Happy New Years....

Hello...it doesn't happen to often, but I have decided that it is time to post.  On a daily basis, I read the posts in the forum at least two or three times a day.  It has been a really interesting year.  I have worked hard to maintain my weight, yet..nobody seemed to be very happy.  Most people told me that I was too thin and too sickly looking.  I, of course, didn't see it or believe it.  I was concerned with a number that shouldn't have been so important.  Sadly, hearing how sick I looked convinced me that I needed to put on a little weight.  Can you believe it... time to gain weight!!!  HATED THE THOUGHT!!!!  Sadly, because I needed to add some weight, I ended up getting into old habits.  I would gain a pound...hate myself for it..and punish myself with food.  I have learned that I could eat anything.. pineapple...donuts...chips..etc.  I would be careful of what ate...but I also ate the wrong things..  Needless to say...throughout the year... I gained five pounds.  Hated myself even more...because of it...but in reality... I knew that I was healthier looking and healthier in general.  Sadly, as the holiday times have approached, I allowed myself to enjoy family gatherings...traditional cooking...etc...  If I step on the scale... I am about twelve pounds heavier then I want to be (actaully 20 pounds heavier then I want to be....)... Sadly though.. I am also at my healthiest.  I hate the contridiction between what is best for my body..and the number in my head.  Well, I have rambled enough... I hope to be better this year at responding and posting...and not simply reading....  HOWEVER........... I could really use some contact with others...  Could really use the e-mails...and personal chats with others!!!!

I so understand. I was thinking at how made I am at myself for not hitting my personal goal of 180...been fluxing around 196 for months now and 203 for a year or so before that. Right before I read your email I checked last years calander and on 1/3/07 I weighed 205 and 1/3/08 I weight 196  that 9 pounds down..why cant I just be happy with what I accomplished?    I started my journey at 360 and when I had lost around 50 pounds my family members who always were so mean about me being fat (i grew up in a skinny blonde family) started to yell that i was too skinny. I told them I was still 300 pounds but that didnt stop them. The same people who use to cry when I ate too much lettuce (no joking) started to buy me cookies and cakes. It was then I realized i would never be good enough for them. I guess thats why I still cant be good enough for me...sigh. I will be 40 on May 5th and I have promised myself I will be 180 by then. I hope I dont beat myself up too much over it. Diana RNY 9/17/03 360/196/ forever aiming at 180