Update on me.. It looks like its the big D..and we both could not be happier..

Who knew..that the answer to all of the squabbling, bickering, arguing.. ignoring.. hateful words and dismissal in my marriage this past 2 years (yes, before surgery) was Divorce. I know marriage vows say.>"till death do us part"..and I did that once already (I was a widow before I was a wife..and now a divorcee).. but I honestly do not think god intended two people to destroy each other..because they were not the right people together. Mistakes are made, and you learn from them...or suffer from the consequences forever... Anyhow, the update as I promised.. my situation last weekend (see previous post by me) had nothing to do with the explosion of the ticking time bomb that was living in my house. It was actually not an explosion, but a gentle whimper as we both calmly, and as adults realized that we are NOT the right people for each other. There was for the first time, no angry words..just sad tears of realization.. there were not hateful rememberences and blame of past wrongs done to each other flung..it was one of the best evenings we've had for a while. This morning was a little bumpy as things sunk in..but still, tonight we are both much relieved that there will be an end to our mutual unhappyness together..and as friends, we will go forward and salvage our lives. I'm not sure if this makes sense..and I know people have judgements to make and comments to give, however..the fact of the matter is..this is all between my husband and I, and this is a decision we calmly and smartly made together. We will still go on a pre-planned vacation together next week, and go as friends. For the first time in over a week we are both now looking foward to the trip (we are taking my parents to Hawaii for their 35th wedding anniversary). The irony of our marriage ending in Hawaii, which is where it began 4 years ago is not lost on us, nor is the fact that we go to celebrate a love of 35 years between two other people..however we both agree it is a fitting end.  I will move on and go back to finish college and decide what I want to do with my life. My husband (I wonder when i have to stop calling him that) is going to pursue career advancement options and see what opportunities await him there. Who knew..all this time..all the pain we caused each other these past few weeks, months and years.. we both had the same secret desire to live a different life...  Love is a funny thing..it is because we love each other that we are letting each other go. Ironically, we both admitted..we've never loved each other more than we do now..and our greatest gift to each other is our freedom. We know we both have a lot to offer the world... just the mix of the 2 of us was non-adhesive. So, thats the update... and I wanted to thank all those who commented on my previous post, and those who gave such wonderful advice and heartfelt, intelligent, non-judgemental thoughts..and just proved again why this board is here, and why we are all here on it.. to experience our ever changing lives together.. because no one understands this like us WLS grads.. - Thank you, Jess (please do not be sad for me.. my home is for the first time in months..not a sad place to be). :)

Yep, our situations sure are different Linda. I know all about not getting enough time to spend with someone. I lost my first husband to cancer at the young age of 21.  I loved him very much, and we had a very passionate and strong marriage for 2 people so young, and so new to adult life. It was gods will that Rob (my first husband) go out of my life and be with him, but I also know God would not want me to be happy, and possibly ruin someone elses life for the sake of "till death do us part". I know more than many people my age about the importance of spending time with someone you are "in love" with. So, when I look at spending the next 50+ years of my life with someone that I "like" but am not  "in love with".. I know it would be a great mistake for both of us. We know this is the right decision, and possibly the best gift we can give each other in our entire 9 year relationship. Thank you however for your thoughts, opinions and inputs. I'm happy that you and your husband enjoy spending time together, and that you both enjoy many years of marriage and companionship. May you continue to have such a strong relationship. :) Warmest Wishes, Jessica

Bless your heart, I know this is hard on you. My daughter is going through a similar situation ("We don't fight, we don't hate each other, we just don't love each other.") They're starting marriage counseling next week and I've got a glimmer of hope it will still work out. As painful as it must be for you and your family, I hope you will both be happy and can remain friends.

Thanks Wanda. I just hope that we can continue to get along as we have, and just remember that we love each other and continue to nurture our friendship. who knows where the future will lead both of us.  Jess

Hey Jess I'm from the May 06 board and am just getting to know you.  Just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you for the coming months while you are going through this. Making a decision like you have, as you say, is not easy, but as much as we all want happy endings like in fairy tales, they are just that - fairy tales.  When we get married we promise 'til death us do part'.  You know probably better than a lot of people how this feels with your first husband.  However, I just wanted to add that who is to say what kind of death is refferred to in this promise.  I believe most people make the promise thinking of the obvious meaning, but it can mean the death of the life in the marriage, or the death of love, etc. I wish you both well, and hope you can resolve the break up and remain and restore the friendship that you began your relationshp with. 

Hi Ruth, Thank you so much for your comments. We both want to be happy, and I think this is a way we can. its hard right now..but not as hard as it would be if we were fighting our way through this. Its just a day by day, step by step process and our unified goal is to remain friends at the end of the day. :) jess

I know you've had so much turmoil going on lately (internally and externally) and maybe this will help to calm things down for you now that you know what direction you're heading in. Its never easy to end a marriage, but sometimes its the best for everyone involved and that sounds like the case here. I'm glad that you were able to talk thru it with no arguments and come to a solution that will work best for both of you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for the upcoming months b/c even when divorce is wanted, it can still be hard to deal with sometimes. Good Luck and keep us posted on how you're doing.

Hi Tracy, I thank you for your comments, they are always so welcome. If it was not for this board and the ability to come in here and unload how I feel and realize that I'm not alone..I might not have had the strength to fight for what I know was right. We were both shocked at how easily the decision finally came to both of us and how much better we felt after it had been absolutely decided. I know my DH will have many set backs where he's upset, hurt and angry..but for now we are both calmly and kindly working through this. I tackle things a bit differently than him..I'm a "rip the bandaid off" type of girl who just wants to get it over with and move forward..while he's a "day by day, step by step..let time take its course" person who feels its okay if I live here indefinitely. I know that cannot be. We both anticipate that we will still have emotional times coming up, and i've found myself close to tears many times in the past few days..but for the most part we are both much relieved to see an end to a very unsatisfactory situation. He is really an amazing man and will make some deserving woman very happy..I am just not that woman.. I am not even happy with myself because I don't know who I am right now.. I just want us both to be happy, even if it means not with each other. :) Thanks again Tracy..and I hope things don't go this direction for you.. I'll keep you in my thoughts. :) jess