Where do I fit?

Ok here goes - I am not sure this is going to be well received, but it is how I feel. I am goal and perhaps a little under - BMI is 20.1 now  I had a BMI 39.5 when I started.  I feel healthy and exercise 4 days a week at least.  I have lost 120 lbs and have been at goal for almost a year now. I am still an obese person in a thin body, I fight everyday the habits that made me obese. I was a middle of the night eater and still am if I am not very careful. I do not keep left overs in the icebox, easy to prepare or already prepared food in the house. I will eat in my sleep. I have all the scars of my past... the inside of my legs have many scars from boils that have healed when my legs rubbed together.  I still have some loose skin, but have been fortunate enough to be able to have PS and repair all that really gave me discomfort. I have a friend that is still loosing - she is my hero and together we will stay healthy and she will meet goal. She is proud of me and I am proud of her, in fact she far is braver that I have ever been... she has taught me more about this journey in the last six months than I have learned in the last two years of this road.  Anyhow, I have never hid the fact that I have had Lap band surgery and I live with the oh, the easy way out looks or comments or you really didn't have to work at it comments that I get ( this is crap, I worked my butt off and it is not been the easy way out, we all know this) But I have found that I don't fit in to either world now I put myself out into both worlds and find that I do not feel accepted into either  - your too thin to be here feeling. It was not said, but I could certainly feel it. Moreover, for the first time I found myself uncomfortable with what I have done.   I will never hide the fact I have had WLS - it saved my life. I know people that would never have considered this surgery if I had not spoken up and said how I lost - some are now on the same road as I am, because I spoke up and that makes me feel good.   This is an issue I never dreamed I would have to deal with and it makes feel really lonely inside - like I said I am an obese person inside and will always live that fight. I keep a pair of shorts to remind me - I fit in one leg now and pull them out ever so often so that I do not loose sight of the gift I have received and the battle that I fight.  Well I have rambled long enough.  Doris

 

Dear Doris, Isn't it amazing how silly people can be about weight!  It can be tough finding our own comfort spot with others who do have issues with not only our weight but how we lost it.  I suspect that with time, your size will become normal in the eyes of others and less of an issue as who you are as a person becomes the focus. Good luck, Sally

Thank you - a most excellant point.

Hi Doris. I understand where you're coming from. I say "I will always have a 328lb woman sitting on my shoulder". I may not be obese anymore, but I do still carry around all those feelings with me. I have lost some so called friends along the way, but have also found out who my true friends are and that has made many relationships stronger. I was telling a friend the other day that I had a weird experience~I was the smallest person in the room and it was such a strange feeling. I had many times been the biggest person in the room which was also an uncomfortable feeling, but sad to say it was uncomfortable being the smallest too. Like you, I am very open and honest about having had wls~I'm proud of the  fact that I took my life and my health into my own hands and did something about it! I've been faced with the words "oh you took the easy way out" which we all know is SO untrue, but debating with those people will get me nowhere b/c they will never see my point. I agree with the other poster that time will help with some of this. As time goes by more and more people are used to me being at a normal weight and some have even commented that they've forgotten that I was "ever that heavy" before. I still deal with my sister in law who has jealousy issues, but I have learned that its her issue and not mine~it hurts, but I definitely DO NOT fit in with her anymore! I too went thru a time of feeling a bit lonely b/c I felt that many had turned their backs on me, but thankfully I had my dh and kids to hug me! You will find your place and things will settle down in time. Hang in there! And, it did help me so much to come here every day b/c I always found kind words and friendship here~that's what keeps me coming back even today!

I so agree. The kind words & encouragement here has helped me w/ my journey. I haven't made it to my personal goal. And not sure if I ever will, but I'll keep tryinh. And the so called friends I;ve lost on the way were never friends anyway.  Will we always be a fat person in the now thin bodies? I don't know. But except me as I am .period. Love you guys, Brenda

I need to say I completely understand where you are and I too am hoping It gets better. Just yesterday I had a heated discussion with my sweetheart which ended with me walking away saying " I am fat & always will be, maybe you cant deal with the fact that you have a fat girlfiriend buddy but ya do and you better get over it or get over me"    Keep in mind we didnt meet until I had laist 160 pounds and even thought I have shared everything with him he just doesnt get it....he doesnt understand why I obsess about everything that goes in my mouth, why I worry so much about even a few ounces, I have tried to explain why any gain feels just like gaining it all back.  I havnt even made it to goal and I am 4 years out today. I am proud of my loss, 360 to 196 is a damn proud move but in the "real" world I am still fat & in my head I am still 360 pounds. I was much more comfortable in my 360 pound body than i have ever been in this one now & I work so hard to stay here that is angers me when I hear comments like I dont belong at the gym because I am too thin, how can 196 pounds ever be too thin? OK must be a bad day cause I feel anger....just know I understand!! Diana RNY 9/17/03 360/196/still aiming at 180 

I hate getting all the dirty looks from other women, some of them I don't even know. A distant relative was at my house this weekend, looking me up and down, giving me the look. She's really heavy and has considered WLS for years, but hasn't gone through with it. She treated me like a failure when I did it, told me "everybody gains it back." It's just in the past couple of months that I felt comfortable being on the misses' side instead of the plus side. I felt like everybody would wonder what that big a$$ was doing over there shopping. I'm thinking therapy might be in my future. But I'm like you, I think my surgery could have saved my life, at least made it a whole lot better, and I wouldn't go back for the world.

 

I've been at this weight (except for my battles with sugar. hint: sugar always wins) since 1995. I'm sorta past all the looks, I do get comments about "Oh you'd never know anything about a lot of extra weight." Another hint: big mistake to say that to ME!

But I found another form of prejudice .... in a dept store. I was trying on clothes. My husband likes to help me (yet another hint: most of his picks are, well, for my days off!) The sales girl came over and pointed out to him that I was shopping in JUNIORS. As far as I know, this is not illegal. I'm 5'1", it's OK to shop juniors. If I was 6'1" and wanted to try, I could still do it.

This person was appanretly very upset that I, who am not twenty-something, was shopping in the junior dept and did the twenty-something version of "tsk-tsk".

I guess prejudce can come in any form, uh?

I thought at first a reply from me couldn't help you, but here goes...I think that last time I was this weight I didn't feel comfortable. I am a size 14/16 now and have lost over 70 pounds. Now I appreciate a 14/16. I think it might take a little longer to feel comfortable anywhere except with true friends and family. With the "skinnys" they have no idea what you have gone thru and most wouldn't appreciate it anyway. On the other side they havn't gotten the guts, the insurance, or the muscle to take the chance. Some will appreciate where you are from jealousy or just that you had the guts to do it. Some won't support you no matter what...That's why I am thankful we have this forum and other places we can support each other. It's the place we come to have comrads, where we can always fit in. I hope you find a place to fit soon, but if you don't you are always welcome here!