Mental Health WOW Moment

Hi All,

I don't post normally, but read the boards on and off when I need support, info, etc...  I am just having an incredible A-Ha moment (good, but not so good).  I had surgery 4 years ago and went from 253 to 138 (currently at 148).  About 18 months ago, I was diagnosed with depression and have been taking Wellbutrin since then.  Last week, I started taking the generic form of Wellbutrin and wow, what a difference.  Today, I felt so out of control over my feelings and eating, it was insane; but I finally put it together - how depression affects me and how I reached 253 pounds at age 33. Today, I experienced the cycle that affected me for most of my life - the feeling of overwhelming sadness and the need (emotional or physical or both) to eat lots of carbs.  Mentally, I understood exactly what I was doing, and I understand I have control over what I put into my mouth, but I could not stop.  I have battled cravings, PMS issue and stress eating since surgery but nothing like this.  It definitely took me back to my adolescence and certain periods of my life where I was probably suffering from depression and didn't know it.   I had to physically restrain myself from driving to Publix for one of their cakes (one of my favorite binge foods).  I am just overwhelmed by the feeling of having no control right now.  I have learned a lot of behavior modification over the past four years and I know that I have the strength and willpower, so I am certain that this issue is directly related to my mental health.  Needless to say I will be heading to the doctor on Monday to get the right meds back into my system.   Because I have been really diligent and have learned over the past years more about food and myself, this episode really gave me perspective.  Before, I would have had very negative feelings about myself and seen it as just another failure and kept on eating, repeating the cycle.  Now I can take a step back and truly look at the factors influencing me - not just emotionally, but physically and mentally.   I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone, but I feel better just putting it down.  This has also kept me away from the pop-tarts I did pick up at the grocery store.  The bottom line is, I have a better understanding of myself, my health status, emotional status and my relationship with food.  It also helps that now, my "binge" can't have more than 12-15grams of sugar, or else I dump.  So instead of eating 2 pounds of chocolate, a box of  Ho-Ho's and some fast food burgers, I had 2 pop-tarts and a bunch of pretzels.  I can also look back and say that there was a truly physical/mental reason I had little control over what I was doing at some points in my life, and it wasn't just a lack of commitment.  If I hadn't experienced it again today, I probably wouldn't have ever known the effects depression can have.  It was really eye-opening. Just want to thank everyone for sharing on the boards - I have learned a lot from everyone here and really appreciate this community. PJ

Howdy PJ, and thanks so much for sharing this... What an awe inspiring WOW moment... Again thanks for sharing !! Huggs Debbiie I gotta say one thing tho........POP TARTS lol

Oh my gosh! I'm totally getting what you are saying in this post...Before surgery I had absolutely no control at all whatsoever...Now I'm semi in control because I'm still only 17 months out and I'm so afraid to lose what little control I feel I have. I just have to stay in control or I'll slip back into that old "out of control" feeling. I have constant fear of the normal "bounce" that happens where you hit your lowest point and come back up in weight... I'm so glad you posted this...

Thanks for listening - it is a wild and crazy journey we all go through after surgery.  I just try and use the tool I have now and recognize that I am human.   Now I'm going to go throw out those pop tarts!       Have a great day, PJ

Thanks for sharing your story and how you are feeling.  You can also take a peek at my blog bc I have similar mh issues.  Take care!!

LOL! I just decided to give all my granola bars and fruit bars to my grandkids up in Washington...I'm putting together a care package with their Christmas presents in it...All the food I can't eat anymore (pop tarts are in there too) are going northward...

I'm so glad you shared this! Some days I feel like I have it all figured out and other days I'm dazed and confused, LOL! It sure is a growing and learning process and it takes time. I always say I'm a work in progress, but it sounds like you're pretty  much there!! That's fantastic!!

I can completely relate to what you're saying.  I think that a LOT of us got to where we are because of our mental health (or lack of it) and need to get help with that through out our journey/lives.  I'm trying to make time for myself to see one, just for some follow-up and coping.  I STILL stress about food!  Never have been happier than those weeks that I'm too busy to worry about food, but those times that I do stress over food wear me out.  Ugh!  Stupid food issues!!!

Thank you so much for sharing this.  I just had RNY in October.  The first month I wasn't hungry and had no cravings.  Lately I have started having those old feelings of wanting to eat 'just to be eating'.  I thought 'wow, it's too early for this to be happening.'  I haven't succumbed to temptation yet.  It's good to know that others have these feelings but are still successful.

Here here PJ. I know what you are talking about..its as if I posted this myself. In addition to being emotionally out of control, I had thrown alcohol into the mix. Now I am in the process of "rebuildilng" yet again..however this time..I am not turning to food for solice. Its almost terrifying sometimes to know that my "old" buddy is no longer there..well, it is, but I dump anytime I eat over a certain amount of food. I'm in the odd situation right now of trying to gain about 10lbs. I don't have the money for a whole new wardrobe and all of my 4's and 6's are now hanging on me. I want to start working out, but I'm afraid I will drop even further weight. my point is.. in the past, when I was as stressed as I am right now, I'd have dove right into the closest vat of carbohydrates I could find... Now, I dont' eat.. I can't eat. So, i'm forced to find another way to deal...and that is part of my old problem, I never "dealt" with my problems..now I"m forced to. Its hard..but very satisfying when I realize that i've done it.  Keep posting here, don't be a stranger. Jess