Fu@king monkey on my back

OK I got fat from a addiction to food. Got gbs. Then got addicted to not eating at all. Then addicted to xanax and spending over $600 to $700 a month on pills. Ok that has been a little over a month that I have stopped taking so many. Now my problem is I went back to eating to much. I need to gain weight bad but not all at one time and scared to death I want be in control of eating and get fat again. Will I always have some kind of addiction? If so what do I need to do. Been in rehap 2 times and it was a joke and a big party there. It was fun in rehap like a vacation. Other people on drugs laughing at eachother. I want to be normal so bad. Is there a normal? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME!!!  I spent over 2 years not knowing what is going on being high on xanax. People told me stuff I done and didn't know it. I have got up from being on a pill benge and the car moved. Or not even in park so I know I went some where. I live alone. If it anit one thing it is another. Geez!

 Amy

 

Have you talked to your psych lately? You really do need to get it all out and talk to someone closer than I am...I wish I was there!

I do know that you WANT to get better...You have decided that you WANT to get better...you just have to find some help to get you to that spot..Ruby can't take care of herself..She needs you!

I love you! 

I have been through 2 phych doctors. And all they do is put me on antidepressants. And it seem to make it worse. Like uuummmm another pill that will let me forget my past. I HAVE GOT TO SOMEHOW LET GO OF MY CHILDHOOD. IT IS ALREADY DONE TO ME AND TIME TO LET GO. I AM 45 YEARS OLD NOW. BUT IT COMES BACK TO HOUNT ME. I KNOW ALL IT IS I GOT TO LET GO. When a stranger touches or bumps into me I want to knock the **** out of them. For just a touch. I hate to be touched. It is hard for me to even let my kids hug me. It was long ago and I can't for get it. I have got to if I want to survive. I am getting my own puppy today so I know that will make me feel better. I was a nurse and always took care of someone and I miss it. I feel like nobody needs me. My kids are gone now. But they call or come see me everyday. I don't want to be alone. Nobody to even say good morning to. Or kiss good night. So I think a puppy will help me. I done went to wal mart and found the puppy a halloween outfit, lol I just need something to hold on to. I know that sounds crazy but I have never been alone with not even a pet. Where I live I anit suppose to have a pet but I am going to slide one in. They want come down here to look. They live in a 1/2 million house. So I don't see them coming to see me. CAN'T WAIT TO MY PUPPY GETS HERE. 

 

I LOVE YA AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME LET IT OUT. I GET SCARED.

Amy

Those who love God take care of eachother...

You know I love you..You know Ruby loves you. You know your puppy will love you...Your kids love you. And there are people out there who look at you and how you respond to these things in your life that need you too...You are stronger than you think you are. What doesn't bring us completely down definitely makes us stronger...Things happen to us for two reasons: 1) to make us stronger or 2) to make us softer and more able to help other people through THEIR hard times...

Those things can NOT happen to you again...they WILL NOT happen to you again...You're safe. You are loved and you can over come this stuff..

LOL the new mother ******g dog bit my finger. I need stitches. She nailed me good. Great way to start off with new pubby. But I bet she want do it again. She is in time out. While I stop the bleeding. Bout to take a hand full of xznax.......God pray for me. I thought I was so good for a while. Then the devil comes and  takes it all away. He needs to go back to hell and leave me alone. And called my boyfriend that gave me the dog to tell him the dog bit me and a woman answered his phone and hung up on me. So he has not changed at all. I am such a ******g dumb ass. I need a mail ordered hubby. lol......has yours got a brother? lol just playing. I guess I was ment to be single. I am only 45 I got a while left to look. Be good.k

 

Amy

Aw...Why did she bite you? Did she get scared?

As for the male...maybe his sister? I'm just trying to make excuses with that...I'd be very pissed...no, sadly, my hubby was/is an only child. the best person in his life was his momma...and she's gone too. If I find a good man, I'll send him to you.. but I think they're all taken..

Men don't change, though...they are who they are. You have to find a good one that's already good because you can find a bad one that will SAY he'll change. He's just lying. My ex was that way too. That's why he's an ex.

mY EX CALLED ME TODAY AND SAK ME OUT FOR FRIDAY. I SAID HELL YEAH I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO. BUT HE BETTER THINK THAT IS IT JUST DINNER. MY SON AND HIS GIRLFRIEND IS GOING. I DON'T REALLY WANT TO SEE HIS ******G FAT ASS. HE DON'T WANT  GBS SO HE WANT BE ABLE TO DRINK. SO I KNOW HE LOVES HIS ALCHOL. I DON'T WANT A MAN LIKE THAT. I GUESS I WILL JUST STAY ALONE. JUST ME AND MY GOD ABOVE. HE IS THE BEST MAN FOR ME. HE WILL TAKE ALL MY HURT AWAY AND GIVE ME GOOD.

 

 AMY

Amy, have you had a thorough psychiatric evaluation?  I am most positive that you had psychiatric issues pre-op.  The huge problem is that you are playing Russian Ru-let with a loaded gun.  It looks like it is only a matter of time before you kill yourself.  Sorry to be so harsh, but you are pathetic.  You seem to bask in the fact that you are severely underweight anorexic and bulimic - yes, it seems you use both these paths. 

Have you ever been diagnosed as a borderline? or possibly Bipolar?

It is sad that you put your kids through all you have.  You need to be a mother to your children before it is too late.

Can you be serious about a rehabilitation facility for addicts with mental health defects?

Sorry to be so frank BUt you have been talking this jive for years.  It is time you picked yourself and and became responsible for getting your life together.  People really do want to help you but when you are not serious about wanting to get better, you make them look foolish.

Now gain some weight - you look sick, very scary and sickly and oh so very wrinkled from extra skin (fill that with some normal fat) and dehydration.  Wrinkled, yep old - I said it.  You think you're cute cuz you fit in "kidz clothes" - but you make yourself look elderly and not youth like with your weight.  Why do you think facial fillers are so popular now?

I truly wish you the best,
L

OH YEAH BIPOLAR,BULIMIC, OCD. PTWL,PERSONALTY DISALITY. pts. raped, You name it, been there done it. Drugs for years alcholal for years been liquar. Bad divorce from chatching with a woman at the motel room. He always to me I was nothing so now I am nothing. I go 2 times a week to my phych. Doctor and the therpest. well it is me like it or not. I know I have bad issues and trying to get them better. If I wasn I wouldn't be taking up my time trying. Nothing nobody can say to hurt my feeling. It has already been said. I don't take it to heart. Noboby on here really kows anyone. I cold be a modle or I could be a dumster diver. Oh well my broplem so I got to fix it myself. Thanks anyway. By the way my kids are grown and own their own. I Only hurt myself. Who knows the gun might be the night. Who knows? One thing about it they will say she is a pretty dead woman. And if we live long enough we will have wrinkles. So they don't bother me. People calling me pathetic that don't know me does. Sounds like you might have a little problem you are hiding? I don't hide. Nothing. I have done it all. Drunk,drugs,***** hep been there done it. So don't even try to hurt my feelings befcause it more than likely is true. But God loves us all. Thank you for your time. I am sure you will hve more to add to this but it don't matter to me. Been said before.

Amy I was intentionally frank and harsh BUT is was not to hurt you it was, hopefully to move you into the path of positive action.  

God does love us all -no doubt.  God wants us to be happy, wants us to take care of ourselves and help others around us.  Why don't you help others again?  Get yourself to that place to take the focus off of you.

And about your kids being grown.  Grown kids need their parents AND YOUR KIDS AREN'T SO GROWN!  I have nieces and nephews around their age and sorry, they are still adolescent like - they rely on adults - reliable adults! Maybe with your conditions you forced them into adulthood.  Anyway,  I am sure that they need you and want you around -even more so if you are healthy and they aren't constantly worried about and taking care of  you or preoccupied about finding you dead

Amy you can get your life together just decide to do it and then try.  Hold onto anyone, any program you have to until you can stand on your own.  And yes, God si right their for you  - call on him!.

Best,
L