Jealousy in the immdediate family...

How does one not allow harsh, hurtful words from a family member regarding how I've "changed" since my surgery to affect them?  I'm not sure if you remember, but i'm getting a divorce from my husband, we are keeping it fairly friendly. This AM, I get up to check my email and my sister (bi-polar, and not "obese" but a little chubby after having 3 kids) sends me this scathing email about what a selfish prig I've turned into and how I"m "extremelly" to skinny and I feel that I'm too good for her because I don't visit her anymore.  a little back story, i didn't visit her that often pre-op because she has violent mood swings, and is always telling me about her financial, man and fibromyalgia related problems. She has also always been jealous of the fact that I am (was) married, have a nice car, nice house..nice life.. She does not equate the hard work that goes into that, and how hard it is to keep that status. I know people with fibromyalgia, and they do NOT act like my sister does. i know i need to let it "roll off", but I'm not good at that. I admit, I have changed since my surgery, I can no longer let people treat me like their personal dumping grounds. I'm in therapy with my soon to be ex-husband, we thought it would be good for us to help us through the separation so we can remain friends afterwards. I'm changing, things are changing..the attention I get is changing, the attention I put out is changing..I admit that..but I am not a bad person! and I do not think that she is less of a human than I am. I"m just ranting at this point.. but do I respond to the nasty email w/ accusations? or do I just ignore it and hope she relaxes and calms down?  Jess

Jess,  Given that your sister is bipolar, here is what I would do. Don't answer her at all. Pretend like she never sent it or that you never received it. I'm betting she will relax and calm down. I could be wrong but it's worth giving it a try, just to save your own sanity. I have issues with my sister too. She's always been the wonderful beauty queen and now she doesn't know how to handle my weight loss success...But it's nothing like what you are going through. I have a little experience with bipolar patients but not in my own family.

I am going to ignore it.. good advice.. yep, thats what I"m gonna do. I know she'll calm down. :) I love your avatar by the way!

I would think that since she has mood swings and what not already, that there has to be extra grace extended to her. Now I don't mean spend a lot of time with her and become a doormat, but more like a letting go of things she says because you know she has issues!  We do change after wls. I have had plenty of dealings with my sister who is MO and VERY jealous of me. Right after surgery, she'd bring over candy and junk she KNEW I couldn't eat. Finally, after I got some back bone and practically threw her out of my house, she quit doing it. I know there is nothing I can do to change her, so I just work REAL hard on my attitude and how I respond to her. I don't want to be mean, but I am confident in who I am and that I don't have to tolerate peoples garbage!!  I think it's great that you and soon to be x are handling things so well. I'm sure that will help you in the years to come.  HUGS

YOU know, I have a freind (since 9th grade and we are OOOOLD now), who has dumped me 3 times for being thin. One was based on a note I wrote when I reached goal (back in 95), one was based on chatting a few times together, meeting for lunch and then the third was based on nothing at all, that I could tell.

I finally figured out that it had nothing to do with me. I'm older than I was when we were 14, 24, 34, 44 and even 54. So's she. She was giving me a hard time about always liking cars better than boys. So? You go with what works! THAT hasn't changed! LOLOL I like my husband, but you know, I REALLY loved my bug convertible! LOL

So, *I* wasn't the one who'd done much changing. We'd both changed husbands, raised kids who were alternately easy and hard, have grandkids.............

There was no point at all in responding to her "get away from me you thin person - you've changed" emails. I'm still morbidly obese, just in remission. I'm still the person who liked cars better than boys and who was hurt by ex husband and so on. ???

Just remember that this whole line of communication from her sounds very much like, "I can't manipulate you any more and I don't like that so I don't like YOU. But I'm blaming your wt loss cuz I know I can make you eat your wt back on and then I can manipulate you again and my world will be right again."

Hello Michelle, thank you again..I always love your straight forward posts. :) Yes, I am going to take the advice that everyone is giving and just ignore the post and act like I did not get it. I think I'm going to actually take my myspace down, its just a bunch of BS anyhow. I email the people I care about, and sometimes I don't like people to know certain aspects of my life. I couldn't agree more with your last statement though.  :) I totally know that is what she is doing. In the past she used to be able to break me down and I'd run to her and apologize and genuflect on her.. Not any more..  Thanks Ladies!

It's really hard to disconnect from old habits and relationships, even toxic ones. Even harder if they were once good ones! My other BFF since childhood is ok with my wt loss, but she is still 15. I mean, we're coming up on 60 now (and she's quick to point out that I'm 9 months older! LOL), so when can we get done talking about boys and husbands (or at least pick ONE!). It'd be ok if we talked about cars or WLS, of course. LOL

But been married for a long time, like the one I've got (he fills both requirements, husband and boy!) So, it's not interesting to me but it's also harmless in that I'm bored, not being injured by it. Doesn't help that her BF of choice is involved in the WLS and I have to pretend I don't know that! LOL

And you thought YOUR life was complicated!

OMG Michelle, I hope you don't  mind but I just had to right down some of your lines for later use!!!! I deal with this stuff ALOT from dh's family~it has now progressed from 1 sil to another sil and my mil!!! I think they're all feeding off of each other so whatever. I told dh last night his mom's jealous b/c she's old (she's only in her 50's, but she is currently "reliving" her youth and tries to dress like she's 20), his sister is a goregous girl who has now just let herself go and can't deal with the fact that I haven't and his brother's wife has hated me for the past 2yrs ever since I got into a smaller size than her! To me that's their problem, but it is hurtful when they treat me like crap. Really don't know what I can do about it b/c fighting about it probably won't do any good. Its just really sad when people turn on you.

Oh yeah..its like all of these people in my life had a convention and decided to not just dump me, but "dump on me" all at once. My best friend has totally deserted me during my seperation.. (she's the one who told me I was her "token fat friend" and now she feels differently since I'm "skinny" and smaller than her now)... what is w/ people!!! They want to say that we have changed...but they are the one's *****ally change..well, to be fair, I guess we all change. But, I'm excited about moving onto the next chapter in this life. :)

 

jess

 

Hi Jess: My mama always said that you can choose your friends but not your family.  I think I would hit the delete button and say "what email"?  Never let them know that they got to you.  I hope you have a better evening. Darlene