Bulimia
My life has been reduced to tatters in the past two years. I had my DS in 2004. I lost 156 pounds (on a good day). My weight fluctuates by 10 pounds. I throw up 9-12 times a month (I should say I exhibit the behavior pattern, because I have to purge again and again and again to get it all up). I weigh 148 pounds. My husband and I have decided that I must enter a treatment facility (a day program) to deal with the problem once and for all. My assessment is on Wednesday. I need support.
My anxiety is so intense every day that I feel I can't catch my breath at times. I don't know how to deal with my own problems anymore. I have had 3 minor fender benders in 3 months. I continuously have focus and concentration problems. My libido does not exist. The drugs they prescribed to help me get through this (Topamax and Prozac) seem to make me more depressed, not less. My feelings about my own looks and my own body image are wholly out of touch with reality. I hate my looks. I feel fat and unlovable. I don't think that anyone could ever love someone like me, even though my husband obviously does not feel that way. My eating disorder has consumed every aspect of my life.
My husband is traveling in Europe on business for the next two weeks and I am home alone. All I keep thinking about is my loneliness and how terrible I am feeling.
I guess what I am asking for is some support from my OH family. I know it is a lot to ask, considering the fact that I did this to myself and my problems are self inflicted in many ways, but I could really use bolstering from a loving community right now.
My anxiety is so intense every day that I feel I can't catch my breath at times. I don't know how to deal with my own problems anymore. I have had 3 minor fender benders in 3 months. I continuously have focus and concentration problems. My libido does not exist. The drugs they prescribed to help me get through this (Topamax and Prozac) seem to make me more depressed, not less. My feelings about my own looks and my own body image are wholly out of touch with reality. I hate my looks. I feel fat and unlovable. I don't think that anyone could ever love someone like me, even though my husband obviously does not feel that way. My eating disorder has consumed every aspect of my life.
My husband is traveling in Europe on business for the next two weeks and I am home alone. All I keep thinking about is my loneliness and how terrible I am feeling.
I guess what I am asking for is some support from my OH family. I know it is a lot to ask, considering the fact that I did this to myself and my problems are self inflicted in many ways, but I could really use bolstering from a loving community right now.
Mary,
First of all stop beating your self up! Your problems are not self inflicted. Most of us have issues after surgery. We are always here to help you!
Second, have you had your labs done recently? So many of your symptoms are possibly due to vitamin deficiencies. If you haven't seen your surgeon or PCP, please do so.
I'm so glad you're reaching out for help!
Michele
First of all stop beating your self up! Your problems are not self inflicted. Most of us have issues after surgery. We are always here to help you!
Second, have you had your labs done recently? So many of your symptoms are possibly due to vitamin deficiencies. If you haven't seen your surgeon or PCP, please do so.
I'm so glad you're reaching out for help!
Michele
Your post just broke my heart. I am so glad you felt you could come here and tell us what you've been going through. I know virtually nothing about your cir****tances, BUT I do not agree that you "did this to yourself" or that you have "self-inflicted" problems. I appreciate it that you are trying to be accountable, but I also know that addictive/compulsive behaviors take on a life of their own, regardless of how hard we may try or desire to change them.
My shame over my own compulsive overeating was NOTHING compared to my shame over the role I might have unknowingly played in contributing to one of our daughters' anorexia (which she suffered from for 3 years--she has been in recovery for about 9 years).
I hope you are able to get the help you are looking for. It sounds like you are taking the necessary steps, beginning with an assessment on Wed. It's unfortunate that your husband has to be gone right now, but I hope you will still be able to move forward w/ your treatment.
I will be looking for your posts letting us know how you are doing. This is one place you can safely come without fear of judgment.
My shame over my own compulsive overeating was NOTHING compared to my shame over the role I might have unknowingly played in contributing to one of our daughters' anorexia (which she suffered from for 3 years--she has been in recovery for about 9 years).
I hope you are able to get the help you are looking for. It sounds like you are taking the necessary steps, beginning with an assessment on Wed. It's unfortunate that your husband has to be gone right now, but I hope you will still be able to move forward w/ your treatment.
I will be looking for your posts letting us know how you are doing. This is one place you can safely come without fear of judgment.
Always,
Jo
Bless your heart!
Please feel like you can come here for support--that is why we are here. Did you visit the addictions forum, there also may be some on there that are in your same perdiciment? I will be praying for you today! I think it is good that you are going to a treatment facility, admitting there is a problem is half the battle. You will make it through this, we are here for you. Love and hugs, Penni
Please feel like you can come here for support--that is why we are here. Did you visit the addictions forum, there also may be some on there that are in your same perdiciment? I will be praying for you today! I think it is good that you are going to a treatment facility, admitting there is a problem is half the battle. You will make it through this, we are here for you. Love and hugs, Penni
Hi Mary,
God, I heard my demons talking when I read your post. Do you remember how you felt when your patterns first started? Any idea what the trigger is?
I ask because lately I feel the need to be compulsive or express some sort of addictive desire. It's strange. Sometimes I think the fear of me waking up MO again is behind all of this. After a lifetime of obesity it's hard to accept that I can remain at a normal weight for the rest of my life. So here I sit, pretty normal to the rest of the world. People tell me I'm pretty and seem shocked to hear I've had WLS - but I don't hear what they actually say to me. Instead, I hear "you're pretty because you have your make-up on" or "they didn't know I had WLS because this sweater covers my saggy arms." I get all tense and twisted inside - it festers and then I need an outlet.
What's my outlet? Well, the truth is addiction scares me so I never stick with one thing too long. This week the addiction/compulsive behavior may be jellybeans, next week it's a super strict diet, the next week it's wine, the next week it's cigarettes (even though I don't smoke). Something about the compulsion is soothing, even though it encourages the cylce of anxiety and despair. I flirt with some pretty dangerous compulsions/addictive behaviors and have a huge fear that I won't be able to stop one day. I don't know what to do about it. Am I crazy? Is that why I do it?
I've never been so honest about my issues before this post. I just wanted to let you know that your honesty hit home with me. In turn, I wanted you to know you aren't alone. My guess is that many post-ops struggle. It's harder to be honest and do something about it then to continue on the path you're on. Trust that your husband loves you and trust that you are worthy - just trust what you cannot wrap your mind around today. Use that trust to get help. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you keep us in the loop.
God, I heard my demons talking when I read your post. Do you remember how you felt when your patterns first started? Any idea what the trigger is?
I ask because lately I feel the need to be compulsive or express some sort of addictive desire. It's strange. Sometimes I think the fear of me waking up MO again is behind all of this. After a lifetime of obesity it's hard to accept that I can remain at a normal weight for the rest of my life. So here I sit, pretty normal to the rest of the world. People tell me I'm pretty and seem shocked to hear I've had WLS - but I don't hear what they actually say to me. Instead, I hear "you're pretty because you have your make-up on" or "they didn't know I had WLS because this sweater covers my saggy arms." I get all tense and twisted inside - it festers and then I need an outlet.
What's my outlet? Well, the truth is addiction scares me so I never stick with one thing too long. This week the addiction/compulsive behavior may be jellybeans, next week it's a super strict diet, the next week it's wine, the next week it's cigarettes (even though I don't smoke). Something about the compulsion is soothing, even though it encourages the cylce of anxiety and despair. I flirt with some pretty dangerous compulsions/addictive behaviors and have a huge fear that I won't be able to stop one day. I don't know what to do about it. Am I crazy? Is that why I do it?
I've never been so honest about my issues before this post. I just wanted to let you know that your honesty hit home with me. In turn, I wanted you to know you aren't alone. My guess is that many post-ops struggle. It's harder to be honest and do something about it then to continue on the path you're on. Trust that your husband loves you and trust that you are worthy - just trust what you cannot wrap your mind around today. Use that trust to get help. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you keep us in the loop.
I don't have any words of wisdom. But PLEASE don't beat yourself up. I went through a period in my life pre-WLS where I battled bullimia too. I know that scared feeling that you are talking about. I actually got down close to the weight I am now, but BOY did I just not look healthy. Of course I didn't realize this until later, looking at some pictures. I didn't require treatment...I finally confessed what was going on to my dad...somehow just facing up to it helped me. It was a long road. Only by the grace of God was able to overcome it. You will too. I wish you all of the best.
I'm so sorry you're going thru this and please know you can come here ANYTIME for support!!!!! You're a beautiful, strong woman and you'll get thru this. I'm glad to hear that you're seeking help~I hope you can find some answers and some comfort.
((((HUGS)))))))
((((HUGS)))))))
~*~Tracy B~*~
328/160 *** 5'9"
start/current
Addressing your problem is courageous and is a step in the right direction and by seeking help and entering a treatment program I hope that you receive the help you need to stop the purgeing and learn to love yourself for the beautiful person you are. Please let us know how you are doing and don't hesitate to come here for support and friendship.
Hugs
Sher
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