Ugh - Falling down here.

So Tuesday was supposed to be my 1st day of the 5DPT.  I didn't start on Monday because I just found out about it on Monday Evening. I made it through 3/4 of the day and then just fell flat on my face.  I've got so many personal and work related issues that I just couldn't even breathe nonetheless pay attention to the food I was eating. My daughter was diagnosed about 9 months ago with Childhood Onset Bipolar Disorder (She's 16) and we have been having major struggles with this for a while now.  She is now hospitalized (on Monday) for the 6th time this year alone and I don't know if the county is going to let her come straight home.  It's my understanding that she's going to have to go to a residential treatment facility - which is where I've been trying to get her in for a while now anyway but the insurance won't budge. Add on top of that, we are heading full steam ahead into Open Enrollment where I work (we are a Third Party Benefits Administrator) and most of our clients are in OE time...talk about stress!  Thank goodness for little Stress Balls! lol So, I just sat here and ate a donut.  A whole donut.  And yes, I feel like crap right now.  I got the foamies, shakes, etc.  Stupid stupid.  I knew it going into it that would be the result - and I didn't stop. So, from this point forward that;s it.  I'm done with this.  I feel like crap and the food isn't worth it.  It's nothing but liquids for me all day today.  I can't do the "I'll start tomorrow" song and dance because I know I won't...

Bless your heart. You've got a lot on you right now, and it's understandable why you caved in for that doughnut. And it never fails that when your home life is in a mess, things at work go crazy too. I hope things get better soon.

Oh wow, Tisha, First of all, I am so very sorry to hear about your Daughter. I truely hope that things will get better and that your family becomes stronger through this eventhough right now in the midst of adversity it feels like it is killing you! Sometimes life seems so unfair. Ok...I know it seems like donuts numb the pain but I know you already know how the story ends. It ends the same way it ends for me...The downward spiral of shame, shakes and sweats (dumping and self loathing)! I have been there and hate it too. Not that I reccomend resorting to full liquids for the rest of the day but do whatever you have to do to break that stronghold that evil foods have on you. Sounds religious doesn't it? Well, I am pretty religious about it and it is an ongoing battle in my life.  I understand how you feel after eating the donut. I felt the same way a few months ago when I attacked a melting jug of icecream in my garage with a Starbucks straw. It was a very low moment followed by severe dumping and I was all aboard the Downward Spiral of Shame Train!  After I slam dunked the rest of that container of icecream into the garbage I got seriously P!ssed and then and there decided to change.  You are in my thoughts with your eating and with your family, Molly

And you know what is worse of all...the donut wasn't even that good!!

HA! I totally understand, LOL!  Hope you have a great weekend! Molly

Tisha, I applaud you for recognizing the role that food plays in your life.  That is the first step.  You reached for food when things in your life seemed overwyelming.  That's OK.  We are not perfect.  I can't tell you how many times I've "started over"  on my journey to lose all the weight that I want.  Dealing with a child diagnosed with bipolar disorder impacts on you constantly.  You never know what to expect.   If I can be of help to you, please email me.  I am a special education administrator, and i've dealth with a wide range of disabilities in my working years.  I struggle constantly with my eating.  I've gone back to some of the presurgery bad food habits, but I will not give up.  If it helps to start keeping a food journal, then try that.  It's something specific you can do to make a change.  Sometimes a little change will help to get you back on track. I hope you are able to find a good place for your daughter.  If you cannot find a residential placement, could your daughter go to a day treatment program until one can be found? Good luck Joan

Joan, Thank you for your kind words.  Yes, dealing with my daughter is always an ever changing world.  Every day is different and it's such a struggle.  Last Saturday she took off and didn't come bac****il the next day.  I was trying to get her to work on her school project and she stared arguing with me.  She said some really not nice words and really was pushing me to the limit.  She was trying to leave the house and she won't just walk out the door - she always waits and pushes and pushes until I finally say, "Just go!" = like she's waiting for "permission", you know? So instead I stood in front of the door - for almost an hour -and did my best to block her from going out the door.  We live on the second story so she couldn't leave any other way.  After about an hour of trying to move me from in front of the door, she gave up and started walking back to her room.  I went and sat down and that's when she took off out the door.  It was so stressful to me...I ended up having a small glass of wine afterwards only because I needed something -anything! ...it's a struggle...to say the least...

you don't look much older than 16 yourself, girlfriend. My sister has bi-polar. She was diagnosed @ age 19. But she now leads a very productive life, has a great hubby, and a beautiful adopted daughter. There is hope. It's just a struggle getting there sometimes. God bless you & your baby.  Brenda

Well aren't you sweet - I'm 35. lol ;-) I'm happy that we diagnosed my daughter when we did.  It's been a big struggle and her dad (we are divorced) was meeting me some resistance along the way but I think that was denial.  He's trying hard to be involved now and that's making my life sooooo much easier! I'm happy to hear that your sister is doing well - I try and instill in my daughter that she doesn't need to let this beat her down...she feels helpless at times...as do I. So, tonight, I'm going to just push everything aside and take my other 2 kids to Disneyland and just try and relax a bit.  And no, I won't be buying ANY fudge. lol

You really do have alot going on right now!!! I'm an emotional eater so I understand caving in to donuts all too well and like you, I always feel like crap afterwards~mentally and physically. I hope things will improve for you at work and at home! Don't give up the fight, even if you stumble~we all do from time to time.  (((((HUGS)))))))