Hate Myself

Well, I am generally a reader these days..or better yet, a lurker.  I try to post when I see something that I think I can input on....and I try not to post as a whiner..or complainer...but I just need to get something off my chest..and nobody around me..would really understand...but I know you all will..... Most of you know my story.  Started at 340...and lost and lost and lost. I ended up at 155 (which was 15 lbs. higher then my personal goal...and 20 lbs. lower then my doctor's actual goal...even though I talked him into 165lbs.).  Well, at 155 lbs.. I still wanted to lose, but knew by looking in the mirror (honestly) that I was too thin.  The idea of gaining weight back..made me sick..but the process needed to be done.  I ate more calories, started to eat things I shouldn't...and gained.  I weighed between 160 and 165.  I would flucuate within that 5 lb. range.  I still hated it...wanted the 150s...but felt that I could deal with it.  Well, Christmas comes and goes...conferences come and go..and I am now at 175 lbs.  I look the healthiest that I have in two years..  I have people who say I finally look good... BUT I HATE IT...and I HATE ME!!!!   My clothes are tight, I feel that I have an inner tube inside of me and that I am bloated..  I am sure I have stretched my pouch (doubt it, but you know the issues), I feel that I am no longer a loser...but now I am a loser...   I am going back to a protein shake for breakfast, a yogurt for lunch, a cracker or two as a snack, and a light dinner.  I need to lose weight.... I need to find a way of losing........... I know that I sound like I am whining..  I know that I should be satisifed with being healthy...but I feel sooooooooo awful now.  I hate me, I hate everything about me, and I just don't know what to do.  I want a revision... I want them to do a gastric sleeve on my pouch... I am thinking of over-the counter diet aides, I have used bowel preps on sundays to clean me out...  DONT tell me to see a shrink...  I just don't know what to do...  How does one lose weight...after losing so much weight???  HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daniel, I'm not sure what to say on your post, I totally understand where you are coming from and the regain.  My lowest was 119 lbs(too low) then I maintained in the 125 lb area for quiet some time....slowly but surely I was a lb creep up....my surgeon's goal was 130 lbs....mine initially was anything below that.   I had allot happen in the last 8 months and then got away from OH due to a family move, selling a house and then having to buy something else.  I then say 134.8 lbs and about freaked out.  I did the 5 day pouch test www.5daypouchtest.com and regained control.  I've religiously been putting my daily intake into www.fitday.com and coming to the boards for support and understanding, but mostly I feel accountable as I put my daily intake out for the world to see.  Now instead of just putting something in my mouth, I think about it first (most of the time, I'm a work in progress, lol). What I'll say to you is you have to find that point that you feel in control and are happy with yourself; however, saying that we know how eating disorders affect some WLS patients, don't let that become your problem please. I wish you the best, try to look at yourself in a positive light you cannot function and do what you need to do if you have negative energy about the regain....it's about control and daily progress, YOU CAN DO IT! Good luck,

Just exercise.  No more stinkin' thinkin'.  God... I swear you and I live on the same screwy planet! :) Smooches on your forehead!

Daniel - Curious about your comment, "DON'T tell me to see a shrink".  It's great that you are putting your feelings on line so that others who have been through a situation like yours can give you feedback.  Sounds like you're anxious about the pounds you have put on, in spite of how other people are reacting. It is important that you feel good on the inside and out. Right now it doesn't sound like you're feeling good either place. You said you hate yourself. Is that because you have gained some weight or are there other things going on? Is your hatred related to the number on your scale? There is a danger for bariatric patients in getting too attached to a specific number on the scale. What's far more important is how your health has improved since you lost weight, how you are feeling about yourself (which, at the moment, doesn't sound happy), and the fact that you are able to do so many things you couldn't do before you lost your weight. You are forgetting that you do know how to lose weight. You have done it! Eat what is healthy for your body. Eat breakfast every day and be sure you don't go too many hours between eating experiences. Definitely keep talking about how you are feeling because you are NOT a number on a scale. You are a human being with gifts and talents to share. It might help if you talk to yourself with more compassion. You probably wouldn't talk so harshly to someone else who is feeling badly about themselves. Try being more of a friend to yourself. And, if by "shrink", you  mean psychiatrist... then maybe it would be better just to see a counselor! They can help!

Hi Daniel, You are not whining.  You are stating how you feel.  Now that the holidays are over go back to your beginning ways.  You don't need to go the over the counter route or the bowel prep routes.  You have a tool and it will work if you go back to about when you were six months out. If you feel good at  between155 pounds and 165 pounds then get back there.  Don't worry about what people say.  You know how you feel. And that's all that counts. The great thing about losing the extra weight now is that now it is do-able.  losing 10 pounds is alot less harder than losing 180 pounds. Just remember - WE HAVE THE TOOL- NOW WE HAVE TO USE IT. Good luck. Koukla 338/178

Daniel,

My heart breaks for you. I see my own feelings in your post. Please don't hate yourself. No matter what weight you can maintain at, please don't hate yourself. It's just a number. You are so much more than that. See if you can maintain where you are. If you can do that, you are a success.

I'm under my surgeon's goal weight for me too and I hate that number to climb even a tenth of a pound at all. I know I'm too thin. I can see it and when that scale stays down or goes down a tenth, I'm okay. But when it goes up even a tenth, I'm questioning myself and hating that climb. Everyone around me cheers when I gain a little except me. I hate it. Maybe you and I both need to seek a shrink. If it will make me feel better about myself when I know I have to gain 11 pounds, maybe it will help you too to stop hating yourself. I'm trying to maintain right where I am, even below goal. It's really really hard to maintain. I've never done it before. it's always been "starve until you're down" and then "shovel until you hate yourself again." and it's just not right.

Just try and maintain where you are for a while and see if the feeling doesn't grow on you. But please PLEASE don't hate yourself.

D

Hey Surgery Twin!  I'm so proud of your terriifc success! I think you have two issues going on.  The first is the after WLS let down.  For so long, we were losing, getting so much attention, feeling so great about  the change in our life.  Now 2+ years out those feeling are gone, what do you do to replace it? Second, I think all of us still have some sort of compulsions.  Whether its your weight, what you eat or exercise, we all have our triggers.  When you think about it, reading the boards daily is one as well.  You need to recognize your issues and determine ways to deal with them. Please consider some professional help.  You don't have to see a shrink, but do discuss it with your PCP and get their recommendation.  Medication might help, I know it does for me. Try shaking up your routine.  You don't mention what your excercise is, but try something new.  Maybe a different class at your gym? Think of something you always wanted to do but couldn't before WLS.  Go do it!  Make a positive change in your life.  You'll feel better soon! Michele

Daniel,

I feel your pain and have had those same exact thoughts...I was up almost 20 pounds at one point and was in a complete tailspin as you have described (especially since I have only lost 70 pounds total).  I imagine you are feeling absolutely desperate, as I was, and will consider just about anything.  I too looked into diet aids, but rethought that idea and reminded myself that I have a tool that I just need to access.

The best things I did for myself were logging on to this board everyday and reading the posts.  This keeps me focused on a lifestyle congruent with WLS.  I also committed myself to exercise and can now run 3 miles (at 5mph--slow, I know, but I've never been able to run)!  I have also tried to eat protein first, but didn't kill myself if I had a carb snack.  I'm still not at my goal of 145, but I'm also no longer depressed and panicked because I'm feeling more fit and my overall health has improved tremendously from 70 pounds ago.  Are there days that the same thoughts as you are having go through my head?  YES...I often beat myself up that even with WLS, I'm still not skinny!  I'm trying to get off 12 more pounds to hit the next goal I've set for myself.  I've been thinking about the 5 day pouch test--if that's something you'd be interested in trying, perhaps we could be email buddies, start the same day and share the journey?  Maybe that feeling of control would return for both of us?  Just an idea... Please don't hate yourself--those are such strong words.  Perhaps you're disappointed, or even frustrated, but remember, who you are is far more than how much you weigh.  I noticed you're an NCBT...now that's an accomplishment!  Way to go!  Let me know if you'd like to try out the 5dpt together.  Perhaps it's a place to start?

Oh my gosh, I could've written this post.   I don't know what to say or what advice to give you, only my empathy.  If you're unhappy at this weight because your no longer comfortable in your own skin, then that should be your motivation to lose.  Take some deep breaths. Take a long, hard look at where you've come from and give yourself a pat on the back.  You're 20 lbs from where you want to be, not 200 lbs. You can lose that, if you want to.  You already have a plan...you've written that you're going back to basics, to what worked for you before.  You may also want to step up your exercise.  But loathing yourself, your body, your current weight isn't going to help you get to your goal. I know this.  That kind of thinking is an undeserved punishment. I know this.  You don't really want a revision. You want to wake up tomorrow and weigh 155 lbs, where you were comfortable.  The sad news is that, losing weight after you've lost so much weight, is hard work.  But, you can do it.  Plenty of us gain a few pounds and take it off again. You have a tool to help you. It takes determination. Cut yourself a break.  Your clothes are tight but they still fit you.  In two weeks, they may be back to being comfortable on you.  When we experience some normal rebound weight gain or some extra pounds because of life, we just need to slow down and give ourselves a hug.  Please stop beating yourself up. Focus on the good and not the bad.   Julie

Daniel, If you won't seek psychological counseling, at least read up on eating/body image disorders.  So many of the feelings you are describing are those that anorectics report;  it's not just a teenage girl's disease. You are not whinning, you are in some serious pain. Take care of yourself. J