20 months out update, the good and bad

I am still varying btwn a size 6 and 9. That is after having spent over 15 years being only able to wear size 4x or 30 shirts from LB. I have gross loose skin, but I don't know what that amounts for, I will never or in the near future be able to afford any surguries.
It did not make anything better, I can still look at myself without clothing on and I feel as bad as I did before I started, but the difference being in that I can hide it in clothing. But while wearing the new clothing I feel so bad and out of sorts that it doesn't benefit me anyways.
I needed food, I lost that, I turned to alcohol, I have a problem now and suffering and often wonder which was better, to be suffering at 350 lbs but eat like a madman or be skinny and be an alcoholic. It all seems the same to me, really. The only advantage is that at least with alcohol you aren't wearing your symptoms as one does with obesity. So great, I've gained one advantage.
For the 1st yr + I didn't care about food and could never have eaten again. It was an amazing thing to me, something I never had before and I embraced it and stopped eating.
I developed a B1 deficiency and had severe neurological symptoms. (feet going completely numb for one)
I also lost my health ins at 1 yr out, so I have only had a 6 mos check up since surgery and nothing else, no checkups,  since I can't afford it, so as long as I can keep up with it I take daily:
Super B Complex
2 Citrical + Vit D
1 typical multivitan
1 typical Bioitin
1 sublingual B12

I did have to be in the ER once since a couple mos ago, they said my sodium level was dangerously low, I've added more salt since then and hoped it helped but cannot afford another level.

Now I am very hungry all of the time, so I constantly time food and calories and unless I drink and say screw it and don't eat, I do have to be careful but I'm not, btwn runs I feel like I am eating every hour, I've actually counted on non-drinking days 1800 calories. So I can go 3 days with eating nothing and no calories to eating 3 days in a row of eating upwards of 2000 cals. The few times I've gotten myself straight I feel ravenous and want to eat all day long and could probably consume thousands of calories when let be every hour on the hour and it scares me and I use it as an excuse not to 'get right' and quit the substances. If I can get right I can probably eat in between the mess and be ok, just not there yet. BUT
I fear that if I quit drinking for good I will gain every oz back.
My BF tells me what to do and all the ways normal people eat, i said, wait, I cannot eat like a normal person.
I keep seeing people from the over 1+yrs doing everything right and I don't get it. Have you still not gotten over the rush of getting thin and you are still going off of that?Have you consumed another addiction you aren't telling us? Have you gotten great therapy? How did you possibly get there? I feel like I am going to gain it all back or die, the surgery fixed nothing except to get me to a great weight but from there it is up to me, and there is nothing left of me to know how to go on from here..

I can assure you that you are not alone with trading addictions. I am going through the drinking thing and I know some others here are also. Its a very hard thing to admit and I give you credit for coming forward. I am almost 3 years out and struggle everyday with the alcohol and eating demands, and no WLS does not cure your head. I moved away from where I was going for group meetings and I know that would definetly help. I have gained 20 pounds over the last year and am really working on getting back on track. I know my tool still works because have been eating mostly protein all week and feel full with no need to graze on snacks. But then when the alcohol urge kicks in, the snacking begines, so its a battle. I think the thing with alcohol is the quick buzz that we get really makes me feel melow, but then have to really control it or I black out, which I know is a side affect from WLS. If I stop at 2-3 glasses of wine Im OK any more and Im in trouble. I was drinking whiskey and water (thinking the water was good for me) but whiskey  causes memory loss( a known fact ). Ive really cut back with trying to only have wine a couple times a week and I feel that its working for me, and only a couple glasses instead of drinking almost a bottle every night. Good luck to you and keep in touch, Deb

I wonder if people become alcoholics following wls because they absorb differently and become addicted faster?  I wish you well.  Daisy

Its typically just a transfer of addictions - from food over to alcohol... or to shopping, sex, drugs etc. I dont think the physical changes would effect how quickly they become addicted but its a good thought.

My BF tells me what to do and all the ways normal people eat, i said, wait, I cannot eat like a normal person. ...Have you still not gotten over the rush of getting thin and you are still going off of that?Have you consumed another addiction you aren't telling us?

I'm not sure what the rush of getting thin would be.  Is it same rush you get when you say: "Hey, I think I'm going to go skiing" or "Hey, I'm going to train for a 5K"  If I have any new addictions, it must be doing all the things I never could do before.

I think there was a quote from a recent Celebrity Rehab: "I know how to quit drugs, I don't know how to life my life without them, however."  And maybe something like that applies in that many folks probably don't know how to live their lives as a thin person.

Other than that, A) nobody tells me what to do (but me) and B) I think I eat like a normal person.

I know you've been struggling for awhile now and my heart truly goes out to you. I have not transfered addictions per say, but my OCD has gotten worse than it was before surgery. That's something that mostly effects me, so no harm no foul. I do deal with emotional eating and food addiction~neither of which is fun. I did therapy for awhile and I do have to say that it helped. It gave me some tools to use to help get thru the rough times. Are you in any therapy now? Would you consider giving it a try if you're not?? I don't know exactly how the alcohol works on your system so that you're not hungry~on the drinking days, what is your caloric intake from the alcohol?? Depending on what you're drinking, alcohol can be packed with empty calories. I'm not sure what constitutes being "normal" anymore. I think if I sat down at a table with 10 people that didn't know I had wls they would never guess that I had by what I was eating or how I was eating, so I guess maybe I am normal. My weight does fluctuate up and down some, but I think that's normal too.

Anyway, I can feel that pain in your words. I do not believe that you will gain the weight back if you give up the alcohol. I do believe that you would feel physically and mentally better without it. That being said, I do realize that alcohol addiction is a tough one to kick. It can be done, but it takes alot of hard work and you really have to want to do it. I know there are a few ladies around here trying to deal with this problem~maybe you could all reach out to each other and offer some help to one another. Please remember that we all have struggles and battles so most of us can empathize and understand where you're coming from.

((((HUGS))))))

thank you for sharing your story..
i look at myself without clothes in a bit of unhappiness.. but i look better with clothes on and so i am better off now than before.
as for the addictive habits..
i still have my addiction of food... still struggle with the same issues as before.. eating when not hungry.. making the wrong food choices.... unhealthy foods... food always on mind.. kind of thing... so i still struggle with that.. not a transfer of addictions.. still with the same one... it is a daily battle.. as the person mentioned before.. maybe counceling will help me.
i have been tempted to drink alcohol more than i should... but i am still nursing my 14 month old.. so that keeps me away.
but food is my demon.

i think talking about it is the first step for anyone with something they are strugging with.. then we can learn from others.. or maybe get an idea of how to better deal with our problem.

for me.. what helps is journaling and writing on this website.

There are all really good questions-- and I'll answer youas best I can--

Have you still not gotten over the rush of getting thin and you are still going off of that?
I never got a rush off being thin. I can see where that would wear off quickly, but since I never had it, I never lost it, to be honest. I didn't do this to be a size, but healthy-- and that I mostly have. I *do* miss the positive reinforcement of the scale changes though-- these past two weeks are the first time I haven't lost, and that used to be a kind of a shot in the arm.

Have you consumed another addiction you aren't telling us?
Maybe-- I like planning, and cooking, and eating (just in small amounts)...but since they're managed and not hurting me in any way I wouldn't call them addictions exactly. 

Have you gotten great therapy?
I've always had decent therapy-- but it's not WLS specific.

 How did you possibly get there?
The biggest single reason I am doing as well as I am at the moment is the interactions here. First, I read a lot and learned from other people. Now I makea point to try to pay that forward and help others-- by doing that it reinforces my own values and beliefs and strengthens me in weak places.

 I feel like I am going to gain it all back or die, the surgery fixed nothing except to get me to a great weight but from there it is up to me, and there is nothing left of me to know how to go on from here..
You don't have to do it forever--you just have to do it today. And tomorrow, decide to do it again, one more day. Make your menus more interesting-- it helps. Treat yourself kindly. Find ways to relax and find peace. It's all you can do.