Here is how I am, surgery 3/15/07

I am btwn 5'6 and 5'7.  I once reached a lowest of 142 but it was not healthy.
Healthy wise I remain between 150 and 157 depending on the day.  And that is what the scale says every day. I try to go by my jeans and not the scale, I have a beloved size 8. When it gets snug I know I need to cut back, when it gets loose, I kind of go nuts and eat the world.; and might start drinking which evaporates my appetite for a couple of days.
I hate myself so much as fat I put on rampages against anyone obese. I feel like I have suffered so much, I want to inflict harm. To myself and everyone else. 




 

That's really bad. I was noticing this morning that in comedy there seems to be no safe issue EXCEPT fat people. You can't dis women, black people, mexican people, mountain people, southern people..religious people...But fat people are fair game and I think that's just wrong. I try really hard to make sure I make eye contact with fat people..Because no one made eye contact with me when I was obese. I remember how bad that hurt. I seemed to be invisible. I try and be extra nice to fat people even though they call me a skinny *****that's okay. At least I don't call them fat slobs and God knows they used to say that or think it about me.

I don't think eating less is inflicting harm but drinking is...Eating less is a kind thing. Drinking more is a destructive thing. I sometimes get angry at other people and try and inflict harm on myself. I'm not sure why that is but I do it. It's almost like "Take THAT." but it's wrong. If you aren't kind to yourself, how can you have other people be kind to you? Don't inflict harm on yourself. You're the only YOU you have...

My rings are my signal that I need to watch out. When my rings get too tight to slide on my finger, then I drink more water and eat less food...

I wish I could tell you something that would make you feel better. I'm sure your a wonderful person who has family and friends that love you. I used to drink everynight and became someone I didn't like. Fighting with my ex, breaking things (even broke my own cell phone) and harming myself. I stopped drinking and removed myself from a terrible relationship. I started to feel better about myself and I'm overall happy with my life. Granted I still do get depressed every now and then but I think that is normal. Everyone is allowed to have a blue day. Do you have someone you can talk to? They might be able to help you sort out your frustrations.
Just so you know were here to help you.
Kathleen