Trying to fill the empty hole with food?

I must have a HUGE hole because I have been filling myself with food since I was a child. I was not hurt by my parents, nor did I go without food or anything, but I have always had this attachment to food. It is my safety blanket......"my blankie" LOL Seriously, I was not overweight as a kid, nor did I have a reason that I could see as to why I was so attached to food! I would get anxiety if I would go spend the night with a friend because I thought I may not get enough to eat!!! CRAZY huh? I mean, if I had been starved and locked in a closet, ok, I can see why I may have been that way, but nope, we were really pretty normal growing up so WHY I am so messed up in the head now?? I didn't get big until after having my 2 babies, and I gained over 100 pounds and I could not lose it and I tried for 3 years. So, I had WLS and I lost the weight, but not the crazy "head talk". I don't know why I fill myself up with food. Maybe I need to pray more, because God will always give us what we can't give or do for ourselves. Take care, Lorri

Lorri, I had a very similar experience. I was a skinny kid too. I didn't think about food much as a child. My parents were fairly normal too. My mother is obese. She was always one to fix everything with food. Bored? Eat. Tired? Eat. Have friends over? Eat. Food was the center of our existence. That, I believe, is where the problem lies. It has almost become instinct to eat all the time in good times to celebrate, in bad times to feel better. And every time in between. I do believe prayer and meditation is probably the best defense against this problem. I'm going to work much harder at that.

I would get anxiety if I would go spend the night with a friend because I thought I may not get enough to eat!!! OMG, I used to be the same way.  That is so strange to see someone else write that.  I honestly thought I was the only one.  It's weird to read, then re-read that sentence.  It brings a tear to my eye.  I used to hide under my bed and eat Little Debbie's Nutty Buddy's.  My earliest recollection of this was when I was in Pre-Kindergarten.  That is insane to me.  I know I have a real problem.  I'm not as obsessed with my next meal as I once was, but I still think about food constantly, especially when  I feel hungry or deprived.  I'm setting small goals first.  I need to up my protein with each meal to help me feel fuller longer.  I'm not going to cut out all carbs because deprivation does not work for me.  I struggle with hunger.  This past week, I tried to stay on a schedule.  Breakfast: 9:00 a.m. Lunch:  12:00 p.m. Snack:  3:00 p.m. Dinner:  5:30-6:00 p.m. Snack:  7:00 p.m. Between 12:00 and 3:00 I get SOOOOOO hungry.  I can't wait for 3 to roll around and by the time it does, I'm ravenous.  If I get to the ravenous state, that's not a good thing.  It seems like it takes a lot to fill me up then.  I get in that mode.  So I've got to find something fulfilling and low calorie to fill me up at 3. I'm rambling......sorry.  Writing it down helps me deal with my thoughts and sort through all the feelings a bit.  Sorry to thread-jack! :~)

As you can see, you are not crazy, nor are you alone.  I, too, struggled with the empty hole syndrome.   What I have realized in the 5 years since having the surgery is that it is not "all about me".  When I was heavy I was very self consumed.  Everything was about me....when I was going to eat, what I was going to eat, oh no...I can't fit that dress, I wish I could wear that....me, me, me.  I thought the cure for all of my troubles would be to lose the weight.  What happened after that was more self centeredness.  My every waking thought was about meeting "my" goal weight so "I" could be healthy and so on.  I shopped til I dropped, I started going out and making new friends, going to places that gave me excitement.  Hell, I was excited about life for the first time.  But, at the end of the day, I still felt empty.  I shopped myself into debt, drank myself into an addiction, crashed and burned.  ‘All of this in the quest to fill that "hole"....to make me feel "okay" with me. 

 

 

Understand that by day I was a logical, creative, respectable thinker.  That was my "job".  That is not who I was as a person, not really.  I had more discipline on my job that I did in my personal life, hence my relationship with food and other substances. I guess where I am going with this is to say, I thought I had it all together, too.  I have only been able to fill the "HOLE" by doing some really self analysis and being VERY honest with myself, which was to start out by acknowledging that I really didn't know who I was.  I also began to develop a relationship with my higher power which completely filled the gap or hole that was once there.  I realize that I have a purpose in life, and it is not about what I want or what I need.  It is about helping others, being compassionate enough to sacrifice your time to do something for someone else.  Being of maximum service to others has given me joy like no pair of jeans ever has.   My suggestion is that you start to seek your purpose in life.  Get closer to your higher power and ask for the knowledge and strength to live in a manner that will leave behind a great legacy.  That doesn't mean you will become suddenly perfect, but it will help you to begin to love yourself like you have never done before. Just my 2 cents!  God Bless!

Thank you. That makes complete sense. I've been trying to work on hooking up with my higher power. Its much more difficult than it used to be but I'm going to keep at it.

Hey! Just wanted to say congrats on your five years!  You look fabulous!  Beautiful!  And your post is right on too. I think I'm lucky in that I did a good 15 years of soul searching journey before surgery(serious demons to face in my closet ) and so it was somewhat of an easy transition already having gotten to know me...but You hit that right on...It means the world of difference to come down from that "me me me" cloud and get to know yourself as a someone with a purpose...and without the shallow me me me...but the deeper one with wisdom and self love... Great advice and great insight!   Hugs Anita

Judy, you're preaching to the choir here.  I acknowledged, long before my surgery, that I am a compulsive eater.  Surgery did not 'fix' that.  I began seeing a therapist weekly who specializes in eating disorders last May, a month before my surgery.  I am still in therapy weekly, and while I recognize better where some of my 'issues' are coming from, I am no closer to controlling my compulsive behaviors.  I will keep trudging along in therapy and doing the best I can to control my compulsiveness.  What else can I do? For me, recognizing that I am not really hungry doesn't seem to aid me in not eating.  You are not alone and I empathize with you.  I wish I had the answers for both of us,  maybe one day.

Bonnie, Have you tried meditation or prayer? Did it help at all? I'm hoping it can help me. I've gone down the therapy road and it does help somewhat but I'm thinking I have to work on my "spiritual" side more than my "thinking" side that is addressed in therapy. I hope I'm on the right track.