overweight children- what to do?

I had WLS in Nov 05---- like everyone else here my weight was- and continues to be a personal battle- but I am grateful for this tool. My 15 yr old daughter is 5' 11" tall and now weighs in at 305 lbs.  My 9 yr old son is 5'2" tall and weighs 160 lbs.  My son will continue to get taller and has a chance of reducing his body fat- it is my daughter I am most concerned about.  I never made her weight an issue before and I wonder if I have done her a disservice- now I am approaching her about making some changes in the name of health and she is balking.  I suggested that we go to WW together and she adamantly refuses- and saying that "you don't need to Mom"- which we know is incorrect- but that is her take on it.  She splits her time between two households- and in her father's world there is an abundance of food and obesity- and her father really doesn't get it and his denial was a factor in the end of our marriage.  We took our daughter to a nutritionist in the past and she was trying to make the changes but since she was the only one doing it- it didn't last long and I can't blame her. My thinking is this- I can only show by example- and I guess I question what my example has been.  She has seen me struggle and have medical issues- and she has seen me exercise consistently- even at a higher weight......but ultimately she saw me have the surgery.  And I have begun to believe that only a small percentage of people actually lose over a hundred pounds and keep it off- the majority of people can't do that.  I am already thinking that maybe the surgery is already in her future- and I don't know if I will even object.  Of course- I am thinking of this when she is over 18- but I guess I am at a loss as to what to say to her now.  I feel like a hypocrite if I espouse diet and exercise when it wasn't enough for me.  And I can't nor want to force anything on her- I think that will lead to other problems... any thoughts?

Well, I can only speak from my own experience. I have two daughters. I constantly (maybe nag) the nutritional content and calories in the food they or we eat and what other choices we can make. I try to fix alternative to desserts and high caloric carbs. I even make up my own salad dressing to make good, fat free dressing and explain how and why. (I just use a store bought fat free ranch and put in blender with a bunch of cilantro.) Yougart cheese with splenda and fruit & cool whip for desserts. I explain how I really never understood much about cooking healthy and want them to learn. I explain how they can eat more if it is a healthy choice and won't gain weight. Plus I try to involve them in exercise. I do charity walks and try to get them to come with me for Mom and daughter time. It is a slow process, but I am making some progress. I try to set an example and always tell them when I fail, so they can see I have weak moments and they also see me get back on the wagon. You will get alot of resistence at first, but keep on it and it will eventually start to sink in. Just remind yoursef this is for life, theirs. Good luck to you. Sara

There's such a fine line there and its hard as a parent to know what to do. I have also wondered if I have done a disservice to my children b/c for the first years of their life my eating was completely out of control. They see me now making healthy choice and being active, but I wonder if the damage is already done. I know they don't eat as healthy as they should~they will gladly chose mac/cheese and hot dogs for dinner over chicken breast and veggies. My son is 10, 5'2" and 129lbs. He is not obese, but he's a big boy for 5th grade and off the charts by the pediatricians standards. I do worry about his future though b/c I don't want him to have to struggle like I did~I have told him this many times. I also realize that with kids you can't ban sweets and junk food completely b/c then they will want it even more and often have access to it at school or friend's houses. I guess all we can do is lead by example and try to teach them the benefits of living a healthy lifestyle~food and exercise included.

I wish I could say I have great ideas for you, but  I don't.  Childhood obesity is something I'm really concerned about though, as I was a "fat chick" growing up. My daughter was about 180 when I had surgery.  Through my "losing months" I frequently mentioned the importance of proper nutrition...giving your body fuel, not junk.  She learned, but didn't care.  Finally,  3 years later, she gradually started shedding weight. She isn't pencil thin, but has slimmed down to the 150's and looks healthy. Like me, she knows how to eat right and exercise, but chooses not to sometimes! Like everyone, your daughter has to be ready & has to want to make changes.  At fifteen you can't make drastic changes to the families' lifestyle against her will....she'll resent it, find the junk food elsewhere, and feel even worse about herself.  I work with teenagers everyday.  My best suggestion is to be honest with her...put the focus on health, not weight.  Apologize to her for not always leading by example, but tell her that you are worried about her health, and feel that you have failed to adequately prepare her to be a healthy adult, and want to change that.  Tell her you respect her enough to not force her, but offer to help her when she is ready.  I highly recommend setting her up with a counselor, but of course she needs to agree to this.  As you know from experience, most of us didn't get to be MO because chocolate is just that good...we chose to anesthetize ourselves instead of dealing with the realities of our world, and the weight piled on.  Help her sort through the "why" she eats, then perhaps she'll care more about the "what" she eats. A young man (19 yrs. old) from my church just had WLS in the spring.  He is losing weight and looks fantastic, but I'm concerned about his chance at long term success.  His sister told me that "he can eat all sorts of things they said he wouldn't be able to"....which sends up big red flags, since he's only 5 months post-op.  Anyone having WLS needs to be ready to accept the lifetime changes, and it worries me to see young people doing that.  On the other hand, I wish I could have been free of my excess weight at 19, as it proabably would have changed many things that occurred.  WLS may be a good choce for your daughter in a couple years, but make sure she sees it as a longterm tool that you have to work at  everyday. Sorry if I sound preachy...I've just been thinking about this alot recently as I have a 15 year girl that I mentor who is about 120 lbs. overweight.  I can't decide if it would be easier to be the mom..or if the friend is better!  Regardless, she's just not ready yet, and I can't change that...just have to meet her where she's at, and love her....hoping she''ll come to love herself enough to want to be healthier. Good Luck! Kathy

My take on this is that if you nag at her too much about being overweight, highlight it and push a certain way of eating you run the risk of her getting into secret eating, eating when you don't see, and then the whole bag of not loving herself no matter what size she is. Do you know why she is overweight?  Yes, portion sizes have gone crazy in society, which needs addressing, but also food is so wrapped up in so many other issues, as we all know.  Does she love herself, does she respect herself?  Does she eat because she is bored? As you say, it is difficult because you can't control what food is around her, but even if she was living all the time at your home, she would still have access to food at the mall, friends houses etc etc. My two cents is to keep loving her as you obviously are, for who and what (size) she is.  Keep showing by example but don't pu**** at her, let her see what you are doing, involve her in meal preparations.  When she is ready, she may ask you for help, and I feel is more likely to if she knows you aren't going to preach at her.

It's hard to know what to do. My mother (God rest her soul) used to mention my weight daily, and all it did was make me mad and eat more. We all know from our own experiences that something has to click in the individual's mind before he/she can take control. Your daughter is a lucky girl to have a mother that cares so much about her (although at her age she might not always realize it). I have a friend whose very young daughter is struggling, and her doctor said cutting out carbonated drinks usually results in a 15-pound weight loss over a year's time. (I wonder if that's true?)

 

As someone who was obese since childhood, I'll give you my thoughts for what they are worth. 1) Don't make it about her behavior--she'll see it as judgment of who she is.  Remember that obesity is primarily a genetically based disease.  The more I research, the more astounded I am about how we take on blame for what our hormones and genes drive.  The ability to feel satisfied is hormone driven not quantity of food driven.  Some people eat until they are too full because that's the point they have to reach to feel satisfied.  If her father's family has a history of obesity talk to her about that like you would if your family had a history of alcoholism.  She may be genetically programed for a propensity for obesity.  That doesn't mean she has to be obese, just like the child of an alcoholic doesn't have to become one.  But it does mean her body processes food in such a way that she has to make better choices--unfair but part of reality. 2) Recognize that no one likes to eat right.  Just look at the boards here with all the comments about regain.  And these are adults.  A lot of making the better choice is the self-talk that goes on in our heads.  When we want the donut but then remember the calorie count and say "it's not worth that many calories."  So we start looking for something else that would satisfy the sweet tooth.  Then we look at the granola bar box--read the label--and talk to ourselves again about is it worth it.  Maybe we walk out with that--or just one bar instead of the box--or maybe we wind up with some fruit.  Encourage the self talk--the process of good decision making--rather than the actual food choices.  The goal is to move away from thoughtless eating. 3) Address multiple stress coping skills.  Many eat foods that again address a hormone driven craving that is linked to emotions and stress.  Some obese people only have food as their comfort.  So help her develop other coping skills.  It may not be exercise, but it could be a hobbie, reading, journaling,--just something creative.  So instead of turning to the chips and tv every time, she has other things to try. 4) I still hate to exercise.  I do it, but it will never be something I like.  And when you are large, you hate it all the more.  Make activity simple.  Like they say, park farther away from the door.  Go to outdoor fairs that require a  lot of walking.  Is there a botanical garden in your area?  They can be great places to stroll.  But start out short and slow.  Or even try something as simple as ping pong--or how about those new Wii games.  They require movement.  And then she can strive to beat you and really be pleased! 5) Don't make it about a number on the scale but about behaviors.  At 15 she wants to start making her own choices.  So teaching her how to make good choices will help in all areas of life.  This is a tough age for anyone much less a girl dealing with weight issues. Good luck, Sally