PLEASE ALLOW ME TO THROW MYSELF UNDER THE TRAIN!!

This is long.

 

I am miserable….I don’t know what to do. I can’t seem to get myself in gear. I work in an isolated area at work because it gets too noisy at times for me to concentrate. Also, I think I like to be alone. I think that is part of my problem. I don’t socialize with the “girls” at work – I work in engineering and surveying – there haven’t always been women in this profession and most of them are secretaries – the secretaries around here come with all those petty vices that we remember as teenagers…therefore, the reason I don’t have a lot to do with them. I don’t get up and “visit” with anyone at work, its mostly men I work with, or  unless I need to ask a question or just spend two minutes with them. I am saying that I am not a very social person – I’m actually quite shy and quiet, but most people don’t believe that – I can put on a good face when needed and can become chatty cathy at times. Anyway, I think my lack of social skills stems from (1) being a child of divorce ( I was 8 and it was 39 YEARS ago), (2) being FAT for so many years, (3) having NO self confidence OR self-esteem because I was FAT for so many years, and (4) because I don’t have much too contribute to a conversation with people that I don’t know real well. All of those things also MAY make it appear that I am ***** but I am just a quiet loner.

 

All of this is relating to my food habits too. Because I am alone in my office, when I catch up on work or have slack time or AM BORED, I EAT. Today, I have binged (albeit WLS style). I have eaten about 1400 calories, almost my total for the day! What sucks is that I had the BEST OF INTENTIONS today – I have my water in the fridge, I stopped and got a Propel so that I would mix my protein in with it. I brought my oatmeal for breakfast. I wasn’t going to have a

Diet Dr

. Pepper today.

Then my boss calls and asks me to pick him up a burrito IF I was going to Chik-Fil-A. I had NO intentions of going there this morning, but my boss asked, so I said yes. Usually, if I get a chicken biscuit, I save it for my lunch – 420 calories, 25grams of Protein. Not today though. I had the biscuit and my DDP for breakfast. Then for lunch I had my tuna fish with dill pickle relish (no mayo or any mixer) (100c) with 6 peanut butter crackers (200c). Then I had a package of animal crackers (250c). DON’T ASK ME WHY because I have NO IDEA WHY I ate them. I was full from lunch. Then I had a Rice Krispie treat (200c). AGAIN, NO IDEA WHY. Then I had my sliced apple with Laughing Cow spread (see, there I go semi-healthy again!) And another DDP and then I walked to that dayum breakroom and got a Butterfinger (280c). WHY?

 

Everyday, I start out with the best intentions, blow it a little, then blow the top off of it. Thank goodness I have just about eaten everything bad in my house. Its mostly fruit and a few gingersnaps there now! I bought a book last week by Judith S. Beck, PhD called The Beck Diet Solution to “train my brain to think like a thin person”. I haven’t read enough of it yet (I SAY I haven’t had time – I cant read with the TV on…duh)….But one of the first lessons is to write an Advantages Response Card on why I want to lose (keep off) the weight. It says list the important reasons. Here are my top 8. Could have done more, but some seemed very vain. (1) I’ll like myself more. (2) I’ll live longer. (3) I won’t be so self-conscious. (4) I’ll feel more in control. (5) I’ll have more confidence. (6) I’ll increase my self-esteem. (7) I won’t become the FAT PERSON I was before WLS. (8) Maybe people will like me more.

 

And lastly, I feel like I have ostracized myself even from my Yoga class. One of my best friends (yeah, with everything I have said above) teaches Yoga. She is one of the most kind hearted people I have ever known. She would never intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings. Anyway, up until this year, the Yoga class was at the gym. The gym closed and it took about 9 months for her to find a location. Its at a local Baptist Church . She really had to convince the pastor that Yoga wasn’t “devil worship” and Eastern Mysticism before he would let her teach there. She had to turn Yoga in to a ministerial practice, which she didn’t mind because she IS a religious person. As with everything else in my life I am very quiet about my religion. I consider myself a person of faith (Presbyterian raised) even though I don’t attend organized services. I think a lot of times it is a “show off Sunday” for a lot of people in this town – they DO NOT practice on Monday what they listened to on Sunday. Anyway, I have become uncomfortable in a Yoga class that I helped keep going, because I am distracted by the message. I didn’t come to Yoga class to be ministered to.

 

Anyway, I have lost my direction. I just had to put in writing what is in my head and maybe that will help me find my way. Has anyone else seemed to have their life just explode – maybe this has been building and I am so “to myself” that its gotten my control. Thanks for letting me loose.

Well Honey!!! PLEASE DON'T THROW YOURSELF UNDER THE TRAIN!!! We all need you!! I understand about being a "loner", but you reached out here, so obviiously there is  still hope for you!  I wish I had some "sage" advice to offer, but I really don't.  I do agree that your "lack" of social skills probably come from low self-esteem from having been overweight most of your life.  And I'm sure that you are NOT considered a  #itch just because you are quiet.  I've not heard about the book you are reading, so I cannot  comment on it, but if you think that it will be of help to you, by all means continue reading it.  I wish I knew why we want to sabotage our best efforts, but I think that is one of the "big mysteries"  of why we became  overweight in the first place.  Are you able to afford counseling by a professional?  Maybe that would help you.  Like I say, I don't have any real advice. I just wanted you to know that  someone  cares and supports you!! Hugs,  Piggybabe

I can relate to what your saying. I also have a alone job & was finding myself doing the exact thing your doing. I think what got me back on track (6 days now lol ) was this site. I also started a food diary again, got back on my water, & have been trying to figure out fitday. I don't know the solution but do know your not alone in your quest. I'd start out thinking I was going to do good & for some reason. I'd just start picking at stuff. This site has helped me re-focus . I'm trying to find a support group in my area. no luck so far. I guess our brains just don't get it. We are thin ppl now! Good luck & hope you feel the support & love comin at ya, Brenda

I too have had those kind of food days. The key for me is not to let 1 or 2 of those days turn into 10~sometimes that easier said than done! I have also been accused of being *****y b/c I'm quiet sometimes which I hate~if I don't have anything of value to add to a conversation should I just say anything so that I'm not looked at as a stuck up snob?!?!?! I no longer work outside the home, but when I did I wasn't into office politics either~no time for that. I'm sure my lack of self confidence has played a big role in this. I'm not sure that I have any answers for you, but please know that I understand. Sometimes I feel like losing the weight might have been the easy part in this whole journey b/c maintenance and the "after life" can be rough! Hang in there!

One thing I should have figured out BEFORE I had the surgery and seeing people who had previously had the surgery and regained weight is that after the 2nd year, it's HARD!!!! I went from 250 to 135...feeling good... Then a year ago I started with an allergic dermatitis (which I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for the 10th time!) and I was given steroid shots...Weight gain here we come! Man, I never saw 5 lbs. come on so fast at a time...first it was 5, then 10, then 15, then 20...you get the idea! Well, I started back to the gym...then I pulled out my not so little clothes (14P)... At the gym this morning, I put on my "old" pants and they didn't fit...too small!!!!! AHAHAAHAHH! I had to come home and change! So, am I getting up at 4:15 every morning for nothing? Nope... at least I'm doing something!  I'm now in the midst of a pouch test--- first day today of a 5 day ordeal... I will make it through! I need to jump start my weight loss again and I'm hoping it will help. Carol Solomon had this on a web site and I thought I'd try it. I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK FAT AGAIN! If I can work on this, so can you! We'll just work together...I'm a big grazer at work and probably didn't realize how much, even though it's fairly healthy!  I'm an old lady (53) and I've found that if I just do one little thing, often than gets me started. Find one thing you can do and start there. The rest will come!

I forgot to say...You are beautiful...everyone at work is just jealous!

Thanks for the replies, the compliment and the encouragement. As Scarlet said "TOMMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY!" And that day is here. I am loaded up this morning. No ChickFila, No DDP, as little carbs as possible. Today is Water, Water, Protein Water and Protein. I bought some pre-cooked chicken strips, string cheese and beef jerky at Wallyworld on my way in this morning, along with my apples ( I LOVE my apples).....I am REALLY REALLY going to try and beat this demon TODAY. Thanks

I am a loner. I love being alone. At work I try my best to stay in my office and only go out when I have to. I get off work and go stright home. I go in and go to my bedroom for the rest of the night. My daughter will come in and talk to me but other than her I don't talk to anyone. I don't have friends or even want any. I love being by myself. I love my quite time. I just got where I don't like people at all. And just want to stay hid from the world. I would love to go in my trailer and never come out. I love being home.

I know you didn't mean for anybody to laugh at your post, but I got tickled at parts of it. I could have written most of it myself. I have worked at this law firm for 25 years and seen lots of people come and go. Every time a trouble maker leaves, here comes another one just like her, even worse. We have little cliques. It's like being in middle school all over again, only these are "professional" women in their 40's, 50's and 60's. If you talk to somebody, somebody else tells somebody else and then you can't be friends with them anymore. I try to sit here in my little room and don't venture out any more than I have to. It's a sad thing, really, but I think most of us work in that kind of environment. As for your eating, it sounds to me like you're just human and not perfect. I'm sure you can conquer it before it gets out of hand. You have a buddy across the state line in GA who will say a little prayer for you today.

I dont mind if you laugh - I MUST find some humor in this somewhere! :) Ok, here's the food breakdwon today - not too bad...........SO far........ 2 cups of Coffee 24 oz. water Bowl of Oatmeal w/tspn Country Crock and SweetnLow 2 oz. tuna with dill relish 1 stick ColbyJack 1 oz. grilled chicken strips 8 apple slices w/one pat Laughing Cow AND I AM STUFFED..........thats the point isnt it? So that I dont go run to that dayum breakroom  machine. Thats about 550 calories and 30g Protein. Not bad considering this time yesterday I was batting 1000 and STILL hungry!