARNING! Not for the faint of heart...

Anyone who has a history of abuse in their childhood (or has been the victim of a violent crime) does not willingly bring up their issues except when they realize that a layer of healing needs to take place for themselves or someone else...  I guess it's time to deal with a new layer for me...

While I won't go into details, my childhood was spent being afraid of my stepfather, my uncle, and even strangers in the local park, because I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I still have lots of gaps in my memory bank from ages 5 to 11, but thanks to several good therapists and the uncondtional love of my hubby, I have not been afraid of men in years and feel like those wounds were healed.  I use my experiences to help children and other adults in their own quests to heal. 

Truly, I am very blessed to have such a full life where those early experiences have only served to make me more compassionate to others going thru their own trials by fire.   (Even if I my adult issues with ongoing depression have a basis from those childhood traumas.)

So, here is my current dilemna...

I started gaining weight almost as soon as I got married at 21, and I quickly got pregnant with our first child, so that by the time I was 22 years old, I was a wife, mother, and a member of the "obesity" club (weighing in at 233 during delivery...and never making it back to "normal" after that until after weight loss surgery). 

So all thru my 20's, 30's, and into my 40's, I have experienced life from the outside (so to speak) as a wife, mother, and friend, but NOT as an attractive woman who other people (men) look at as a sexual being (other than my hubby).  And after all my learning experiences that led me to finally becoming the woman I was meant to be now (a woman who has a normal BMI and who is enjoying shopping for new "sexy" clothes that hug my transformed body -- as opposed to the tentwear I used to wear), I realized I am attractive and sometimes get "looks" from the opposite sex.  And I am fine with that.

And at first, I thought, "I have finally grown into my own skin" and that I have overcome old fears of men stemming from those years of abuse.  I have been feeling good about my growth, my body, and my future as a "skinny minnie".  I feel "I have arrived..."

THEN, IT HIT ME!  I am 44 years old, and am past the ideal age of "perfect womanhood" - meaning, I am a COUGAR, not a young flirty girl at the peak of her attractiveness.    I am not down on this fact but since I am "past my prime" as they say, with my sagging boobs, my sharpei puppy thighs, and my batwings, having raised 2 daughters (and a contributing "parent" to many of their friends) and married to my wonderful man for 23 years, I have to ask this question...  DID I PURPOSELY WAIT UNTIL I WAS PAST MY PRIME TO BECOME THIN AGAIN SO I WOULDN'T BE A "PRIME TARGET" OF MALE ATTENTION?  Did I wait until it was SAFE to come out of my fat body armor?

If I did purposely wait, what does that say about my healing process?  Am I as healthy as I thought I was?  These questions have burst my bubble a little and I am contemplating a return to therapy for a few weeks to explore this new layer.  I don't want to play things "safe" anymore.  I don't want to become a big flirt or a HOE but I want to fully own my sexuality!  (Hope this doesn't gross anyone out...)

This year, I am EXCITED to attend my hubby's work Christmas party (it is a big deal at Intel Corporation).  I am exploring the idea of buying a dress that will ACTUALLY LOOK GOOD on me (hugging all the best parts of a womanly body...and giving me my own VA VA VOOM factor).  I am going to party...and dance...until the cows come home... then go to an after party up in one of the hotel suites!  (Note:  I am still working out how much alcohol will or won't be involved for my consumption.)

I may not have all the anwers to those intimidating questions, but I will SHOCK the HELL out of anyone who hasn't seen me in the last year...that's the benefit of being 110 lighter than a year ago - and having a "YOU GO GIRL" attitude to match!  I can live with that for now...

I just want to celebrate the victories you have made and encourage you that so much more of life is ahead for you. I am a memeber of the 'broken head' club, having lost 196 pounds and feeling very off-balence in the world. I hate it when men do the whole wowwee thing, it makes me horribly uncomfortable. I am happily married for 30 years and 51 years old. I want to look great...but not be noticed. Does that even make sense?
Let me know when you have found that healing...we all learn from each other. The "YOU GO ATTITUDE"   will serve you well...go get em!

I totally get the not wanting to be noticed thing.  Even at the Christmas party, it was exhausting to feel "on display" and I was so ready to go back to the hotel room afterwards.  I like being in the background and a lurker...lol

I think it says more about our healing when we can maintain long term relationships and want to our outsides to be healthier to match our insides.

I thank you for your post.  I, too was a victim of sexual abuse. During my pre-op work-up, I saw a therapist who told me that it is normal for these types of issues to arise post WLS.  The therapist says that the fat that we shroud ourselves in for years served as a protection from men and their advances.  The fat kept us unattractive, and safe. When we are without that layer of protection, we may begin to feel vulnerable and issues related to the abuse may arise.

Your question is a great one; I hope that you are serious about pursuing the answer in therapy. However, I don't think this new issue is reflective of your healing process.  I believe that healing occurs in layers.  As we become stronger, we are able to handle the next thing.  This is just your next thing.

Congratulations to you, and have a blast at the Christmas party.