How does one get out of old "thought" habits?

Okay, just a query..not really a dillema..because when it happens I'll find out..but here is my question. How do we get out of the old "body" insecurities? When I was over 250lbs, I hated my bod..and now I'm 120lbs lighter than that..and I still don't "love" my body. I certainly like it alot better...in clothes. However, the hanging skin is there...and I don't have a "tight 20 year old body..or even 30 year old body". I've got a body that some might associate with their 90 year old grandmother (no offense to grandmothers anywhere, I love all 3 of mine). My tuckus is as flat as a pancake and wrinkled to boot. My breasts..well, they might stack up next to a national geographic issue and my stomach has 2 levels of hanging skin. I had a "donut" when I was heavier, and now that is a deflated balloon and flaps over my belly button, and my lower belly is all "raisiny". Then I have the inner thighs..I could wear some CUTE shorts, or skirts if it wasn't for the folds of loose skin on my inner thighs.  I only ask all of this..because as some of you might remember in other posts, I'm actively dating. and I'm very interested in someone and we are now on our 3rd date.. I think that in the next 7 dates or so is when people typically hit the bedroom..and the heat is just going to continue to rise..because its pretty good right now...but I am terrified to sleep with him because I really..really...really..really like him. I know what you will say.."if he really likes you/loves you he will not care about your body"..but I think i will be so obsessed with it that I will not be able to relax. There is no way in heck i'm going to be able to get boobs/belly/thighs by the time we do want to "go there", so what do I do? 1/2 of me thinks that I should just sit down with him and say.."look..this is my issue", but then that in itself might turn him off. He is super nice, and super successful, and very smart and super cute and super hot.. and every bit the gentleman. I knew him before I had my surgery, and I was married then so he did not allow himself to think of me that way, but he did like me and we had a mild, friendly flirtation at that point. Now its all dating..and heat....and I've never in my life been so afraid of making love to someone as I am right now. I do not want the first time to be "alcohol" laden, so I do want to be totally sober.. can someone please send me a "get over it" pill or something? I feel something with this particular individual that I've not felt since my first marriage (lost first hubby to cancer, and still love him very much) and i'm trying to keep things in perspective and under control....  he is not "rebound guy", as some of you might be thinking as I've recently seperated from my husband of 9 years. The ex and I are very friendly and know about each other's new "friends" and w/ us we were "over" for many years.., so I'm not "rebounding"...I'm seriously crushing on this guy..and I don't want to do anything stupid..yeah..I'm all over the place in this post. I think I need a gigantic, plus sized chill pill..LOL  - help? and yeah.. how do I want help? I've no diea..LOL I don't know what I need..LOL I'm one seriously smitten kitten. jess

I think the only way to get rid of all of this hanging skin is to change it to muscle.  That means weights.  I work outside as much as I can and try to lift .  I have a back injury so I have to be very careful, however, I do lift what I can, for the purpose of exercise. Swimming is my favorite exercise.  Also, the more exercise I get the better my mood.   Sounds like you have a very nice guy your seeing.  The first time, can make or break a relationship for alot of people.  Good Luck

You can turn skin into muscle? From how I understood it, once the skin has lost its elasticity (usually evident from stretch marks) it will never go back the way it was without plastic surgery. But exercise plus a tummy tuck = one nice looking tummy!

Try to keep in mind that men really don't see our "flaws" the way we do...especially when it "go time"...men really like confidence and dislike when we talk about our negative body image...so my advise is to mention your insecurities in a off-handed, casual way but don't obess over it.  I know it is gonna be hard but try to relax and enjoy.   Oh yeah, do it in the dark...ha,ha, ha. Trish

I understand your insecurities, but I agree with the above post.  Have you thought about getting some new lingerie?  It might help to give you some security AND be sexy at the same time.

I am in my late twenties and I still don't have a 20 year old's body.  I wish I did because I would be thinner than I have ever been.  I started describing what my skin looked like as crepe paper, especially my arms.  I have discovered that I can only wear 'molded' bras and that when I hike the girls in the bra, my 'boob skin' (as I don't know if they really count as boobs if they are flat) folds over on itself so the nipple is pointing at my head!  HA!  Sorry to be so graphic, but the only way I have gotten through this skin stuff was to touch it...look at it...talk to it if you have to.  My husband said a sweet thing a few months ago when I was saying "hey...look what my skin can do".  He said that the skin was like my battle scars as I had to work for it. 

Jess, Congratulations on meeting someone that you really connect with. I am sure that your post hit home for many, many people. When it comes to body image, you have a triple whammy 1) you are a woman and most women do not like their bodies -regardless of their size or shape (this is unfortunate and sad, but true), and 2) you are young, and although women typically have more to dislike about their bodies as they age, we also tend to become more comfortable in our skin and less body obsessed, 3) you have had WLS which quite often leaves people with new body image concerns.  Working on developing a healthy relationship with your body is critical - especially if you are to enjoy physical intimacy and truly reap the benefits of your new healthy body. Here are a few recommendations that I have found useful: 1) When you think about body image - also include what your body can DO, not just how it looks. Especially think about the things that you can do now or do better than before surgery. Give your body credit for that. 2) Watch out for "Cognitive Distortions." This is a fancy term for the common ways in which we talk to ourselves that are not very fair and balanced. For example: minimizing the positive and magnifying the negative, name-calling (would you talk to anyone else that way? Why is it okay to do to you?) mind-reading (assuming you know what other people are thinking about your body), moody mirror (changing the way you feel about your body, depending on your mood), beauty or beast (you either look okay or you look disgusting - no gray area). 3) Practice balncing your negative criticisms with more positive comments. When you look in the mirror and say something negative, make it a point to find something that you genuinely feel good about  (e.g., you have a beautiful smile, great shoulders...etc.) Remember- the goal is being fair and balanced. 4) Finally, give those hated body parts a voice. If they could talk back what might they say? This sometimes help to create more compassion. If you want a resource to guide you, I would recommend Body Image Workbook by Thomas Cash. http://www.amazon.com/Body-Image-Workbook-Harbinger-Workbook s/dp/1572240628 Good luck and thank you for bringing up such an important topic.

Thank you so much for your advice.  I have found it incredible helpful.

Thank you..now the challenge will be putting the actions into play. I like the suggestion to follow up a negative thought w/ a positive one..and there are aspects of my new body I love..like the fact that I have cute, boney knees and my ankles are pretty hot again.. (always had pretty boney ankles) .. so I'll focus on that stuff.  jess

I think sitting down with him and saying "this is my issue..." is a great idea.  Better now than freaking out when the time comes for him to "see".    Since he knew you before your surgery, he probably knows about your issue and would appreciate you talking about your concerns/insecurities with him.  If you don't talk about it first, it's going to ruin that great heat that you haven't felt in so long and you deserve that heat. Good Luck.