Need Help - Have Lost Control - Sorry - Super-Long

Hi.  This is really long - sorry.  I need help and don't know where to post this - maybe I just mostly need to get this all out because I need someone to talk to.  But I figured help from WLS Grads would be much more helpful to me than anywhere else because you've been here for the longer haul for the most part.  Nothing against newbies at all, heck I'm still one, but I'm not sure newer people would have the experience to help me right now.   I've lost control all of a sudden and am in tears and don't know what to do.  My eating problem before involved a lot of "hidden" binge eating when no one else was around.  When I'd lose weight and people commented on the loss, it would be like I'd freak out and just start eating everything in sight and sometimes wouldn't even realize how much I'd eaten until I went to throw something else in the garbage and saw all the other empty wrappers, or dirty dishes in the sink.  It would be like I was in a blind trance.  Food was the first and last thing on my mind every day - I'd wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and start thinking of what I could have that day since I'd be home and off work and my husband would be at work all day.  Serious foodaholic and binger. I got psych help for 6 mionths prior to and just after my RNY for this issue and worked through some issues (now I'm thinking - did I really work through them??).  I haven't had any thoughts of food other than the "normal" reminding myself I have to eat even though I'm not hungry and concentrating on getting my proteins in.  I've been working out on my bowflex and walking on my treadmill, plus walking every lunch hour at work.  Today it finally hit me that I'm totally screwing up right now and have been doing it for over a week without really thinking about it until this afternoon when my pouch is hurting and my throat is growling at me - duh, way too full!   I had my 6-month check-up last Friday (May 2).  My doctor said I'm doing awesome - only 15 pounds and .5 BMI away from their one-year goal for me.  She did some muscle checks (had me lift head like a crunch, lift legs and arms), so she could see how my muscles are doing - she said I have excellent muscle tone and that will work in my favor when we start looking at doing plastics, because I'll have muscles under the fat that will start to show up nicely.  I don't know why, but hearing that made me feel really numb, tingly and strange all day - thinking of being small enough that my muscles will show - how strange!!  Then she asked what my goal was for myself and I said I wanted to lose 25-30 more pounds, but she said that she didn't want me to lose more than 15 more pounds.  I asked why and she said when we removed skin, that excess tummy skin would probably come in at around 5-10 pounds and she didn't want me to end up loosing too much weight.  Losing too much weight - that sounds so impossible to me.  How could the words "lose too much weight" ever be said when talking about me??? And so today I find myself sitting on the couch, eating the second of 2 sf ice cream bars for the day and in tears because I realize I'm doing it again with the binging and hiding food and that I have been doing it since last weekend.  I made spaghetti (used shell noodles instead of long spaghetti because he likes the shapes!) for my husband the night before last and for the past two nights, when my husband has gone outside for his necessary one of four cigarettes a day while I'm fixing dinner, I've reheated spaghetti for him and eaten four or five of the shells each night.  When he comes back in, I stick to my 1/2 cup of cottage cheese or 3 ounces of meat (I've got chicken & steak pre-cooked in the fridge at all times because I like cold meat).  Today I knew I was working from home, so after running to town for some stuff, I stopped by the store, got two hard rolls and some roast turkey breast from the deli (actual turkey breast, not the deli slices).  I knew in my mind that I was going to eat a sandwich when I got home.  Now typically I can't tolerate pasta, bread, or rice at all, but for the past couple days I've been eating it and it's been working fine - which isn't a good thing.  I made a sandwich, started eating it, felt bad and fed the rest to the dog (it's the neighbor's dog, but they don't mind him being over here because they know we love their dog as much as they do - he's the sweetest old black lab).  Then I had the first of the ice cream bars.  Then felt sick, had to lay down and fell asleep for about an hour.  Got up, went right to the freezer, ate the second ice cream bar, looked at the bread, decided I was too full to try it, and grabbed my water bottle instead.  I hurried and took the rest of the ice cream bars and threw them out in the big outside garbage can.  I should probably do the same thing with the bread, but I haven't been able to talk myself into that yet.  I never craved sweets during my binging sessions - it was also nacho chips with melted cheese dipped in queso dip or breads and pastas.  But I've been "catching myself" eating things frequently all week - a few nuts here and then again there, a few cheez-its here and there, a couple bites of this protein bar or that one - and all this mixed in with my good for me protein foods.  I have been constantly snacking and eating all day long, everytime my pouch no longer feels full, I eat a handful of something.  I've been doing so well - I have lots of cottage cheese, meat, yogurt (which I discovered I LOVE the Dannon 0% Plus yogurt), sliced almonds, AchievOnes, Isopure drinks (which I also LOVE) and roasted veggies (also like those leftover and cold).  So, it's not like I don't know how to eat right and have the right things available right in the fridge, so I don't know why I'm doing this.  Maybe just talking about it and getting it out will help.  My psych I was seeing is on vacation for three weeks and the others in the office are so backed up none of them can see me, plus they feel it's best to continue the work with my own psych because she knows me so well.  I don't think I'm eating again because of the same old food issues - I had lots of issues around being abused by my dad when I was a little girl, then him doing it to my sister and me not being "good enough" to protect her.  But I have worked through that and know none of that was my fault.  But apparently that wasn't the only reason I ate like I did when people commented on my weight loss or me looking good.  Because I'm doing it again.  I've had so many people complimenting me this week and I just feel dizzy about it.  Women actually coming up and telling me how beautiful they think I am and that they can't believe the difference in me.  Men telling me how terrific I look and how happy they see me now - always smiling.  It scares the hell out of me that I'm going to fail again, like I've always done before.  People start complimenting me, then I gain it all back and feel like a failure in everyone's eyes. Sorry so long - if anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it.  Part of me keeps screaming inside and the other part is saying "it's not so bad, you can't eat as much as before, so "pigging out" isn't the same as before, but you're still screwing up."  I feel like I'm going crazy and am so lost.

I know EXACTLY what you are saying!  I am 3 1/2 years out and I have slowly gained weight 37.4 lbs (over the last year) back!  I am here to tell you, if you don't get help now, you WILL end up gaining.  I could eat and eat and eat and NEVER gain a thing.  Then, all of a sudden, it was a 1lb one month, then another lb until the total hit 37.4 lbs when I weighed in the other day.  It's frightening!  I have already contacted my Dr and my mental health center!  I am out of control!  I KNOW if I don't get some helo, I WILL, at some point, end up where I came from.  No sugar coating it!  It's a FACT!  I know three other people who have had WLS surgery.  One gained ALL of her weight back over 10 years.  The other gained 70 lbs back over 10 years and last summer went to her Dr and got Adepex and has since lost it all again.  The other lady had gained over half of what she lost back.  I DON'T want to FAIL!  It's as Gina Gore (the Headbattles website that was a GODSEND and is no longer available) said, if you don't cure those headbattles, you are not fixed!  I will keep you in prayer (as I will myself!!!!).  Stay stong....and get HELP NOW!

OK ,  #1  STOP beating yourself up, your human.  We all had this surgery to loose weight, gain our health back and live a longer and healthier life.  I think the more you think about it the more you think about it,  My whole family has had RNY, and we all eat as "normal" people do, smaller portions, but pretty much anything and everything.  We do all weigh every day, some say never weigh every day, but this is exactly how the others gained their weight back, because they got out of the routien, There are some days when some of us in my family  just cant seem to get full and it feels like we have eaten a ton.  Were not couch potatoes anymore, but none of us us a treadmill or any type of excercise equipment, but I garden grow flowers work.  As far as all of your compliments, thats great and it feels so good to have people look you over and check you out, (or at least I love the compliments, and that keeps me motivated.)  I'm not saying go ahead and eat everything in sight, but pay attention to you food, look at it savor it, TASTE IT, dot eat while watching tv, or reading, If you feel hungry, grab a slice of rolled up deli turkey breast, and go back to the basics Protien, protien, protien first, then if you want the ice cream, or anything else, you wont eat as much of the bad stuff, and if you go off for a day, thats ok,  you should give your body a break.  Still if I want to loose a couple of pounds, I EAT, forget the protien, and have at it.  Your body needs a jolt to get it going again, and another good idea to help you forget past problems, or get something off your chest, write it down on paper, take it outside and burn it, ITS gone,   You would be supprised how well this works.  Sorry if I rambled on, but I think you will be ok you you will your self.  Sometimes when others fail, their surgery failed them.  But seriously, weigh everyday, try to eat protien first, and YES the scales will fluctuate up a couple down a couple, the thing is if you see its going up 4 or 5 pounds, you can still nip it in the bud and get back on track.  Good luck to you.  What works for me and my family may not work for everyone, but were happy healthy and normal BMI, I have lost 150#, goal hubby, 160#,goal 1 daughter has lost 250#,goal the other daughter 110# 10# to goal.  I'm 6 years post op, hubby and 1 daughter are 3 years post op, and our other daughter is 1 year post op.  Rose

I went for a long walk tonight and talked to myself and spent some time alone - it actually ended up being the most relaxing time I've had in weeks.  Thank you so much for your kind words, advice and help.  I actually found myself smiling the more I read.  I feel better knowing I've got people like you to help talk me through these things.  I like the writing it down and burning idea - I will most definitely try that one!!  I need to learn to not freak out so much when I get compliments - you'd think they'd make me feel good, too, but they just scare me - I've never liked being noticed, I've always liked to blend into the background.  Maybe once people get used to seeing me smaller, the compliments will stop and I'll feel more "unnoticeable" again. Again, thanks for your help!  I feel so much better already and know that I just need to concentrate on getting back on track - protein, protein, protein!!  I know I've definitely been getting less than I'm supposed to this week since I've been filling up on other stuff, so that's my goal to get through the weekend by filling up on protein, not carbs!!

It's amazing how hard it is to accept compliments isn't it.  But it's not impossible to learn how.   Imagine that you are a garden.  Over the years you have filled your garden with shrubs and weeds to hide the true inner beauty of the garden.  As you lose weight, it's like the overgrown shrubs are being pruned back and the weeds are being pulled, leaving empty space in the flower beds.  Each compliment you receive is a flower seed;  you can chose to accept the seed by allowing it to fall gently into your flower bed, or you can let the wind come and take it away. It will be difficult at first to accept the seeds, and most may get blown away, but the more you allow to settle (by just saying 'thankyou' internally or to the person giving the compliment, and not emotionally or verbally brushing them off), the easier it gets. Eventually you will find that your flower beds are so fertile from the flowers already growing there that future seeds will fall easily and get rooted quicky. Keep practicing and you will find you have a garden full of colour and beauty.

Wow Ruth, that's a beautiful way to look at it. I have always had a hard time taking a compliment, but now maybe I can keep your analogy in my head and learn to accept them gracefully. Thanks for that!

You absolutely did the right thing in taking a walk. I have a house full of stuff I can not eat also because my husband and son eat it. How many times could you let a giant chocolate cake sit on the counter until it actually grew MOLD before WLS? Not me! I was eating half that cake in a night. But now, when I get those feelings like I want some, I go for a walk or do something that takes me AWAY from the problem for a while. Then when I come back, the problem doesn't seem so large and seems more manageable.  Until you can get to see your psych, keep the walking going. My thing is to clean. I clean the bathrooms from top to bottom. I have the cleanest bathrooms in California, I swear. LOL but that chocolate cake grew mold without one bite hitting my lips and that's fine with me!

Hi, LizzyBear... Going for a walk is a really good idea to clear your mind and help your body.  Another distractor is to take a shower not only because you are away from food, but because you can see the improvements of the WLS in the commando state.  You're losing!  Why "give up" on the improvement that you can see?   As for others' compliments, until you get used to hearing them, simply think of it as someone wishing you "Happy Birthday"... and you say, "Thank You!"  It becomes easier with time. It takes a LONG time to resolve being abused.  It becomes part of your past over time, but never disappers.  Perhaps you are having a bit of pre-Mother's Day anxiety, if you are going to see your parents tomorrow.  If so, keep it brief and pleasant.  Add as much joy to your life as you can... you deserve it. I recently made this comment on another board, but it may help you too:  So many people have mentioned that they were sexually abused early in life. Later the pound layered-on almost like a protective shield. I'd list that as an "emotional" trigger. Diet...lose weight...become vunerable... or Diet..but I'll lose weight...and I'll be vunerable again = "I can't stick to my diet" = Safer Fat! You might want to read the Beck Diet Solution, which uses cognitive behavior techniques to redirect your thoughts about eating.   You've had your WLS, which indicates that you are ready to release yourself from the extra weight and move forward in your life.  Good Job! Ro

Thank you so much for your kind words and helpful advice.  I feel less crazy now, like I can breathe again.  I actually have the Beck Diet Solution book - it was recommended to me by a close friend who said it would really help me and after reading about it I agreed, so I bought it and then never read it.  I recorded the Nascar race today for my hubby because he was at work when the race started and he's just started watching the tape.  So, I'm going to go walk on the treadmill for a little while, and then I'm going to take a long relaxing bath and start reading that book.  It's definitely time to do that - I need to do that for myself.  Thank you again for being here for me and to help me.  I feel better knowing I made the right decision to ask for help before I got any further out of control.  You are all the best!!!!

Most of the things you mention aren't bad for you. Almost any meat is good. Turkey is ok. As for a sandwish, look for very low carb bread or wraps and roll it up! As for the spaghetti, pick out the meat and sauce and have at it! I eat chicken parm all the time with the sauce, and either use Dreamfeild's noodles, or skip them. Don't beat yourself up so much. Think about what it is you are eating, and see if it's really ok to have, just adjust for low carbs and lower calories. Yogurt and cottage cheese don't fill me up like meats and firmer cheeses do. Protein drinks are great snacks, but if you find yourself looking for food after drinking one, you may need to eat firm meats, like chicken, fish or beef, and save the protein drink for a snack 1-2 hours after your meals.

Write down what you're eating and when. Don't lie to yourself about it. See if maybe you're really hungry, and need to change what you have as your regular meals. Remember you mentioned being too full to eat that second sandwich? I always feel full after my meals, because I eat at least 4-5 oz of meat or cheese, then any veggies I have room for. I don't pack it in, but I am full when I eat. So looking for more food within a couple of hours is useless! I'm very happy with this situation. So try to look at your actual meals for a few days. Then adjust. You're not doing bad on food as it is. Fear will make you panic, and maybe overeat too. So relax, and remember how well you are doing. Don't feel like you are cheating when you plan to have something your husband is eating, work it into your meal plan for the day, this is what normal people do. I used to binge alone, because I was ashamed of how much I ate. Now I make sure I eat in front of my husband, even if I am eating a small bit of food I normally wouldn't include for myself. A couple fries from his plate, and I feel NORMAL. I just make sure I have very dense meats or cheese first.  AS to the nuts, they are a decent snack. Just limit the amount. Your trick of throwing away food you don't feel safe around is a good one! I dump napkins on my baked potato after a few bites, so I won't feel tempted. Or eat a small package of peanuts, and pour the last half in the garbage. This helps me.  Also, for many people who post here, going through the pantry, and shelves and tossing all tempting foods has worked well. Ask hubby to eat off limits foods outside the house. No more cheezits allowed in your home! Then prepare similiar meals for you both. Try not to cook extras of those things that call your name sitting in the fridge, like noodles.

Between meals, when you feel that empty feeling, try water loading. This is when you drink a good bit of water, and then sip more until you feel full. This usually lasts about 20-30 minutes, then you do it again, unless it's time for a snack, or 30 minutes before a meal. Since you recognize the danger signals on wanted to eat, you have to have a plan in place to handle it. Walking away from the food is a good part of it, planning to have a small amount of something You like and is good for you  is another. Tossing the offending food is another thing. Better in the garbage than on your hips!

The reality is, your binge is nothing compared to before surgery. But don't let it creep back. Use all your strategies to stay on track. You can do this.

The compliments will probably continue. That's not something I can help with, but you may become more relaxed about them as time goes on.