need advice...marriage

I am 4 years out of surgery and along with the physical changes I have also made other changes.  I am out going and social and enjoy being with friends and participating in activities.  I am for the first time in my life considered good looking even sexy if you ask the right person.  :) I have been married for 16 years and my husband is nice looking, very kind and a loyal man.  He is unfortunately not passionate, flirty, playful or attention giving or able to hold an intellectual conversation very well.  He does not have many interests outside of work.  He has not developed a "self" identity.  I feel like I need someone who I can easily talk to, has passion, has the ability to share emotional sides, a person who is an individual and has his own interests, and can be flirty and fun or serious and contemplative.    My husband and I have had many discussions about how my needs differ from his and he is always willing to try but as many of you know change is hard and our relationship always goes back to the way it was. I have always felt like something was missing from my marriage even before the weightloss.  I feel like eventhough my husband has some great qualities, he is not my soulmate or my best friend.   I have considered ending the marriage because I am so unsatisfied and unhappy.  Our 3 kids and his emotional pleadings have kept me in this marriage.  Here is the problem.....I crave the attention that I have been receiving from other men.  I am 40 years old and feel like an adolescent but I just can't turn it off.  When I try to focus on my family and not my wants/needs I tend to start snacking more and not working out.  I think I sometimes try to sabotage myself into gaining weight so the temptation isn't there.    I just need to know if others have experienced this and if so how they handled it.  

My advise is don't throw away a good marriage.  I think a lot of us go throw the 'I'm beautiful--I'm sex' period, but we recover and get our feet back on the ground.  Also men who have known us for years start to looking/making passes at us and we over react.  I am older than you, but men still look at me and I have to make an effort to not make eye contact with them.  I know you do not want to hear this, but 'good men are hard to find.' 

Could you find some companionship with other women?  Give it some thought.  When the chips are down, your girlfriends are the ones who come through.

ruby
3/2005  rny
262/125/135
hi/lo/today
5'1"

the following is pretty harsh but I feel the need. Be angry if you want but I feel it needs to be said.

Alot of times we see something we think we want. You know, the grass is always greener? It's not.

I think the guys that would break up a marriage or wait around for a marriage to break up are dangerous. I mean how can you trust them to be there for you when they see someone who might be better looking or younger..And there will ALWAYS be someone better looking and younger, unless you want to keep getting plastic surgery and fixed in that way..Unless all you really want is to love 'em and leave 'em and that sounds like a very short term thing..Sort of like a hooker situation..not long term. You must think you're better than that.

He's been loyal to you for 16 years and there's alot to be said for that. I mean when you were obese, he was there and didn't start looking for someone younger and skinnier..He's developed his self identity and it's all about being there, all this time, supporting and working. Guys from that era were told that's their role and not much more than that!

How can you be with someone for 16 years and not share your soul with them? It's there, you just need to quit focusing on your own needs so much. Passion isn't something that is firey and hot all the time into older age. There is much to be said for keeping the home fires burning..even if it's just a smolder; occasional passion..

I prayed for YEARS for God to change my husband and you know what happened? I changed and I accept him for who and what he is..I changed, not him.

Listen to this! She's telling you the truth: good men are hard to find, and while you think that you need passion and stimulation and and and...

A good man is easy to take for granted when you have him (if you aren't careful) because he's always there, doesn't rock the boat, etc. It's when he's gone that you realize how much of a void he filled in your life and how really wonderful it is to have stable, strong, dependable instead of passionate, unpredictable, and thrilling. 

Don't screw your life up!!

I suggest you watch Bridges of Madison County. Meryl streeps character in the movie made the right choice; she stayed with her family. Listen to the part where she is explaining why she did not go off with the photographer.
I think all of us who go through this transformation of losing weight need counseling. It is a huge change. Good luck.
Mary

I am not angry at your posts, i appreciate your insight,  it is what I already know and have told myself a million times.  I just can't turn off the need or desire I have to get that attention and try to find that connection.  I do have to say that he did stick with me when I was obese but we still had issues with connecting back then.  And he has even admitted that back then he wasn't worried about loosing me so he didn't feel the need to address the problem.  Now he does worry about loosing me he is willing to work on it.  I appreciate his honesty but it makes me feel like when I was sad and lonely because I didn't feel like my husband loved or wanted me, he didn't care enough about my feelings to address the issue.   But now that he is sad and scared it matters to him so he is willing to try anything.    I know I need counseling but I need someone who specializes in or has much experience with gastric bypass patients.  I think others don't always understand the huge psychological transformation that takes place.

I have a friend who felt much as you have say you feel.  She got involved with another man.  She divorced her husband, but the boyfriend stepped out of the picture.  She has had a number of relationships in the last ten years but has not found much happiness.  She has struggled to get her kids through college.  She has sold her home and lives with her sister.  She is so sorry she left her husband.  He provided for them very nicely.  Her mother begged her not to leave her husband.  She wishes had listened.

Ruby

  Being you are from Minnesota, I will give you this name recommended to me by my Pre-op psychologist.

            Lana Bouticoff PH D
             570 Asbury St Suite 104
             St Paul, MN  55104
             651-645-7318

    I went to a United Hospital support group meeting where she gave the presentation. She has a whole series based on 25 years of dealing exclusively with people that have had weight loss surgery.
   We experience changes beyond what a normal dieter does, there are physiological and psychological changes that we need to learn how to deal with. There are cross addictions, such as shopping, gambling and sexual.
   Try to deal with it now before you make a decision that can't be reversed.

    She does individual counselling, but also has group meetings that are very affordable.

Paul

i left my husband of 17 years (at that time)at 1 1/2 years out from wls and it was the worst decision of my life.  i THOUGHT i had changed and that the world around me needed to change as well.  i left my 3 children (at that time 15, 14 and 6) and broke their hearts.  i was lost and on a downhill spiral. i was selfish.  its one thing to pamper yourself, treat yourself once in awhile, but to be selfish is wrong. 

there is a huge story and struggle in between these paragraphs that i cant go into, but i will say...the one person that had always been there for me/with me ..is the one person that no matter how i acted, what i said, what i did...was the one person that is still with me today. 

i am happy to say that i am back with my family.  WHERE I BELONGED IN THE FIRST PLACE.  sure, we went through counseling, there are rough times..there are bad memories, regrets, guilt.  but i am with my husband and family again.  i was gone from them almost a year.  i have now been back where i belong for 4 years.  this year will be our 21st wedding anniversary.

please seek help before you do something that you regret.  take care and good luck.

dawn

Dawn-
You brouight tears to my eyes as I went thru the exact same thing but your situation  turned out better!  My kids were 18 and 21 so at least older to understand.  I totally regret what I did.  My ex and I have talked but he said he could never take me back cause of the trust issue.  I dont blame him one bit but I sure do miss him and he has also said he still cares about me.

Why then would he still get jealous when I am out of town seing someone else!  He told that to me himself.  I wish I could go back where I belong(ed) but just wont happen.  I am going out with men and my ex has a girlfriend but he said he will never marry her!  Ok, so why get her hopes up when I know she is expecting it.  Anyways, I am glad you are back home with your family.

Sue

PS- We were married 21 years.  Kids are now 20 & 23 and we have a 1 yr old granddughter.  Our divorce was final 2 yrs ago this month.