4 years!!

Hello,

Today is my 4 year anniversary.  This has been a wild 4 years.   I have been through alot and continue to struggle everyday with eating issues, depression and addictions.  I must say that being thin certainly has felt so good, its a great feeling.  However I still find that I am totally identified with my appearance and that of others, I compare myself to other women that determines if I am good enough, better than or less than.  I am ashamed to admit that but it is true.  I truely wish I could get to a place in life where I no longer identified with my weight/appearance.  I would like to be comfortable in my skin no matter what size jeans I wear and no no matter who else is around.  I wish I could say that my focus is good health, but it is not I want to be a healthy first, but first I want to look good.   I hear often that I am a great person, that I have alot of really good qualities, I am smart, do a good job at work, am a good mom, a good friend and so on.....so why is it that all I see are the imperfections.   

In my head I have known since day one that this surgery would not fix my head but I guess somewhere deep down inside I was hoping it would, or that I had done enough therapy and self help type stuff that I could transition from being fat to being thin wtihout a hitch.    Guess What....did not happen.  Once the honeymoon was over and I woke up one day and thought...okay so now what, I still hurt inside, it is still me in a smaller body.   I turned to different things for comfort, men, prescription medications, spending money and now I am dealing with food again.
Food seems much safer in comparison.  Today I went for a pyschiatric evaluation and for the first time in my life I was told that I have a eating disorder.  

I had been in therapy for so many years before surgery but I never told any therapist some of the stuff I have shared on here, I was much to ashamed.  I know now that I have a choice, I am going back into therapy and will be honest about all my stuff.  

So I guess I just wanted to share....it is kinda ironic 4 yrs ago I was getting ready to start a new chapter of my life and I hoped that it would make everything better..today I started yet another chapter but this time I am a little more humble and know that I have a lot of work to do.

Thanks for listening!
Melissa
 

It sounds like you have made a good decision.   You have a lot of insight and being honest with yourself and therapist will be a positive step.  I am surprised no one ever mentioned eating disorder, since you have had a weight issue.   I hope your therapist is an eating disorder specialist.  

Wish you the best.   

Thanks for the support....

Melissa

Melissa -

I am 5 years out & feel much of the same way. I have terrible body issues. Im down 140lbs and still feel like the 320lb woman I was before. I am in a size 14 pants and still think that Im not successful because I didn't get down to a 6 or an 8. I went from a 26 to a 14 and still feel like I failed.

I was seeing a therapist as well way before my bypass journey began but now I see a different one. I go to a therapists who specializes in eating disorders. She's amazing and has been a huge help in me moving forward and thinking differently about myself. If far from "fixed" by a long shot but I can see things a bit differently now. Im trying & I've gotten back to these boards and they are helping as well.

I am happy to hear that you are making some progress with your therapist.  I know I can do it also, I just need to find the right therapist for me. 

Sometimes I think I should have had a labotomy insteady of RYN...lol...but oh well. 

Take care and thanks!

I just talked with someone at my job regarding the same issues you ladies are experiencing. I myself never really had any serious image issues because I have, for the most part, been happy with myself whether big or small. I told them that people have to realize that this is not a quick fix and that you have to fix the inside just as well as the outside. For example, if you have a home that you dislike a lot and you only changed the outside for curb appeal, who would want it. The inside needs to be remodeled just as well. You may not be able to have the high end appliances and crown molding, but at least it is bearable. Try to work on the inside and get that to where it should be. See a therapist, talk to friends, do things that make you feel better about yourself...Good luck ladies

Hi There,

Thanks for the post....I so wish I could say I did not have image issues I have some serious ones in my rational head I  know its very shallow..... but in my emotional head and heart I totally identify with my body.  I will continue to work on the inside. 

Take care 

You are all awesome and amazing.  And I feel exactly the same way.  Now I have gone from not taking care of myself at all, to the opposite.  I do not leave the house without makeup, doing my hair, Estee Lauder Makeup, etc.  I know it is ok to take care of yourself, but sometimes the old me pops through and says "You are being vane and selfish!".  I do struggle terribly with stress eating still.  I cannot...if I try I will dump.  But I still do it.  If the scale goes up one or two pounds, I freak out, start liquid protein and exercising again.  I have gone from the obessed fat lady to the obsessed thin lady worried about not getting fat.  Some days I am pretty good at being normal.  Other days I  freak out if I gain a pound.  I think that Obesity is a true mental illness, and just because I have had RNY does not make me well.  It makes me physically well, but my mental issues are definitely still there.  I need some counseling I know.  Thanks for lettng me share and thanks for posting this thread.  It makes me feel that I am not alone, and that I can vent without being judged.  Much love!

No judgement here.  I am glad to know I am not alone either.  I agree that Obesity is a mental illness, maybe not for everyone but for me it sure is. 

Take care and may God blee you!