I've really been struggling lately ... xpost

I have struggled with whether to share this or not. I don't want people to think badly of me. I absolutely am not interested in being berated or flamed. I do a good enough job of beating myself up. I decided to share this because I think that we have demons that we are fighting at one point or another and I hope that in sharing my own failure and fear that it will help someone else know that they are not alone and that together, we can conquer and learn to manage our weight and the triggers that threaten our weight loss and/or maintenance.

Many of you have known me for a while already know this. Those who are new may not. I struggle with and often succumb to severe, dibilitating Major Clinical Depression. You may notice that at times, I don't post as much. When I'm struggling, I tend to answer posts more and my answers may be very short ... sometimes people mistake this for my being upset with them, but it's that I'm struggling to think and function.

At any rate, as for most folks these days, life is stressful and when you add stress to depression, it makes a nasty combination.

I scared myself yesterday. I was in meltdown mode, crying off and on all day. I had made some cinnamon toast and hot tea for my daughter. I had a small piece. No problem. It's okay. But later, I when meltdown occurred, I had two, count them, two slices of challah cinnamon toast. It was like I was standing outside of myself having an out of body experience as I watched in terror at the old me and my old 'coping' mechanisms in full swing... It was terrifying and I couldn't, wouldn't stop. I just melted further into a deeper puddle of tears with the desperation, anger and guilt that surrounded my unteathered actions. I was amazed at how 'easily' I was able to gobble down the toast and how much I was able to consume. Of course, I didn't come close to dumping.

I was able to get myself stitched back together and I made better choices during most of the rest of the day, but the shear force of the urge to 'comfort' myself with food and then following through as I did, terrifies me and with good reason, I think. I don't want to end up where I was and I know that it's a slippery slope that I fell on. I've picked myself up and am in the process of trying to clean myself up and get back on firmer ground.

Barbara

thank you for your honesty.  I can totally relate to your experience and it scares me sometimes when I feel that demon on my shoulder urging me on to eat eat eat, even though in my head/logic I know it's not helping how I'm feeling.

But sometimes, the demon on my shoulder wins.  BUT and it's a big BUT, now we can stop at some point, like you were able to.  Before wls, I couldn't stop until the end of the day or the food ran out - literally!!  Now we are aware of what we are doing, whereas often before wls we weren't.

You should be very proud of yourself that you got yourself stitched back together, and made better choices for the rest of the day - well done you.

hugs, Ruth

First off, we would never think badly of you. We are all human and have demons that we struggle with. I have found myself in the exact same spot many, many times since having surgery. Sometimes I win, sometimes I fail~its a terrible, scary feeling. I don't have the tears (usually) b/c I have a hard time even expressing my stress or upset that much~I turn to stuffing food in my mouth as quickly as possible, without any regard to what it might do to me or how I will feel afterwards~I guess I use the food in place of tears or having a meltdown, so you are possibly a few steps ahead of me b/c at least you are able to let your emotions out somewhat. I *know* in my head that I always feel worse after I do it, but that's not enough to stop me. I first started having a problem with this at 2yrs post op and had to seek out a therapist that specialized in eating disorders. She helped me to sort thru some of it and taught me coping mechanisms to try to get thru these times. Now most of the time I make it thru and make the right decisions, but there are still those times when I fail and its so upsetting. My husband is very good hearted, but I know he doesn't really understand it all. You are always so helpful and such a source of inspiration around here, so I'm glad that you came here to look for a (((((((hug)))))) and some compassion in return for all of your kindness. Take it one day at a time and never give up!!!!

((HUGS))

I've been doing alot of thinking about this sort of thing lately. I think it's related to/sort of like teenagers who cut themselves and hurt themselves on purpose..It has to be related but we all do it. I do it. I KNOW I do it. My husband does it too. He usually destroys something other than himself but it's still related to the same thing. It's so evil and horrible...Why do we do things to ourselves when we feel bad? When we already feel bad, how does doing something MORE bad to ourselves make us feel better?

With so much pain going around we have to be gentle with ourselves. We have to.

Try not to worry over the slippery slope and one day of self described binging...It's not going to cause you miraculously to put on a hundred pounds from two pieces of toast.. That's the self talk of an addict...Quiet that voice and come on back...We're there for you too, just like you're there for us.

Hi Dawn,

Thanks for your lovely, thoughtful and supportive note. You might notice that I've been MIA for a while. I posted some things a couple of months a go when I started dropping weight like a stone. I honestly sort of freaked out because I lost about 7 or 8 lbs in span of a couple of weeks. At any rate, some on this board thought my posts and cross posts about it were funny and decided to make it a lovely topic of discussion on the Rants and Raves board. I normally never go there because it all feels too mean-spirited, but some well meaning soul decided to tell me about it and I just couldn't help myself. Since then, I've pretty much laid low and kept to myself. I even seriously wondered about my post today and xposting it, but then decided that I am not the person that those mean, rude people think I am and that I would reach out to others ... In doing so, I've found an enormous outpouring of support, compassion and suggestions. Thank you for adding to that support and compassion. I truly appreciate it.

Barb

Barb, I wasn't even aware that there was a "rants and raves" board~as always I'm completely out of the loop, LOL! But, I would never worry about those people saying those kinds of things anyway. I truly believe what comes around goes around so don't even aknowledge such nonsense!

Hi Tracy,

I think that you are probably right. I didn't 'acknowledge' the comments with any of my own, but I guess I did with my actions ... or lack of activity.

Thank you for always being so thoughtful and supportive. I appreciate it.

Barb

I think it takes a lot of guts to write what you did.  Having said that though...what is going to be your "next step"? Struggling with our food choices is going to be a life long struggle I've come to realize.  I don't intend to lose this fight but I'm only about 3 yrs out and already I'm losing some battles because dang it, I'm tired...I've worked all day...I don't WANNA cook....lol  Every old excuse to hit fast food.  I have fibromyalgia and just hauling my ass to work everyday is especially troublesome these days........I have alot of excuses why I can just give up and eat poorly.  But then I'll eventually lose the fight won't I?  I realized that I have to put systems into place so that I won't cheat without thinking it thru.  LIke being sure I have ready to grab fruit, protein from Trader Joe's, peanuts in individualizeed packages.....at least when I eat in between meals it's a good choice.  But sometimes, I say screw it and eat poorly and that's okay in moderation and as long as I am holding myself accountable for the decision. I didn't just let it happen to me, does that make sense?  I think to hold ourselves more accountable for what we're eating we need to accept that we make the choice on what we're eating.  If we make ourselves think it thru then we are less apt to follow thru on the cheat. 

It's all a mind game isn't it? The key is to find the game that works best for you and then put those systems into place to help you stay on track.  Plus having a task really helps us feel more involved with the journey overall I think. 

Another thing to remember is this..........eating is a symptom.  What is underlying the eating behavior?  Losing weight does not remove the other issues that made us fat in the first place.  At some point we have to get into our heads and deal with those issues.  Counselling can really help with that if you're like me, I do better praying to the big man and journalling.  I find answers that way.  You gotta find what helps you.

Good luck as you walk your walk......and I hope that you find whatever system will help you stay on task.  The task?  Eating healthy:-)  Will keep you in my prayers....

Hi Carol,

It's nice to meet you and I appreciate your words of wisdom. I agree that recognize that a problem exists is not enough. It is necessary to have a plan of action. I actually do have a program that I'm working through and get counseling. I may need to step it up some, but I haven't been doing this without thought or plan. I guess that is part of what I found so incredibly disarming, I thought I had tools and mechanisms in place to help me recognize the warning signs and help me make better choices. I found that when I'm most vulernable, I'm still in a dangerous place and I need to re-evaluate so that I can better support myself for the long haul. Please don't hear me giving up. I'm not! Not by a long shot. I guess what I was trying to say is that I had a VERY RUDE awakening that nearly scared the proverbrial pants off of me.

I generally eat 5 to 6 times a day. I lead with lean protien, I follow with complex carbs. I keep high protien snack available. I keep dangerous contraband out of the house ... for the most part and I am the queen of accountability... I religiously weigh myself and log my intake and activity ... yes, I even logged the cinnamon toast. To be honest, the cinnamon toast in itself, wasn't so awful, it was just a blip on the radar. It was the behavior that terrified me. It was the fact that when in the midst of a serious depressive episode resulting in a melt-down, I was not able to employ the tools that I had so carefully put in place.

Soooooo, to answer your question. I'm going to re-evaluation my plan to try to identify the weak spots and find some ways to strengthen it so that the next time I have a serious depressive episode that results in a melt-down hopefully, I'll be able to avail myself of the tools I need to ensure that I don't undo all of the work I've done to rid myself of that extra person I used to carry with me and all of the health and quality of life compromises that came with that 'dead' weight.

Thank you again for asking the 'tough love' questions.

Barb

Barb, most of us here turn to food when we're upset. Shoot, I do it when I'm happy, mad, excited about something coming on TV, just about any reason. Just try to put the toast incident into perspective. You ate something you shouldn't have eaten, but it's not the end of the world. Don't feel like you're a loser just because you ate some toast. I do that sometimes - I'll think "Well, you've blown it, might as well eat a box of Little Debbies." You'll make some bad choices, but as long as your good ones come more often than the bad ones, you'll be OK.